Aibu to never speak to my sister again

[ThatFunnyCoralScroller]

Im shaking with anger still and struggle with grammar etc so used ai to fix my post below ti make it readable.

My son is 11 and has profound autism, which affects every aspect of his life. He is non-verbal, still in nappies, has no form of communication, and needs a wheelchair when we go out.

I was chatting to my sister today when she asked whether I thought that, one day, it might be possible to test for autism during pregnancy, in the same way as Down’s syndrome. I told her I didn’t know and, to be honest, it wasn’t something I really wanted to think about.

She then went on to say that if such a test existed and came back positive, she believed abortion would become the most common response and that autism would eventually no longer be a thing.

I told her that I thought that was a horrible thing to say, and I couldn’t help but take it personally because of my son.

She then started talking about how people with high support needs cost society money and give nothing back, and that she believes it would be selfish to bring a person like that into the world.

At that point, I was incredibly upset. I asked her outright, “Do you think my son shouldn’t be here?”

She said yes. Her only qualification was that, because we didn’t know about his autism when I was pregnant, she wouldn’t consider us selfish for having him.

I was absolutely devastated. I ended up calling her a fucking bitch and walking out.

I honestly don’t know how to come back from this. This isn’t just a hypothetical conversation about prenatal testing or abortion to me. She was talking about people like my son, someone I love more than anything, as though his life has less value because of his disabilities and the support he needs.

I can’t stop thinking about the fact that my own sister genuinely believes that someone like my son shouldn’t exist. I’m struggling to see how I can move past that.

Unforgiveable. That must have been so upsetting to hear.

She sounds like she’s not neurotypical.

Must admit my first thought was is she on the spectrum? Given the prevalence of it in families and the fact that your son is seriously affected. Because it's an inappropriate thing to say to you, of course, but I would guess the close relative of someone with non-verbal autism is more likely than the average not to understand they shouldn't go there. I say that as the parent of an ND child myself.

That is incredibly upsetting, OP. I'm sorry your sister made such a horrible comment.

I would never suggest going no contact as I believe most things can be resolved, but in reality I probably couldn't bring myself to be around her or talk to her anymore. Her comment is deeply upsetting because she knows your son and has commented specifically on him which is beyond heartless. I would want to protect my son from ever hearing comments like that too, especially from his own aunt! You would be justified in never communicating with her again.

Your son is a valued human being and he is loved💐

Unforgivable

Christ, I'm so sorry you had to deal with that with your sister. And sorry, but I really want everyone saying 'oh but she might be autistic too!' to royally fuck right off. Yes people who are autistic have a tendency to put their foot in it, but unless she's got significant cognitive issues alongside, even those of us who can be 'blunt' or 'direct' are capable of learning that you don't wish your own family members dead. Theres no excuse for that, none at all.

@ThatFunnyCoralScroller
Your sister is a very unkind piece of work
No wonder you don't want to speak to her anymore and
I know that I never could either
Because she considers her nephew, your son
The child of a lesser God
And how could you come back from that??

This is what I think.

None of the autistic people I know would be so nasty.

I support abortion in all circumstances, and a woman deciding to terminate a pregnancy where the child would have a disability is a valid choice and hers to make. But that’s not what your sister said, and yes I agree she’s a fucking bitch!

It’s one thing to decide to end a pregnancy and for that to be the right choice for you, it’s another to view human life through the lens of productivity and to declare the lives of disabled people to be worthless. It’s another thing still to hold this view after 11 years of your son being in her life! Someone who shares a similar outlook on disability as the Nazis wouldn’t be someone I would want in my life either.

That would slice into the core of my soul. What a cruel and heartless thing to say about your son and her nephew. I would struggle to forgive and would need her to make a full and sincere apology before I even considered speaking to her again. I so sorry OP, it must have been so painful to hear that from such a close family member.

Good for you. I can think of at least one, possibly two who I could see doing this. It's almost like if you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person.

To me, it’s the way she followed her argument through to the end, from the many people would abort, to the supposed immorality of going ahead with a pregnancy which will cost society, to your son shouldn’t be here, it’s just that his problems couldn’t be detected. It’s like she just continued to develop her point to its extreme end in the face of your distress. I guess it’s lucky your son has you as his mother and not her.

