Aibu to never speak to my sister again

[ThatFunnyCoralScroller]

Im shaking with anger still and struggle with grammar etc so used ai to fix my post below ti make it readable.

My son is 11 and has profound autism, which affects every aspect of his life. He is non-verbal, still in nappies, has no form of communication, and needs a wheelchair when we go out.

I was chatting to my sister today when she asked whether I thought that, one day, it might be possible to test for autism during pregnancy, in the same way as Down’s syndrome. I told her I didn’t know and, to be honest, it wasn’t something I really wanted to think about.

She then went on to say that if such a test existed and came back positive, she believed abortion would become the most common response and that autism would eventually no longer be a thing.

I told her that I thought that was a horrible thing to say, and I couldn’t help but take it personally because of my son.

She then started talking about how people with high support needs cost society money and give nothing back, and that she believes it would be selfish to bring a person like that into the world.

At that point, I was incredibly upset. I asked her outright, “Do you think my son shouldn’t be here?”

She said yes. Her only qualification was that, because we didn’t know about his autism when I was pregnant, she wouldn’t consider us selfish for having him.

I was absolutely devastated. I ended up calling her a fucking bitch and walking out.

I honestly don’t know how to come back from this. This isn’t just a hypothetical conversation about prenatal testing or abortion to me. She was talking about people like my son, someone I love more than anything, as though his life has less value because of his disabilities and the support he needs.

I can’t stop thinking about the fact that my own sister genuinely believes that someone like my son shouldn’t exist. I’m struggling to see how I can move past that.

Unless your sister is an exceptionally high earner, she wouldn't likely be a net contributor herself, most people use more of societies resources in childhood and retirement than they ever contribute. Perhaps she needs to volunteer a date she'll off herself at the end of her working life so can stick to her own bloody morals.

I am pro choice but your sister made it personal and insulted you and your son to a massive degree.
What a thing to say.

Its one thing to agree with genetic testing
And we all know some people would choose abortion if they found out they were pregnant with a disabled child
But to say a living ,breathing much loved disabled child shouldnt be here is abhorrent .

I have voted YANBU but I would try to mend your relationship if you can. I think she sees how challenging your life is and thinks she couldn't do it herself. You have develop inner strengths that the rest of use never have to.

That’s a terrible thing for your sister to say op. There wouldn’t be a way back from that for me I’m afraid.

Whatever your views, who says stuff like that to the mother of a child who she is effectively describing?

That’s a horrible thing for her to say. She can have whatever views she likes, but surely she can see that saying something like that is going to be incredibly hurtful to you, and totally uncalled for. I’d find it hard not to continue to have a relationship with her after that.

I mean.. it is a forum for discussion, but thanks for jumping in to get offended on behalf of someone else. It's more about trying to open her mind to her sister's intentions - there is a chance her sister is on the spectrum and didn't realise what she was saying was super offensive - I don't know how else to explain it because you just wouldn't, would you?! But yeah, let's all jump to telling her to cut ties with her family, with no proper context. Great idea.

Wow! What a bitch.

You are better off steering well clear. FFS - I would have told her it was a shame that being an asshole wasn’t something we could test for so she could have been aborted.

I’m sorry OP I completely disagree with your sister.

I believe the highest human quality is how we look after those more vulnerable than ourselves.

I’m surprised you are shocked though, most people have debated this but in the context of children with Down syndrome. Many people out there with what I consider abhorrent views.

This isn’t a miscommunication - your sister was very clear on what she thinks of your son’s life’s value - not some hypothetical debate but her own flesh and blood. If it were me I know I couldn’t forgive her (or at least I would truly struggle with it, even if she genuinely apologised). I’m so sorry OP she said that to you, it’s awful. I am also pro choice in all situations - that means the right to have a child (as well as the right not to).

Objectively I think I align with your sister but I say that as someone who has no skin in the game. I don’t know anyone with complex medical needs.

I can also hand on heart say that I would never wish a member of my family away. Surely the instinct should be to live and protect. What your sister said to you is unforgivable, YANBU to cut contact.

why does that mean that the OP should try to repair the relationship?

First reasonable response thus far, also it is not just about how a parent deals with a profoundly disabled child. We also have to consider the quality of our fellow human beings life as well, as unpallatable as that may sound.

Interested in your last sentence- what do you mean by that?

Who said I was offended? What OP's sister said to her was completely out of line, though. OP is obviously very upset, it is not the right time to be asking her to comment on that - again, inappropriate.

And nice try at backtracking, where did you suggest that her sister might be on the spectrum?

The Op has no choice to do it and wether her sister thinks she couldnt cope is irelevant this is a living breathing child who has as much right to life as anyone.

Probably a view shared by many in relation to having an option to abort should a test be available, but you pick your audience, and I think it was unnecessary to share her views with you, considering you have a child with autism.

In my very first reply to the OP.. the one you quoted..

"...Maybe see if she apologises or explains herself. Is she on the spectrum, for example?"

Because people are sometimes more loose-tongued with family, which means they say things outlaid in clumsy and ill-thought-through ways without considering the consequences. Family are also often our emotional and practical support network, so, if possible, it is best to wait until emotions have calmed and then explain clearly why the comment heart and why that conversation must never happen again. Ideally, the sister needs to be given the opportunity to understand the pain she caused and to apologise for it.

Well unless you are suggesting Euthansia it is what it is the child is here its not a hypothetical pregnancy hes a little boy who drserves to live aa much as anyone .

Sorry - replied but it didn't link. Internet a bit dodgy.

I am not suggesting being doormat. Just not cutting off a loved one in the heat of the moment.

My son is also as you describe. I have cut off a friend who said similar, but more relating to benefits. To imagine my own sister saying these things to me about my child is abhorrent. YANBU. I'm sorry OP, how hurtful and cruel.

Well exactly - which is precisely why it is a leap for people to say the sister sounds autistic

I agree with this.