Aibu to never speak to my sister again

[ThatFunnyCoralScroller]

Im shaking with anger still and struggle with grammar etc so used ai to fix my post below ti make it readable.

My son is 11 and has profound autism, which affects every aspect of his life. He is non-verbal, still in nappies, has no form of communication, and needs a wheelchair when we go out.

I was chatting to my sister today when she asked whether I thought that, one day, it might be possible to test for autism during pregnancy, in the same way as Down’s syndrome. I told her I didn’t know and, to be honest, it wasn’t something I really wanted to think about.

She then went on to say that if such a test existed and came back positive, she believed abortion would become the most common response and that autism would eventually no longer be a thing.

I told her that I thought that was a horrible thing to say, and I couldn’t help but take it personally because of my son.

She then started talking about how people with high support needs cost society money and give nothing back, and that she believes it would be selfish to bring a person like that into the world.

At that point, I was incredibly upset. I asked her outright, “Do you think my son shouldn’t be here?”

She said yes. Her only qualification was that, because we didn’t know about his autism when I was pregnant, she wouldn’t consider us selfish for having him.

I was absolutely devastated. I ended up calling her a fucking bitch and walking out.

I honestly don’t know how to come back from this. This isn’t just a hypothetical conversation about prenatal testing or abortion to me. She was talking about people like my son, someone I love more than anything, as though his life has less value because of his disabilities and the support he needs.

I can’t stop thinking about the fact that my own sister genuinely believes that someone like my son shouldn’t exist. I’m struggling to see how I can move past that.

What an awful thing to say to you OP. She’s entitled to her opinions but she should not have said this to you and kept her mouth shut. Not sure how you can come back from this her own nephew wow! absolutely terrible thing to say

This was an opinion that she should not have expressed to you in the first place, regardless of the comments about your son. That comment just took it past forgiveness in my opinion.

She also seems to be confused as to what testing for autism in utero might mean. It would mean that the parents, namely the mother, could make a personal decision about whether to carry on with the pregnancy or not. It would not mean that all foetus’ that test positive for any type of disability MUST be aborted because they cost the state too much money. The latter is not a world I want to live in.

My experience of some people with autism is they don’t “notice when someone is upset (eg non verbal cues) or may not expect them to get upset” and also think they are wrong to be upset so they shouldn’t be upset so it doesn’t matter.

I can well imagine OP’s sister being indignant that she’s expected to apologise for upsetting her sister, and cross her sister is making a fuss because ‘she’s right’.

I’d feel incredibly upset too, and think it’s understandable that this will affect your relationship going forward. But I think cutting out family members is a huge thing to do, I don’t think you should make that decision now when hurt and upset. Allow time to pass, give her a chance to apologise, see how you feel in a few weeks or months and reflect on what it is to cull such an important relationship due to unpleasant views.

It is abhorrent to say it TO THE PARENT OF A CHILD WITH SUCH A DISABILITY. Please learn to read.

It is however wicked to suggest a living ,breathing much loved child should never have been born.

I'm not going to give my opinion on your sister's views but she definitely shouldn't have said this to you.

However, I would look at it from the different perspective - perhaps she loves you and feels upset and frustrated seeing you looking after your DC. I can imagine your whole life is dedicated to caring for him (which is understandable as its your son and you love him no matter what) so perhaps she is feeling sorry for you and is bitter as she is wondering what your life could have been. Your DC is not her child so all she sees is your struggles and she doesnt feel the same love you feel.

She was definitely out of order but I would not cut her off. Perhaps have another conversation with her.

I think there is a world of difference between having a hypothetical conversation about disability and its impact, and then doubling down on people who have made/ would make the same choices even if they had all the information. Particularly when you have so little self awareness that you cannot comprehend how hurtful your comments are to others.

Your sister is entitled to her views. I am not agreeing with them btw. But I do think raising this with you was a nasty and unkind thing to do and I wonder what her plan was. Did she really think you would be the ideal person to have this chat with or was she making some kind of point?

Your son is an asset to society because he is loved by you and shows love to you in his own way. The more love we have in the world the better. I really hope that that whether you ever speak to your sister again, you don’t let her

I find it hard to relate to that. It’s perfectly reasonable to hold the views expressed by her sister and a lot of people do - it’s pretty dim and horrible to express them to her. But to refuse to speak to a family member because of one clumsily expressed opinion is an overreaction, assuming they accept they were in the wrong and apologise.

Outright saying that your disabled nephew shouldn't exist is far more than just a clumsily expressed opinion.

An apology would be meaningless to me personally.

A clumsily expressed opnion ?
How would you feel if a close family member told you your child shouldnt exist?

Obviously I’m not in the situation and much depends on how this was said and their prior relationship , but I understand where her sister was coming from and it sounds as if she was speaking generally and then was rather tripped up by the OPs own question.

So its not her views but the fact she expressed them to you and put it in the context of your son thats the issue?

Im a bit confused why so many people dont disagree with her views but find it so abhorrent when put in context? What's the difference?

Of course there would be consequences.
All I said was: I don't think you should "never" speak to her again. You don't need any permanent decision. Just stop speaking to her for the present.

I’m horrified at her attitude and the fact that she could be so cruel to her own sister and nephew. Every single person on this earth deserves to be here and contributes something unique. Your sister is an unfeeling cow and no YANBU to never speak to her again.

I wouldn’t continue with a pregnancy if I knew the baby had disabilities that would have a negative impact on both their life and the lives of my family.

HOWEVER this is my personal choice, I would never judge anyone for continuing with a pregnancy when they have all the information.

Your sister needs to keep her opinions to herself.

I don't want to defend what she said, but is there any possibility that she has seen the effect that caring for your son has had on you, and maybe other family members, and her thinking led to her saying something too bluntly and negatively, that in her head was meant to indicate that she can see how much work caring for your son is?