Aibu to never speak to my sister again

[ThatFunnyCoralScroller]

Im shaking with anger still and struggle with grammar etc so used ai to fix my post below ti make it readable.

My son is 11 and has profound autism, which affects every aspect of his life. He is non-verbal, still in nappies, has no form of communication, and needs a wheelchair when we go out.

I was chatting to my sister today when she asked whether I thought that, one day, it might be possible to test for autism during pregnancy, in the same way as Down’s syndrome. I told her I didn’t know and, to be honest, it wasn’t something I really wanted to think about.

She then went on to say that if such a test existed and came back positive, she believed abortion would become the most common response and that autism would eventually no longer be a thing.

I told her that I thought that was a horrible thing to say, and I couldn’t help but take it personally because of my son.

She then started talking about how people with high support needs cost society money and give nothing back, and that she believes it would be selfish to bring a person like that into the world.

At that point, I was incredibly upset. I asked her outright, “Do you think my son shouldn’t be here?”

She said yes. Her only qualification was that, because we didn’t know about his autism when I was pregnant, she wouldn’t consider us selfish for having him.

I was absolutely devastated. I ended up calling her a fucking bitch and walking out.

I honestly don’t know how to come back from this. This isn’t just a hypothetical conversation about prenatal testing or abortion to me. She was talking about people like my son, someone I love more than anything, as though his life has less value because of his disabilities and the support he needs.

I can’t stop thinking about the fact that my own sister genuinely believes that someone like my son shouldn’t exist. I’m struggling to see how I can move past that.

Same and i dont think its a life most people would activly choose
But my son is here and very loved.

Could you explain what you mean about having to consider 'the quality of our fellow human beings life'?
I understand that OPs child will have a different life than someone without a disability, but I'm unsure where you're getting that he, or the other children she mentioned (people with downs) have a poor quality of life. There are people on the thread who have shared about testing that suggested likelihood of severe medical complications alongside which is often a reason in those decisions but that's very different.

I totally agree. It made me feel even more isolated and lonely.

I think she was unreasonable to have this conversation with you. It was unnecessary and bound to be hurtful to you. I don’t understand why she would choose to broach this with you, unless she was trying to goad you.

That said, I had the pregnancy screening for down’s etc because I wound probably have chosen to terminate the pregnancy had the test proven positive. I think that if there were a test that I could do in early pregnancy that could detect severe autism which would render my child severely disabled, I would have that too. I think many would and i think it could lead to some terminations as a result. But I cannot fathom why she chose to initiate that conversation with you.

What she said to you is awful. Horrendous, ill thought out, plain meanness.
That said, we currently live in a country where medical care is massively, massively in front of social care.
Far more people (children and older people) are living far longer, which obviously is a good thing. But, they have far more significant care needs and currently we do not have the social care in place to deal with this.

Who would want any support from someone who thinks their child shouldn't exist?

I'm not surprised you are angry and I agree she is probably autistic herself.

As an autistic adult myself, I wish there was a test and had I known, I wouldn't have had children.

As the parent of a severely disabled child (not due to autism), I don't disagree with your sister though.

I'm really sorry she spoke to you so hurtfully and insensitively.

What I would say though is that I have a genetic condition that can be screened for via the NHS and I support doing so. It's theoretical as it wasn't an option when I was childbearing so I can't be sure. My condition is painful but not life limiting in anyway, I have had a good and full life, yet I still believe if I could prevent future people having that pain, I would choose that option.

Edited to add, these thoughts absolutely DO NOT mean I wish myself and my DC (those that inherited the condition) didn't exist, of course not. It's not the same thing.

I wouldn’t discuss those views with someone who already had a child with disabilities so she has been very thoughtless in that regard. That being said much like T21 if there was a test which diagnosed profound autism to the point of being non verbal and in nappies then yes I’d most likely terminate a pregnancy and so would most other parents I know.
People are quite happy to voice their pro life opinions in relation to aborting perfectly healthy babies just because they don’t fit with their own lifestyle choices or it “not being the right time” so the same goes for terminating pregnancies where a resulting child isn’t going to have the same life as a NT child

The Ops child isnt a hypotheticle pregnancy where somone might choose to terminate because of disabillity
Hes a living and much loved child theres abdoluley no excuse for what the sister said.

Terminating a pregnancy isnt the same as Euthanasia.

My son is severely autistic and he’s 34 now and is our greatest achievement we all adore him and I could not imagine life without him . Your sister is not a very nice person . Thinking of u and sending u love 🫶

My son is very similar to yours OP, and tbh I'd have laid her out for those comments. I'm extremely protective of my son, and he has just as much right to exist on this earth as anyone.
Some people take more from society than they can give, but that's always been the way. I believe he's made me a better person and I'd rather he was in my life as he is than not at all.

Yeah, I know people are entitled to their opinions, however shitty they may be, but know your audience when you voice them. I couldn't bring myself to see or speak to her again.

Same. Obviously we’ve “met” on these boards before, I am fiercely defensive of him. Fiercely.

I know someone who gave her son up when he was 3 months old because he was diagnosed with a disability and she didn’t think she had it in her to raise him.

It’s those people, and the people who just look at our lives and think “no thanks,” that I’m fairly confident would abort if they knew in advance.

It doesn’t change one bit how I feel about my living, breathing, shouting son, and I think OPs sister was an idiot for sharing that view with her, but she won’t be alone in having that view!

Honestly I’d call her much worse than a fucking bitch, let me tell ya.

I would find that unforgiveable and would cit contact immediately.

Of course these discussions are important at a societal level , among policy setters, clinicians etc. NOT between family members when one gas a severely disabled child! How insensitive! Your sister needs to keep her opinions to herself! I’d have very low contact with her in future. So sorry she has upset you OP.

Every genius and entrepreneurs all have autism. Without them the world wouldn’t have moved past living in caves!

I think cutting contact is often suggested too quickly on MN, but I can't think of a way for this to be made up because it was utterly deliberate, i.e her saying the OP's son should not exist.
Apologies if this has already been put up, I've only read the OP's responses and a few pages.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/ng-interactive/2026/oct/09/11-questions-to-ask-before-cutting-contact-family

Ridiculous statement.

Even if that was the case which i very much doubt it is its irelevant to the Ops son.

I understand your fury, but she's entitled to her opinion, even if she said it in a hurtful way. I don't think you should "never" speak to her again. You don't need any permanent decision. Just stop speaking to her for the present.

She maybe entitled to her opnion but to say her nephew shouldnt be here is a terrible thing to say
And its going to have consequences.

I read the heading and thought no my sister could not do anything which would make me never speak to her again -but girl your sister did cross that line 🤬