Aibu to never speak to my sister again

[ThatFunnyCoralScroller]

Im shaking with anger still and struggle with grammar etc so used ai to fix my post below ti make it readable.

My son is 11 and has profound autism, which affects every aspect of his life. He is non-verbal, still in nappies, has no form of communication, and needs a wheelchair when we go out.

I was chatting to my sister today when she asked whether I thought that, one day, it might be possible to test for autism during pregnancy, in the same way as Down’s syndrome. I told her I didn’t know and, to be honest, it wasn’t something I really wanted to think about.

She then went on to say that if such a test existed and came back positive, she believed abortion would become the most common response and that autism would eventually no longer be a thing.

I told her that I thought that was a horrible thing to say, and I couldn’t help but take it personally because of my son.

She then started talking about how people with high support needs cost society money and give nothing back, and that she believes it would be selfish to bring a person like that into the world.

At that point, I was incredibly upset. I asked her outright, “Do you think my son shouldn’t be here?”

She said yes. Her only qualification was that, because we didn’t know about his autism when I was pregnant, she wouldn’t consider us selfish for having him.

I was absolutely devastated. I ended up calling her a fucking bitch and walking out.

I honestly don’t know how to come back from this. This isn’t just a hypothetical conversation about prenatal testing or abortion to me. She was talking about people like my son, someone I love more than anything, as though his life has less value because of his disabilities and the support he needs.

I can’t stop thinking about the fact that my own sister genuinely believes that someone like my son shouldn’t exist. I’m struggling to see how I can move past that.

I'm sorry, OP. I don't know how you get past that.

Regardless of whether anyone agrees with your sister's opinion or not, it was incredibly horrible to say to you given your circumstances.

Just for the record iam very pro choice. I believe abortion shouldn't be the default option for disabilities especially when alot of fear is based on lack of support etc. In the disability community alot of women have talked about pressure or medical professionals making the default option abortion when the test has been positive ( mainly talking about downs syndrome here)

You are 100% in the right. I do have sympathy with your sister’s view and honestly would not want to raise an autistic child. But this is her nephew she is talking about!!! Not merely a hypothetical. How insensitive. Awful thing to say. I may speak to her eventually but not for a while.

Well, I do think she’s probably right that if autism could be tested for, many wouldn’t continue with the pregnancy. She was making a general statement there, not one personal to you.

That said, I don’t think she should have broached the topic with you at all, but I also don’t think it was wise of you to question her further.

That us fucking horrible and I wouldnt ever speak to her again; and I'd ve telling the family why and not sugar coating it.
That is just vile.

She made it personal when she told the OP her son shouldn't be here.

The only way I can think of this being remotely excusable is if she is neurodivergent herself, and doesn't understand how her comments may come across.

If she wants a lofty debate on hypotheticals about this she can do so with a friend, if she even has any. I would highly doubt she is NT herself based on this and what you've said about being blunt to the point of bullying.

I dint think she cares about you at all. If she did, she’d have kept her opinions to herself.

I wonder how she was expecting you to respond?

You do realise that Autism is a spectrum don’t you? Not all autistic kids are non-verbal and still in nappies ffs. Many people go their entire lives without even knowing they’re autistic. Many famous, extremely high achieving people like Elon Musk are on the spectrum and high functioning. Saying “I wouldn’t want to raise an Autistic child” is highly offensive….

My nephew has CP amongst some other disabilities and I know dsis has been asked a few times if she would have aborted him had she known and it infuriates me.
Just like your DS, he’s here now, he’s a member of the family and we love him.

The only reason to raise it is to be a dick imo. How your sister can look at your DS then say he shouldn’t be here I have no idea and it would be the end of a relationship for me I think.

I don’t agree with your sisters opinion. I am pro choice and think if you know your child is going to be disabled, you have to make the choice based on how well you can cope. But that is neither here nor there in this instance - your sister can’t talk in hypotheticals when there is a real child in the mix then expect you not to be angry and upset.

I said the initial statement wasn’t personal. not that the following ones weren’t.

It’s clearly a topic that is best avoided altogether, but the original statement wasn’t personal. Op took it personally and questioned her further, which I think was also a mistake.

