To ask how your DC made real friends?

[Emergencycake]

I’m in the position where DD is in year 8 (12years) and we are starting to worry about her friendships and communication skills.

She had a small group of friends going up to High school, but that became a bit dramatic (she is far from dramatic and I would suggest non confrontational). When she started high school, that group disappeared overnight even though a few of them were in her class. She appeared to make new friends and was hanging out with a new group very quickly, but now it appears they are not including her in things, hanging out a lot without her. A few of them are what I’d class as queen bees - always invited to everything, and if I ever chat to them, they come across a bit superficial if I’m being honest. DD goes to a sports club with a few weekly, so I’m aware of them a bit outside school.

I have encouraged DD to invite friends over, or to organise going out at the weekend, but however often I suggest it, it’s hardly ever arranged and I’m starting to question, is it because she’s struggling with social norms, or are the other girls she thinks are her friends keeping her at bay?

I would like for her to try a new hobby that might encourage new friendships, but ideally something that’s a bit more inclusive than having to be good at sport. Any hobby ideas welcome

Neighbours my DC have known them over 10 years. My DS is an excellent mixer. Most of the kids he went to primary school with all started high school this year. So they all have a good friendship.

Is your DD happy? That's the main thing.

I can recommend Army Cadet Force. Their website will tell you where your nearest detachment is and when they meet. It’s good for building confidence, resilience and skills as well as making friends. There’s opportunities for sport and music too. Regular camps mean making friends in the wider geographical area too.

Swimming is a good hobby too.

You say nothing is actually ever organised, have you taught her how?

One of my D.C. moved to high school and naturally knew how to organise things, didn’t need any help. The other needed it explicitly explained, how to plan, what needed to be considered, how to invite everyone. They are great at it now.

Also be careful about calling the other girls “superficial”, you can’t possibly judge that from a “polite hello to someone’s Mum conversation”.

And even if they are superficial, thst doesn’t mean that can’t be a good friend. Worry less about the other girls and more about your DD’s social skills.

I agree with more hobbies and clubs.

My ds (year 11) made friends at secondary through a shared sense of humour and slight nerdiness - so I'd encourage her to find and express her true personality and see who is drawn towards her. You only need a couple of solid friends to make school enjoyable.

When I was that age I struggled at school (it was very rough, almost Grange Hill!) but I had a great group of friends at a local youth orchestra, that was a wonderful experience. Then later, more friends at venture scouts.

My other ds (year 9) mainly kept his primary school friends but made a few new ones. I think it was via a shared interest in some computer games (eg undertale, hollow knight, etc) that kind of drew a few new friends into his group.

In summary I guess people are drawn to each other when they share common interests.

Edit: both my boys dont't have the greatest social skills, it doesn't matter as they have found others who are similar!

My DS has some friends at school but all his good friends are through Scouts.

Is it not arranged because she that bothered or does it upset her that it’s not arranged? Some children like that bit of space at the weekend and don’t want to organise much

Scouts is a good one, my DC has a few friends there and great for life skills. There are new people often joining especially older d people tend to drop off then so waiting lists may be shorter and there are plenty of girls ime.

Would agree that scouts is great. Or after school rock band or choir if she likes singing? Also - does her school have lunchtime clubs she could try - might help her meet other kids with similar interests?

TBH with my two, they both have good groups of friends and are sociable but they often prefer to somewhat retreat to our house over the weekend and not go out - helps them decompress after a long week. Neither likes having people over too much in “their” space.

So make sure it is actually your DD who wants more socialisation rather than what you think she should want…

Exactly this. OP, you don’t say anywhere whether your child would actually to socialise more at weekends? DS (14) has good friendships and does sports clubs, but he likes to chill at weekends and isn’t keen on packing them full of events.