How do you divide housework/looking after your children?

[Emaraldisland]

If you have children and one parent works full time and the other parent works part time is it still fair that both do housework and look after the kids? Obviously if the parent who works part-time is home more then they would do more but surely not everything?
I'm a SAHM and recently got an interview but when I said to DH he'd have to do more if I was working he said that wasn't fair because he was working more hours but if I'm working and doing everything around the house and with our DC then that's not a fair diversion either.
How does it work in your house?

I work part time, my DH works full time in a far more senior but also more flexible role than me.

He takes care of the school runs on my working days (3), and I obviously do them on my days off. I pick up any supermarket bits we need on my days off, and will fire ahead with laundry, cleaning etc, but I definitely don't spend all day on chores. I also run and go to the gym, and meet up with friends. At the weekends, we all muck in with chores (including the children) and everyone gets plenty of leisure time. Like anything, there are times where I pick up extra slack and times where he does, and it always evens out.

In your position, OP, I certainly wouldn't expect to do all the domestic tasks

(I should have added that our youngest child is 15 and the other 2 are adults, so although they very definitely need parented, it's nowhere near the same as if they were younger and needed much more supervision and practical help. In that case, I'd expect my DH to muck in after work and at weekends with that too)

If you worked FT and him PT what would you think was fair?

I think I'd start from an approach of you should both have roughly equal free time. This definitely means he should be doing stuff evenings and weekends otherwise at the extreme end you are on 24-7 and he doesn't so much as wash up his own coffee mug.

You do then need to work out what's work and what's leisure, which isn't 100% simple - you might hate the gym, but go during the working day, whereas a round of golf could be as much a social thing for him. Cooking is another one. Can be fun, can be a chore, especially when having to plan meals for every day. Similarly does he have time off in the day - a lunch hour, chatting to colleagues etc. But it's a useful principle to start from and then work out what it means in practice.

It depends what part time looks like but generally if my partner was part time, I'd expect them to do the majority of cooking/cleaning/childcare etc during the week. If they were a full time SAHP I'd expect them to do 100% of the household/childcare stuff with a view to them doing as much as humanly possible during the week to ensure we both have family/free time at the weekend. (Although that would only be if being a FT SAHP was forced upon them through health, redundancy etc. If they chose to be a FT SAHP, I'd divorce them!).

Depends on how old the children are, if they are at school then the part timer does far more, if they are still at home then the part timer will be spending their "non working" time parenting. So chores should be more equal

A good way of looking at it is is free time equal?

Your husband is another lazy man who thinks marriage is about getting himself a domestic appliance.

I agree if one works part-time they should do more. But they should not do “everything” domestic.

If you are arguing about this, I just think it’d be better to split up. You should have the same amount of free time. If your children are old enough - from about age two-three - they should help with household jobs too. He’s lazy and resents doing either his share of the household tasks or looking after his children.

I work part-time and DH is FT and we just share everything. If someone is around more on a particular day then they will tend to stick a wash on, do the dishwasher, etc. It balances out over time really. But I look after my 4yo on my non-work days in the week and sometimes we are out all day so no chores get done. We just do them when one of us has a chance. I think we are very lucky as it just works organically, we’ve never really had to discuss it, we each just do what we can and between us it all gets done (mostly!).

I tend to have more of a social life and I am into running and races so he looks after kids more solo at weekends etc but he occasionally goes away for a long weekend with friends so I will have the kids. Again that just works out organically too. We both do bedtimes, depends who is doing what, etc.

Even full-time workers need to do chores and have responsibility for their home environment and children. I can’t imagine my DH just doing his 8-4 job and then expecting everything else to be done for him!

Go for the equal free time approach

Is it part time vs full time or is it really he sees it as womens work?

Even when full time at home my husband has never expected me to do everything. We have always just done what needs doing and that can swing back and forth between both of us who does more but it always equals out. It's so much easier when you know you're part of a true team. When I started a new job my dh took on his share and mine so I could focus/make a good impression etc it naturally evened out over time and I have done the same for him when doing extra training/ promotion time etc

I would not be bending over backwards for someone who didn't truly support me and didn't see me as a equal.

What is strictly fair is that you match your husband's working hours with a combination from your own part time employment, housework and childcare. If he is in paid employment for 40 hours a week, you put in 40 hours a week between the home and employment too. Anything that is left that needs doing after you've done your 40 hours gets divided equally between you both. And you both have equal leisure time.

That assumes that neither of you like cooking, cleaning or childcare, and you view everything as a chore which you get no enjoyment from. What happens in my house is my DH works full time and does all the cooking of evening meals because he enjoys to cook. He also cleans the bathroom because I hate that. I work part time and do all other cleaning, gardening, childcare etc because I enjoy it.

I have seen this time and time again with SAHMs returning to work and Dh/DPs not wanting to do housework. Basically expecting the now working female to do everything they did whilst not working whilst also holding down a new job. FFS.

How it worked for us. Whoever is in the house tries to get a much stuff done as possible whilst looking after and seeing to the needs of the children. We are a team working toward a goal - downtime in which we can do whatever we want.

Free time needs to be equal, if you are part time and the children are at school then you need to be doing as much as possible. But also when he walks in through the door he is also on duty, just as you were when you no doubt picked the children up from school.

Because I was a sahm even when the children were at school I had a full schedule for housework, meal planning, batch cooking etc. Bins were emptied on set days so no waiting to notice when a bin is full. Dh loves cooking so I would do all the weekdays, term time and holidays, he would do weekends. Shopping was delivered as that takes time to do.

We tagged teamed so if one person needed a break they got it because it was reciprocated. Dh also took a child with him on tip runs, to the shops etc so he got one on one time with each child and I got one on one time with the other. Depending on the ages of the children they too can do chores, a toddler can put their clothes into a laundry basket and tidy up toys. Start it young, add more stuff in. 4 year olds can clear their plate from the table, clean and dry the table. It doesn't all have to fall to a parent. Everyone is on the team, and the team makes sure the house is clean and tidy.

I work 2.5 days a week and DP works full time. I do the all of the cooking (I love cooking and he doesn't). I do the majority of the housework, laundry and food shopping. He does the washing up and takes the bins out. He's more than happy to do more if I ask or if needed, but it works well for us. I do all of the school runs/clubs on my days off and he does drop offs and one pickup the days I'm at work, my mum also does one pickup a week for us.

over the years we had various set ups from both full time to one not working at all

the basic principle is roughly equal downtime. So. Time to chill, time for exercise etc

both parties need to be realistic about what takes time and what you can do with kids under your feet

but basically once i had half a spare day all basic housework and home admin was my responsibility. I was also doing the cooking then as my commute was much shorter

shopping was another couple of hours to meal
plan, shop and put away. And running kids around depend on who was really available

i see a lot of the trouble comes when people have very different standards around the home, or when people have unrealistic expectations as to how long to clean a house. I clean the home in the time it takes my sister to do her living room