To think there was no lie (and my colleague is weird)?

[OrangeBlouse]

A new colleague, Martin, joined our team about six weeks ago. He has occasionally referenced his partner, Steph, in conversation.

Today over lunch one of the team was moaning about how her husband doesn’t get how her MIL is sticking her nose in all the time. Martin said, “I know, Steph’s the same. His mum drives me mad, but he thinks she can do no wrong”.

I was taken aback and couldn’t help saying “He?” out loud. Martin looked a bit confused, then laughed and said, “Oh, you thought Steph was a woman! No, Stef - short for Stefan.” I apologised for assuming, he said it was fine; it had happened before. Then the conversation just went on as normal.

Anyway, later one of my colleagues, Shannon, said to me and nightmare MIL colleague that it was “really weird” that Martin had “lied to us”. I was a bit confused; I said he hadn’t lied, but we’d just assumed his partner was a woman, and now we knew we were wrong. Just a simple misunderstanding. Shannon was digging her heels in and said Martin must have deliberately tried to avoid saying “he” and why had he done it? My other colleague pointed out that, if he was trying to hide a male partner for some reason, he wasn’t trying very hard, given he’d openly referred to him as “he”.

She asked Shannon if she had a problem with Martin being gay, given she was making a thing of it. She said of course not, but she didn’t like “being lied to”.

We were flummoxed. As far as were both concerned, Martin hadn’t lied; he’d assumed we knew Stef was a man, we assumed he was a woman, and now we know different. I was initially worried he might be offended, but there’s no sign of that. So why is it such a big thing for Shannon? My other colleague wondered if she fancied Martin and is annoyed he’s unavailable, but even when she thought he was straight, he had a partner, so was always off-limits.

It’s not just me, is it? This is bizarre, right?

Shannon is being very odd. If anyone was going to take offence it would be Martin and he’s fine. Gay people are allowed to just exist and talk about their family, they don’t have to announce they’re gay. Shannon has some funny ideas.

You're right - there was no lie at all. Just an inaccurate (but understandable) assumption that's now been corrected.

Shannon is being petulant and sounds like the type to make a fuss for the sake of it

No lies told.

Shannon is very odd.

We had a similar situation but the opposite once - my parents had new neighbours called “Peter and Will”. When my parents mentioned them, we assumed a gay male couple. Turns out Will is Wil, for Wilhelmina.

Shannon sounds like a right twat

No lies were told and his private life is his private life. She's going to come a cropper if she thinks that's her business.

Martin doesn't owe you all an announcement of his sexuality, in the same way straight people don't have to announce "my partner of the opposite sex"

It shouldn't matter and yes, Shannon is being weird.

Plot twist, it's spelled Peta

I had exactly the same happen to me at work in London in the 80’s, when AIDS was happening, and being openly gay still wasn’t easy for some. We all assumed Steph was Stephanie. However when we all finally clocked it no one was offended or upset in any way, in fact the bloke concerned became a good friend.

Shannon only feels lied to because she is heteronormative in her thinking and believes that anyone who doesn't fit in her world view should have to declare themselves. Presumably Martin doesn't fit her internal image of how gay men dress and act. It is forcing her to have to subconsciously reassess her own thinking. She needs some unconscious bias training.

Maybe Martin is bi, but either way Shannon is still weird.

Shannon's being weird.

DP was assumed to be gay by a new member of staff because of his referring to me as his partner and using a unisex nickname for me (like Sam or Alex).
That's not hiding things or anything. Your co-worker Shannon made an assumption and was mistaken.

I would assume from her reaction that she does have an issue with him being gay, and be on the lookout for any negative bias affecting her work with him or her interactions with him.

Shannon is being a twat.

If your new colleague did wait a few weeks to out himself, that's normal. I don't immediately walk into a new workplace or start with a new client and announce 'hello, new colleagues, I AM A HOMOSEXUAL'. Because that would be really weird.

It's not about lying; it's about taking a few weeks to see whether or not you think people will react badly, and also about not wanting people to say 'well, that new bloke Martin is a bit weird, he kept pushing us to realise he's gay with all these references to his male partner!'

It's a really fine line to walk.

It's also, btw, really odd of her to think that everyone owes her detailed and exact accounts of their private lives!

Shannon is being weird.

Shannon is homophobic

I do wonder if this is part of it. We had a gay man working with us a couple of years back and he was very “stereotypical”, for the want of a better word. Maybe for some reason she feels foolish that she didn’t twig with Martin? Although it seems ridiculous to me.

He didn't lie.
People don't go around announcing they are straight so why would someone go around announcing they are gay.

I think Shannon is making a mountain out of a molehill and creating unnecessary drama.

X

Your colleague is weird. Simple misunderstanding. In his shoes I may have referred to his partner as Stefan initially but it’s not a biggie.

She fancied him and feels silly

We had an Alex and Jean move in opposite. I was away when they moved in so DH met them formally, I just saw them coming and going said hi when we passed in the street etc. Months later DH heard me chatting to someone at the door and when I came back in he asked who was at the door. I said Alex from over the road he looked puzzled and said but that was a man's voice.

I had assumed they were Alexander and Jean as in Harlow but it turns out they were Alexandra and Gene as in Kelly.

Maybe Martin and Shannon had had many chats and he never corrected her presumption before. So she feels lied to now.