Aibu to never speak to my sister again

[ThatFunnyCoralScroller]

Im shaking with anger still and struggle with grammar etc so used ai to fix my post below ti make it readable.

My son is 11 and has profound autism, which affects every aspect of his life. He is non-verbal, still in nappies, has no form of communication, and needs a wheelchair when we go out.

I was chatting to my sister today when she asked whether I thought that, one day, it might be possible to test for autism during pregnancy, in the same way as Down’s syndrome. I told her I didn’t know and, to be honest, it wasn’t something I really wanted to think about.

She then went on to say that if such a test existed and came back positive, she believed abortion would become the most common response and that autism would eventually no longer be a thing.

I told her that I thought that was a horrible thing to say, and I couldn’t help but take it personally because of my son.

She then started talking about how people with high support needs cost society money and give nothing back, and that she believes it would be selfish to bring a person like that into the world.

At that point, I was incredibly upset. I asked her outright, “Do you think my son shouldn’t be here?”

She said yes. Her only qualification was that, because we didn’t know about his autism when I was pregnant, she wouldn’t consider us selfish for having him.

I was absolutely devastated. I ended up calling her a fucking bitch and walking out.

I honestly don’t know how to come back from this. This isn’t just a hypothetical conversation about prenatal testing or abortion to me. She was talking about people like my son, someone I love more than anything, as though his life has less value because of his disabilities and the support he needs.

I can’t stop thinking about the fact that my own sister genuinely believes that someone like my son shouldn’t exist. I’m struggling to see how I can move past that.

What a horrible thing to say to you OP, no wonder you're angry!

I haven't voted.

As a parent of Autistic dc, I know lots of people in my family think like your ds.

Lots of people think children with Down Syndrome should be aborted too.

I obviously don't agree but as difficult as it is, i acknowledge people have different views to me.

I agree with you, OP. That said, I feel the same about Down Syndrome and the way that the availability of testing has normalised terminating. No technology is ever neutral.

This is a terrible thing for her to say to you. Of course it’s unforgivable.

I don’t agree with her, and it’s not a conversation she should be having with you.

It isn’t inappropriate to discuss how we manage serious illnesses, end of life care, and serious disabilities though- both the welfare of the unwell person and the financial implications need to be considered at a societal level, not an individual one. These are discussions that happen in medical settings all the time.

Having a view is not the same as saying to your nephews mother he shouldn’t be there.

unforgivable op

Fuck no YANBU! That is an abhorrent thing to say to the parent of an autistic child!! And I say that as someone who, hand on heart, would probably abort a foetus with Down’s syndrome or severe autism. But that’s a deeply personal choice and to suggest that someone shouldn’t be born because they are a drain on society is disgusting.

I wouldn’t blame you at all for cutting off your sister after this.

It's an awful thing to say and I understand how upsetting that would be. I would find it hard to forgive.

I would find that unforgivable too.

I'm so sorry @ThatFunnyCoralScroller

I agree it was a horrible and unnecessary of the sister.

Sadly lots of people think like this and its definitely getting worse

I have a niece with autism and complex needs, we all love her so much and she is just as important everyone else in the family. What a horrible thing to say, I would never say that to my sister, that is cruel. I’m so sorry.

Do people choose to abort, because they are told thier child has a disabilty .. plenty.

Would people choose to abort of the test showed other disabilities such as Autism .. probably so.

Will the test ever exist - who knows.

Should that decison be based on the expense, to the state, of supporting someone with a disabilty .. no

Are the increased life expectancies of people with complex health and care needs costing huge amounts of money - yes, but we shouldn’t use that to make decisions.

I think it’s all very complicated.

I cannot see how your relationship will survive this. Shocking 😮 and very sad 😔

It's not complicated that you don't say to your sister that their son shouldn't be here.

@ThatFunnyCoralScroller i am so sorry she said this. You must be devastated.
Not a sister but someone I was very close to referred to my autistic son as a “dud”.

I hope you’re okay 💐

she is entitled to her views, and many people might agree with her. But there is literally no justification to saying it to you. It would be cruel and just completely unnecessary to anyone in your circumstances but to her sister and about her nephew is just completely bitchy. It sounds like she had multiple opportunities to just shut up, backtrack or change the subject during the conversation, but instead deliberately kept going.

Everyone is entitled to free speech but equally they don't HAVE to air every single thought that goes through their head. Pick your audience.

My eldest is profoundly autistic too OP. If anyone in my family said that, I'd never have any form of contact with them again. Yanbu.

Is your sister ND?

Her thoughts are not entirely unreasonable, but it's an insane thing for her to have chosen to discuss with you!

I don't think you'd be unreasonable to choose to go NC with her.

That’s such an upsetting thing to say, I’d find it very difficult to move past that.

Unbelievable, OP. I am so sorry this happened to you. I don’t know whether I could come back from it. I voted YANBU.

Does your sister make many tone deaf or stupid remarks? Could she be on the spectrum?

Obviously each woman must make her own choices about which genetic tests to undergo during pregnancy and what to do with the results. I couldn’t criticise anyone’s decisions in this situation. But I also wish we provided better support for people with disabilities so that this decision was not driven by economic and social pressures.

Very best wishes to you and your DS.

I would have suggested that she gets herself tested if she doesn't have enough social awareness to know that was a ridiculous conversation to have with you.

I don't think people should have to have abortions based on others opinions.

I do think there's anything wrong with eliminating down syndrome and other disabilities and illness'

Having said that your sister is a first class bitch to say someone who already exists and is a member of your (and hers) shouldn't be here and should have been aborted if you'd known.

It seems incredible that she would think that is an acceptable conversation to have with you, considering your circumstances. Is she normally so blunt?

This would be a deal breaker for me.

Iam obviously not a trained professional but I have wondered that. Long before today. She's very blunt speaking and often can't understand why her words effect others. She's fairly high up at work but has had people she works with both higher and lower then her complain about the language she uses and bullying behaviour. She doesn't see that way obviously and everyone hates her at work.
I had a miscarriage years ago that was a blighted oveun sp? her response was at least it wasn't a real pregnancy.