Aibu to never speak to my sister again

[ThatFunnyCoralScroller]

Im shaking with anger still and struggle with grammar etc so used ai to fix my post below ti make it readable.

My son is 11 and has profound autism, which affects every aspect of his life. He is non-verbal, still in nappies, has no form of communication, and needs a wheelchair when we go out.

I was chatting to my sister today when she asked whether I thought that, one day, it might be possible to test for autism during pregnancy, in the same way as Down’s syndrome. I told her I didn’t know and, to be honest, it wasn’t something I really wanted to think about.

She then went on to say that if such a test existed and came back positive, she believed abortion would become the most common response and that autism would eventually no longer be a thing.

I told her that I thought that was a horrible thing to say, and I couldn’t help but take it personally because of my son.

She then started talking about how people with high support needs cost society money and give nothing back, and that she believes it would be selfish to bring a person like that into the world.

At that point, I was incredibly upset. I asked her outright, “Do you think my son shouldn’t be here?”

She said yes. Her only qualification was that, because we didn’t know about his autism when I was pregnant, she wouldn’t consider us selfish for having him.

I was absolutely devastated. I ended up calling her a fucking bitch and walking out.

I honestly don’t know how to come back from this. This isn’t just a hypothetical conversation about prenatal testing or abortion to me. She was talking about people like my son, someone I love more than anything, as though his life has less value because of his disabilities and the support he needs.

I can’t stop thinking about the fact that my own sister genuinely believes that someone like my son shouldn’t exist. I’m struggling to see how I can move past that.

What a cow!!! You definitely do not need this woman in your life, even if she is your sister. She needs to know that what she has said to you is completely unacceptable and there is no coming back from this.

What is more, ND or not, sister or stranger; these kind of opinions, which take sensitive, emotive and very personal issues and turn them into an economic cost argument, are so much of what is wrong with this country. Where did compassion go?

@DoubleBusy2026 it's uncaring to say this to OP, but it's not offensive as a statement, in the same way we say this about raising a child with Downs Syndrome. Why would that be the case? It's someone discussing a personal choice that will affect the rest of their life, the child's life, family members left to care for said child, and society as a whole.

@ExtraOnions but we do already make these decisions - for example, NICE take into account the cost of medication when deciding what drugs can be prescribed through the NHS. These things already happen.

No they aren’t. This is a ridiculous and uneducated thing to say.

It is not a controversial viewpoint - not many people would actively choose to devote their lives to caring for a profoundly disabled child with all the worry about what will happen when they themselves grow old and die.

However this doesn’t mean they wish any harm to anyone disabled! They are simply able to imagine how hard the carer’s life must be.

Not sure I’d be able to move past that either, OP. So sorry to hear you’ve had to experience that level of pain from a family member 💔 it goes without saying that your son’s life is worth just as much as anyone else’s.

Mature and educated people would be able to come together, OP would be able to explain to her sister how offensive she found these remarks, sister would be able to reflect and apologise, they could find a way forward.

That is something you think. It’s not something you say (at least, not to the parent of a profoundly disabled child). It does sound like she may be autistic herself given her apparent lack of understanding of fairly basic social rules.

Exactly this. Well said.

Wow. It’s a bad thing she believes it; but pure poison to say it to you.

I would never speak to her again.

Very sad, yes. It’s one of those situations where the sister has opened her mouth and what has been blurted out can’t ever be retracted. OP’s sister has shown OP who she really is.

Is she ND herself?

I know a number of people, who are high functioning autistic and highly intelligent but who would openly say this kind of thing, and worse, and not understand why it is unacceptable. They see things in very black and white terms only..

It is a complicated topic - but the bottom line is, it is not one she should have raised with you, at all.

Ironically, it is possible your sister is ND, if she hasn't a clue what is an appropriate topic, bangs on when anyone else would spot that it isn't landing well, and multiple people she works with have this same issue with her regarding tone and communication... it is likely (and because it is genetic of course).

As for the topic itself - as a philosophical discussion where no one is directly affected by it - thats one thing, or started by a disabled person or parent of a disabled child... but absolutely inappropriate for HER to have started it with you, totally the wrong context and absolutely thoughtless and cruel of her (even if she IS ND!)

