I’ve muddled up magic/not magic for my children

[Yousendme]

not really AIBU although maybe I am! Child (4) was asking about whether witches and ghosts and magic were real as she’s a bit afraid - I said no none of them were real. Just in stories. No such thing as magic etc. but then I know I’ll turn around and say tooth fairy when she loses her teeth and of course I want her to believe in Santa. Her cousins have the Easter bunny leaving out books and chocolate and the dummy fairy leaving toys in exchange for dummies and also elf on the shelf! I haven’t done any of this yet ( no dummies in the house and just didn’t with the others). But I can see I’m setting myself up for X is real Y isn’t when maybe both X and Y aren’t real! What do I do? What do you all do? Finding it confusing. I don’t like lying to my child but also want the magic of childhood! (While telling her there’s no magic - oh dear).

Bless you, it is a hard thing to navigate every year. In our house we are honest while keeping the ‘magic’ of Christmas.

Santa is a story about the Christmas spirit, the Easter bunny is how adults make Easter special for children, the tooth fairy is how we reward you for growing up etc. DC knows they are fictional, and always has, nbut we still do all the traditions and they are still excited. My SIL does the same so all of the cousins are on the same page and none of the children have ‘ruined’ anything for another child (afaik).

I treat holidays a little bit like religion as an athiest family. We educate DC about the religion, say some people believe in XYZ, and then look at how they celebrate their holidays (do some crafts or visit a local celebration) to teach them about other people. We don’t then expect DC to believe what other people do but learn to be open minded and appreciate religion and culture for what it is.

For questions about spooky things like ghosts and magic I am also honest. ‘I don’t believe they are real, some other people do, but you are safe and there are no ghosts here- that’s just a silly Halloween decoration’.

I want them to decide for themself what they believe in with all of the facts and I didn’t want to lie and disappoint somewhere down the line.

Edit: SPAG, I am typing and walking.

We did the same thing as @flowersplease - we always talked about Santa and the tooth fairy etc but were very clear that it was all for fun and a story. Children don't need something to be real to get magic and fun out of it. My kids are teens now and they still talk about Santa - they never had a moment of realising it wasn't real so they can still play pretend and enjoy it.

I've always talked about the tooth fairy and Santa in a very tongue in cheek, exaggerated, comical way that would go over their heads when they were very young but they would realise was unserious as they got older (the youngest is still just about accepting of it).

I do admit though that I've never been bothered about "the magic" and don't really get it. Yes it's so fun when they think a real fairy or guy in a red suit really has visited but they haven't, and it's still fun when they are just playing along with you, as the oldest does now. Once you start going to mad lengths to try to arrest your kids' normal development because you're so panicked about "the magic", there's no magic left and you're doing it for yourself. Even stage magicians aren't trying to get you to believe it's real. The magic comes from within the children themselves and it doesn't disappear, it just changes.

FWIW, my husband comes from a very loving, secure, healthy and practical family and they just didn't bother with any of it; they got Christmas gifts and stockings and money for teeth but their parents never pretended it was fairies and Santa. They've all grown up very mentally healthy, stable and creative. I don't think it's a big deal.

I think there is a degree of children believe what they want to believe. It doesn't actually take much input from an adult.

It might seem illogical to us to tell them that ghosts aren't real but santa is, but to them, it's usually not an issue.

And even if you tell a young child who already believes in magic that it isn't real, they will likely still believe in it on some level anyway.

You can always say something like "Oh well obviously Santa magic is real! I just meant that bad/ scary magic isn't real".

There are always ways around it. Obviously when they get to a certain age there will be the gradual realisation, no matter what you do.

I also don't think most children grow up to resent adults for allowing them to believe in Santa, so we are doing it with ours, because it's fun and magical.

But if he asks me whether there are monsters under the bed, I'll 100% be telling him monsters aren't real.

Try not to sweat it too much OP.

Ah it gets mashed up but they work it out in the end. I remember eldest child as a toddler, earnestly explaining to his grandad all about how “Baby Jesus comes down the chimney with a bag.” 🤣

I definitely let the cat out of the bag for similar reasons OP! While reassuring DS that monsters weren't real he quickly made the leap for himself about Santa etc.

But to be honest I'd always underplayed Santa, he brought the less good gifts, because I wanted my DC to give credit to the real people in their lives, so they weren't that invested.

The mistake I did make was not briefing them strongly enough about what other children might believe & I think DD probably took a bit too much pleasure in disabusing a couple of her little friends. 😊

Santa and the tooth fairy are fun games to play even if you don’t try to convince your child they are real. Peer pressure and the natural wonder of childhood is also likely to have them decide to believe for a bit, even if you don’t try to reinforce the concepts. In other words, don’t stress this at all. Let your child be in charge here.

Surely at age 4 she already knows about Santa? Otherwise it may be a bit late as she’ll know where presents came from last year and will know if Santa came or not. If she does, then just say you’ll leave it up to her to decide if Santa is real or not.

Don’t overthink it. She wont need years of therapy as a result! Wait till you have to explain about religion!

Link it to real events, eg St Nick, the man who went round centuries ago in a red cloak giving gifts to poor kids (either, if you're Christian, say St Nick is in heaven now, and parents act out the magic of Santa to explain the message in a kid appropriate way, like Aslan in Narnia is Jesus for kids, or if you're not Christian, say there really were kind people who gave gifts to kids, so we act out Santa to commemorate that).
With the tooth fairy, when she's old enough, you can explain parents used to keep teeth, and faeries are used in stories to explain things symbolically. Even when they're quite young, they can get the idea of a story being metaphorically but not literally true, like the Hare/tortoise; kids get they wouldn't really have had a race, but it's the concept of not rushing. I never thought Brer Rabbit stories were real, but I understood the ideas were relevant to reality.

You just ask them what they think. Then they come to their own preferred conclusion about whichever particular fantasy exists or not, generally. And if they hit upon the truth you're not ready to agree with yet, just kind of shrug and show interest in their answer rather than agreeing with it.

It's perfectly possible to say you don't believe in ghosts or monsters etc. but believe in FC. Magic is always positive in my world.

I don't equate creating a little fantasy for children with lying- it's just not the same. I don't think my dd ever thought I had lied to her or resented me telling her FC was real. By the time they work it out they are old enough to understand you did it through love and they look back with nostalgia and with a heart full of happy memories.

If she's lumped in Santa and the tooth fairy with evil magic (btw witchcraft is real and it's not safe!) then I think the only way forward is to tell her that Santa and the tooth fairy etc are just a bit of fun.

There is a a book called the little advent fairy that could come to the rescue! She does cute, kind & helpful things & is all about the magic of making people smile. She essentially does all the stuff that parents do overnight anyway but adds magic to it. If you portrayed as you being the magic that could work? Parents are the most magical thing in the world!!