I agree with your sister - I had a TFMR for T21 and if there was a test for severe autism then I would terminate for that too. But I wouldn’t discuss those views with someone who has a child with those conditions, and I absolutely wouldn’t wish away a child who is already here. Your sister is spectacularly insensitive.

Quite a lot of people I know over 30 have fairly recently got a diagnosis, yet as a child, there were only a couple of people in my class diagnosed. Does your sister think all of the adults diagnosed should be killed, too?
My ethnicity means I'm more at risk for certain diseases. Does she think we should all be aborted? Or is racism not acceptable, only straight forward ableism?
Ageism and ableism seem far more prevalent than racism and sexism-if you told me I couldn't go on the beach due to my sex/colour, people would complain. Yet if I had a disability meaning I needed my dog with me (because getting official assistance dogs is so hard, many people rely on their pet), a fair number of people would be fine about me not being able to take my child to play there.

Never take your son near her again. People who think that way are a risk to people with disabilities.

It’s genetic so it’s likely. Euthanise her? 😂 live by the sword..

What on Earth do you think that she is going to do to him? Her views may not be palatable to many, but nowhere has the OP said, that her sister has mistreated her nephew.

My son is 10 and has similar needs. Pre verbal, doubly incontinent, sleeps 4hrs a night most nights, can be quite volatile and aggressive.

I wouldn’t send him back now, and wouldn’t change him for the world. We love him endlessly and for all of his challenges he’s also hilarious, cheeky, smart in ways you wouldn’t expect, and crucially - he’s ours.

But, if we’re honest and not sprinkling glitter on shit, it’s very very hard. Very few people would choose this life for themselves, in advance, before they’d met their child and watched them grow.

I would be very surprised if anyone had that conversation with me, but the actual viewpoint isn’t necessarily controversial on a wider societal level.

I wouldn’t be able to forgive that and I wouldn’t see her as my sister anymore. She’d simply be nothing to me.

I have a daughter with profound autism. She has more personality in her little finger than most people can muster up in their lifetime.

Gosh, that’s a horrible thing to say. I don’t think expressing a single opinion merits going no contact, but perhaps you should wait a couple of weeks or longer then talk about it with her. This will probably be a better outcome for you than years of bitterness.

Could she herself be mildly autistic, so focused very much on the debate at hand and the practical aspects of the subject rather than on the feelings in the room?

A lot depends on whether her intention was to hurt your feelings or more of a general hypothetical discussion in which case I’d still suggest she was deeply tactless and wrong to choose you as the person to have this discussion with, even though her viewpoint may be seen as valid by a lot of people who would not want to have to care for a profoundly disabled child all their lives.

What a bitch.

Can I just take a minute to moan about the perception of ‘aborting because of Down syndrome’: trisomy 21 can (not always by any means) come with some very serious heart and lung problems. This isn’t just about individuals who are ‘different’ or ‘need more care’ - they may have a very shortened life span. Sometimes these problems are visible at the anatomy scan and so the decision is made to abort. This isn’t really an abortion ‘because of Down syndrome’ it is due to the serious health complications that come with Down Syndrome. I wish people would stop painting these elective abortions as eugenics or ‘eliminating down syndrome’ - in the vast majority of cases it’s far more complex than that.

Comparing trisomy 21 to autism is bonkers and completely invalid for many reasons but one is that it doesn’t have such life threatening co-morbidities.

YANBU. My mother, her husband and my half brothers all started treating my son who has autism and ADHD as an annoyance/lost cause and not worth bothering with whilst lavishing praise on my daughter who is almost certainly autistic too but still waiting on diagnosis. I haven't seen any of them in almost a year now and have no plans to ever darken their doorsteps again. Fuck them. Your sister is disgusting.

I disagree with the notion that it's always selfish, to go ahead with a pregnancy knowing that the child will be very affected by disability, ill-health, or pain, because reality is seldom quite that black and white, and the people most affected (other than the child) are the parents, so it should be their choice. Sister sounds like she struggles to grasp that POV, but maybe she has other strengths.