Disagree. If the sister didn’t have the empathy to know how offensive she was being, then she’s not the type to listen and learn and reflect.

There is a 6 year old boy in my extended family who has profound autism. He's a lovely boy who I enjoy spending time with. I am also aware that there are aspects of everyday life - common noises etc - that he finds profoundly distressing. He can't speak. He will never be able to live independently. He may not acquire much understanding of danger which would mean needing constant supervision.

He brings joy to his parents but also heartache. His mother has relatives who are also neurodivergent, though who have jobs, relationships etc. His mother seemed postively to seek out - at university - a partner who had marked autistic traits perhaps because that is what she knew best and felt at home with. But somehow the combination of two parents where autism was in the wider family, produced this lovely, loved child who can't do all sorts of ordinary, apparently simple things and who may never in any ordinary sense grow up.

And I sometimes catch myself thinking that I wish his mother - the one I am related to - had never met his father. Or that they had never decided to have children together. (They are divorced now and I think the pressures caused by having to work extra hard to look after their son, may have split them up.)

It is just such a very hard world to bring even neurotypical children into. My husband and I were talking about our young relative and speculating as to whether it might have been easier in the past when there were simple manual jobs that people could do and stronger communities. Whereas now everyone is expected to have 'good communication skills' and 'develop independence.'

I think it's also desperately sad when having a child with additional needs isolates the parents from their wider family. Though I fully acknowledge the pain that arises when a child is not valued as they should be.

I said Yanbu because of the way it said it to you without any consideration to your feelings.

However I’m pro choice and do think people should have the right to terminate a pregnancy through choice if severe disability is known about through pre natal testing.

But I also have a ds with a rare genetic condition and don’t think people like
him shouldn't exist.

It’s personal choice.

She's a nasty piece of work to say that. Does she have form?

Your son is lovely, I know that by your post and your love for him shines through. Take no notice of anyone who ever says anything negative about him without reason to. Does she have kids?

I am mature and educated.
If a family member told me my daughter ought not to exist I’d never see them again, and probably use lots of expletives whilst I explained that to them.

Some things are unforgivable.

So ask her where she’d withdraw the line, because she might feel she’s neuro average (I know that’s not the right term but my brain is refusing to give me the right word) but you strongly suspect she’s Neuro Diverse. So what if a test could detect that? Would she be ok with being considered someone who ‘shouldn’t be here’ simply because she’s not what would be considered the ‘standard’? Someone with beliefs along those lines might not consider her that differently from your son. So where does she think that line should be drawn? Someone who is able to live independently? Or someone who can fit into society without upsetting people because they struggle with people skills? Has she considered the possibility that people she works with have thought that their lives would be easier if she wasn’t working there? And that there are people wandering the earth who believe in a master race that she wouldn’t qualify to be a part of.

Obviously a horrific opinion, and the idea that your boy shouldn’t be here is abhorrent. But saying something like that might give her the short, sharp shock she needs to understand why what she has said is so awful. I suspect that your relationship with her won’t recover from this unless she understands why it was wrong and how much she’s hurt you.

It was a completely inappropriate conversation to have with you.
I wouldn't personally continue with a pregnancy if screening identified a disability. But I wouldn't say that to my friend who has a very disabled sibling.
Is it possible your sister doesn't understand what is and isn't appropriate to say ( taking into account who you are speaking to).

Having an opinion is absolutely fine but bringing it up and then saying what she did to your face is disgusting and I'd never want to speak to her again either.

That is horrible to say, I'm so sorry you had to hear that from your own sister. And she knew it was a sensitive topic so she shouldn't have raised it. Awful. I would tell her how horrible it was and to never ever hear again. She needs to understand the severity of what she said.

I wouldn't cut her off though because you never know when you might need her for something like a favour..

I appreciate that people might think that, but who would say that to their sister, who is the parent of an autistic child. It's beyond insensitive.

You’ve put this better than I ever could…..yes to freedom of choice 100%…..no to being an absolute cunt about the OP,s darling son …and her own nephew…I’m 55 and I thought I’d heard it all until this !! Massive un MN hugs to you OP….shes a weapons grade arsehole for saying that…xx