How could the mother of an autistic child NOT think something like that said to her by a sibling wasn't personal?

Over half of the people in the UK live in net recipient households, ie households that take out more than they pay in. A lot of those people do vital jobs without which society would collapse. Others don’t or can’t work, and a smaller proportion still need a huge amount of help throughout their lives, like your son. But, rightly, the ones who can do so look after all of those people, because we all benefit from living in a civilised society, and that is what a civilised society does. A human’s worth cannot be measured by the size of their tax return - what price could you possibly put on the love and joy people like your son will bring into this world over the course of their lifetimes?

To answer your question, were this my sister, I think I could eventually forgive most of it (after a heated row and several months of cooling down). But this comment would do it for me - I could never forgive this:

I asked her outright, “Do you think my son shouldn’t be here?”
She said yes.

I feel your sister made some valid points but to go beyond that and say yes when you asked if she thought your son shouldn't be here was overstepping the mark and makes me think maybe she is on the spectrum herself. Anyone else making similar points would have just lied and said "no" if they were asked the question because they would have the ability to make a judgement on how their reply would affect you and would have known they could not possibly have said yes, even if they thought it.

If anything, most people with autism have a stronger sense of social justice and fairness, so are more likely to advocate for minorities or other causes (environmental, animals etc) than most.
Autism (for someone verbal/lower support needs) often means less likely to pick up on non verbal cues, so might continue inappropriate conversations. But that's not what happened here, as OP very clearly told her 'that's a horrible thing to say'. No cues required. Sister carried on. That's not autism, that's making a choice to be an awful human being.

I think it’s one thing to think it and another to say it so bluntly and aggressively to someone whose child is autistic… someone you supposedly care about . Shows a massive lack of thought or empathy

I've found it's just easier to accept that some people don't get the fact that you love your SEND child every bit as much as you love your NT child. It says more about them that they assume differently, that's the way I look at it.

Maybe your sister will cost society more than you in old age or if she has an accident, who knows? We're all only one road traffic accident away from being completely dependent on the goodwill of others. Maybe we should all just give each other a bit of grace in this.

I wouldn't not speak to her ever again but I would tell her she doesn't get it, will never get it and maybe it's best that you never speak of it. Let her know how you feel though. She needs to hear it.

whether or not her points were objectively valid is not the point. That is NOT a conversation to start with the mother of a badly disabled child.

That's absolutely brutal. Is she always so blunt, no filter?

Do you think she'll apologise?

my sister loves my children like they are her own, and I hers. I cannot imagine my sister weighing my child’s worth as a drain on society. If she did, I would also cut contact.

I personally believe in the right to choose and would be in favour of genetic screening (I have an autistic child. It would have been helpful to know in advance to prepare myself). But what your sister said went way, way further.

She shouldn’t have been discussing this with you given your son.

But it’s not unreasonable to think people would abort if a child had a disability. Not everyone is geared up for that.

There are no legitimate conversations in a medical setting that challenge a person's right to exist.

I am sorry that your sister has hurt you and your son. I don't agree that everybody has the right to an 'opinion' when it is expressed as a 'prejudice'. Reminds me of the saying 'opinions are like arseholes, everybody has one'. Perhaps your sister is autistic or maybe she is a garden variety neuro-typical arse. So many little nazis who want to shit stir profess their right to an opinion. What about the human right of having your dignity respected? I don't know how you should respond to her, she has set a new low and you can decide if you need to be kind or not. Be kind to yourself and your son before her, whichever way you address her.

Regardless of whether she is correct that many people would choose to abort in those cases (and I probably am more minded to abortion being the more obvious choice but only in the context that at that point the child is not a person yet), (a) this conversation is an appalling and lacking in any genuine empathy to have with you in the context of your son's needs and (b) its pretty inhumane and treats people with serious autism as if they are "non-people" to talk about the choices a parent might make in terms of societal costs rather than what is right for the family. I also agree if she loves your son I don't know how she can maintain such an unnuanced opinion.