AIBU to be utterly stunned by this level of deceit?

[Marioo75]

Married for 20 years, together for 25. After about 15 years, I started to question how healthy my marriage really was. There would be the odd outburst here and there from my now ex-dh, huge strops because I wouldn’t move back to his home country. I had already done it once for 3 years for the sake of the marriage, unable to speak the language, unable to work, and completely dependent on him. When his contract ended we returned to the UK, it was such a relief.

To be the one who birthed three children. To be working part-time for the entire marriage so he could travel for his high-powered job. To be playing hostess to everything he wanted with his family. To be carrying the immense personal burden of moving across the world for his career—only to find out he was spitting in my food and drink and rubbing my toothbrush in the toilet. My offence? Not moving back to his home country.

I finally filed for divorce. To be stripped of my children through lives with orders because they were at the ages of 13, 14, and 15. To be lied about to my own teenage children, framed as unfaithful so they would reject me—only to find out he was the one having an affair for the last 13 years, and still is.

To be fought financially, listening to him argue that he is a poor single father of 3 who needs the family home and most, if not all, of the equity. To be told by my own children that in 3 years they are all moving to their father’s country, angry at me for destroying the family.

I might be feeling sorry for myself, but to me, this is a level of psychological cruelty that is almost impossible to process. What was it all for? What now?

To any young woman reading this: please, please take notice of those early red flags. I ignored them, and I wish I hadn’t. Life is so painful.

Time to divorce isn’t it really

Oh gosh I am so so so sorry you are experiencing this! I do not have advice just a hand hold. How awful :( do you have much support IRL?
I have also learned the hard way to not ignore those early red flag and to be careful who you have children with.. hindsight is a wonderful thing.
i hope you have caring people around you, this is not your fault and karma will come back to bite him!

I'm so, so sorry. Fight. Fight your corner as much as you can. He's taken so much from you and worn you down. Don't let the bastard win. If you've survived so far, you do have it in you. Time to get angry.

She is divorced. She refers to him as her ex in the OP.

What does this mean? I must be getting a bit confused in my old age, but this doesn't make sense to me.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Hopefully one day your children will realise what a liar their dad really isnt once they don't dance to his tune or continue to believe his narrative

This is so incredibly painful. How utterly gut wrenching. The only thing I know for sure is that in time, your children will see the person their father is. Men like this can’t charm forever. There will come a point in their lives when the cracks in him start to show, and then they will have to decide whether they continue to play his game, or whether they step outside of the control he obviously has over them at this point. I know, because I now see my dad for who he is.
Play the long game.

I feel for you op

My exh did such a number on our 3 x dc I haven't seen 1 for nearly 10 years and it took so much heartache and determination to nurture a relationship with the other 2.
When exh died the relief was immense..
Look after yourself and don't give up hope that they will come back 1 day.

hopefully
To be able to plan a successful future where you are not letting the past limit you

Can you not read?

This is awful OP.

I only have questions no advice I’m afraid.

Why was your H given custody?
How did you discover the spitting in your food and your toothbrush being used to clean the toilet?
Can you stop your children from leaving the country? Apparently two parents need to give permission for this.

This has already been said, but yes, Play the long game. The deceit I've faced isn't the same, But I absolutely cannot wait for my kids to find out why their dad and I divorced. Its completely broken my trust in any future partner, I will never open myself up to another person like I did to him and he absolutely took the piss out me. I can't wait for the kids to find out it was all their dad's fault.

For those curious, I'm not his type anymore. Turns out I never was his type, and suddenly after 10 years together and 2 kids he got himself hooked on grindr. So many lies

And he wasted so many of your best years from living his lie. So so selfish.

This is rare though, so you shouldn’t stop yourself from being happy with someone else.

They have.

I’m am sorry op, this is just awful. I feel for you and your children and v much hope that as they grow older they learn the reality. I hope you regain relationships with them.

You had the bravery to leave this dreadful man - keep going forwards.

@GeorginaWilby pretty sure that poster is being spiteful for the hell of it.

I am sorry you have been through this OP, hopefully better days will come.

Your ex sounds a lot like my ex, but in my case the problems were coupled with domestic abuse too. Fortunately I got out after 5 years.

It is never too late, and your children are so confused right now - but everything will become clear soon and they will realise the truth x