Aibu to never speak to my sister again

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Im shaking with anger still and struggle with grammar etc so used ai to fix my post below ti make it readable.

My son is 11 and has profound autism, which affects every aspect of his life. He is non-verbal, still in nappies, has no form of communication, and needs a wheelchair when we go out.

I was chatting to my sister today when she asked whether I thought that, one day, it might be possible to test for autism during pregnancy, in the same way as Down’s syndrome. I told her I didn’t know and, to be honest, it wasn’t something I really wanted to think about.

She then went on to say that if such a test existed and came back positive, she believed abortion would become the most common response and that autism would eventually no longer be a thing.

I told her that I thought that was a horrible thing to say, and I couldn’t help but take it personally because of my son.

She then started talking about how people with high support needs cost society money and give nothing back, and that she believes it would be selfish to bring a person like that into the world.

At that point, I was incredibly upset. I asked her outright, “Do you think my son shouldn’t be here?”

She said yes. Her only qualification was that, because we didn’t know about his autism when I was pregnant, she wouldn’t consider us selfish for having him.

I was absolutely devastated. I ended up calling her a fucking bitch and walking out.

I honestly don’t know how to come back from this. This isn’t just a hypothetical conversation about prenatal testing or abortion to me. She was talking about people like my son, someone I love more than anything, as though his life has less value because of his disabilities and the support he needs.

I can’t stop thinking about the fact that my own sister genuinely believes that someone like my son shouldn’t exist. I’m struggling to see how I can move past that.

You just did. JFC.

My brother has been a dick to my DD on multiple occasions for no concrete reason, to the point I ended up going NC because it just seemed like there was no other option. Sometimes I do think we should resume contact, just because of the position it puts my mother in.

But if he had ever, ever said to my face something like that, it would definitely make my decision permanent with no second guessing.

My family...

Its because of what she said (that was dreadful) that you could speak to her again because you think SHE has ASC.

if she has she needs compassion and educating, people with autism don’t get it right

If she didn’t have autism crack on and cut the fucker out

She's been unnecessarily cruel.

However, I do think she's got half a point about terminations. A lot of people, if they knew their child would have a profound disability, would abort.

I would never speak to her again, or want her around my child. Your boy’s life is valid, and meaningful. Autism is hard but it also brings so much joy and beauty and empathy to our lives - a society without autism would be less rich. Not that anyone’s worth should be determined based on what they “bring” to society. Just being here makes a person worthy of love and kindness, no matter what. Sending you love OP ❤️

It sounds like your sister has been consuming far right literature of some kind to be coming out with this sort of rhetoric. What is her husband like? It might be worth having a phone call with Prevent to see if they've had any referrals about your sister's views because they are probably being monitored somewhere.

Does she have any relationship with your son? I can’t imagine saying a loved family member shouldn’t have been born and had it been her and she knew of his needs before hand she’d of terminated him. I would never allow your son around her and i would cut her off in a heartbeat. If she’s a bully at work that’s not autistic that’s a bitch. Being autistic you can struggle to pick up social cues and be a bit blunt but being cruel is completely different and they can also co exist so even if she is ND it’s not a free pass. I have a very similar sounding child and I’m so angry on your behalf 😠

Dr Mengele called, he thought you should be friends.

Shame on you.

I'm struggling to understand what she was trying to achieve. Was she hoping to convince you to smother your child in his sleep 🤔 what a bizarre and hurtful thing to say, for no apparent reason either. I'm not sure you need to immediately cut contact. Maybe see if she apologises or explains herself. Is she on the spectrum, for example?

Separate to this. Just for the sake of debate. If the roles were reversed, would you want to live your life the way your son currently does?

Posts like this terrify me. These people live among us

This is why I will always oppose so called "assisted dying". Initial robust safeguards would be watered down (just like they were with terminating pregnancy). Within a couple of generations, many people unfortunate enough to develop dementia etc would be killed off

By her logic my husband and brother, the two people I love more than anything, shouldn't exist either. I couldn't forgive something like that. I would cut her off completely. I am impressed you didn't punch her lights out.

Love all the people saying eugenics yes, expressing it no. If you ever gone on about welfare spending but not tax avoidance / evasion you are part of this.

There is a real hatred being expressed for disabled people ..it is growing …the thing is it’s starts with the disabled and moves to other groups…the elderly…too costly? Illness…that’s a weakness isn’t it? Sick babies ..where does the economic line get drawn?

That's absolutely horrendous and unforgivable of them. Sending you hugs.

im so sorry your sister has upset you. I hope you have support around you.
I do think there are people who believe as your sister does and its her preogative to think and decide for herself what her choices would be.
I dont think she should have said what she did to you and see why it fellt personal to you because it was.
I have a friend who said something similar to a mutual friend of ours who has a child with disabilities. The friend who said it is autistic with i think is ironic....

Christ almighty. I'm so sorry OP.

What a horrible and upsetting thing to say to you . I'm sorry you had to hear that, and especially from a loved one 💐.

Goodness I cannot believe that she decided you were the right person to have that discussion with. I would be in no hurry to talk to her again that’s for certain.
Perhaps a theoretical situation to make her think… If she was disabled by a massive stroke or head injury would she like to be killed so as not to be a drain on society?

Nah, regardless of her opinions that’s just out of order.

Walk away.

Totally out of line and NOT what OP's post was about! She did not ask to engage in a debate about living with disability.

That’s such a hurtful and thoughtless thing to say. It’s like saying if you could test for if your son would have an accident or lose a limb or suffer pain or become a violent parent or anything, you shouldn’t have them. Most of us would like to avoid difficulty sometimes. It’s the idea of deleting the variety of life and the many varied expressions of love that the world holds and all becoming beige and meaningless.
I bet you have learned and grown so much more through the experience of having a disabled child. She is very ignorant.

This

But, putting aside the views themselves for a minute, the sister RAISED this with the OP.

Why, if you knew your view was that you thought her child should not exist, would you do that?

There is something wrong with her OP. She is jealous, or fundamentally cruel, I don't know, but that isn't normal behaviour.

May be a day, like Downs, that people make decisions if ever given the choice. But to be honest, that is the choice of the parents, not anyone else and cannot be for 'cost the state loads' or whatever nonsense.

What your sister said was disgusting. Not only for the shittiest of reasons but because your lovely child is already here, already cared for and already loved very much. How could anyone possibly think that was wrong? It was a nasty conversation for her to start. Am so sorry OP, it was all a bit horrible.

I’m not offended by that whatsoever, and have a child with basically identical needs.

I’d trade my life for my sons tomorrow.

He lives in blissful ignorance of his challenges. He doesn’t care if you’re looking at him, if he’s covered in his own bodily fluids, what clothes he’s wearing; or even if he’s wearing any. He lives in a bubble of airplanes and dinosaurs. He doesn’t care about offending people, including us, he doesn’t chase social approval, he doesn’t want material nonsense. He wholeheartedly believes he’s the centre of the universe, and that we’re all wrong for not letting him do exactly what he wants at all times.

Life is difficult for the people who stay up all night with him, who feed and change him, who search for the specific brands of lasagne he’ll tolerate.

He couldn’t give a shit.