When are messages not acceptable?
I’m married to a man who was raised in the Middle East. He has a British mother and a father from Dubai. He is Muslim (although he doesn’t really follow any of the teachings/rules), notably he has a 9 year old daughter from a very brief relationship in his early 20s. This caused massive shock throughout his family and a lot of drama.
Very early on in our relationship he made it very clear to me that he saw friendships between females and males as unacceptable. He said that friendships can only work if: one of the parties is gay, they have tried a romantic connection but it didn’t happen, or one person rejects the other. I have 2 male friends (both gay incidentally). I’ve never felt controlled by his opinions, but also never felt the need to have male friends.
I noticed that he has been more distant with me, embarrassingly one time said “come on then I’ve got places to be” when I tried to initiate sex (that still cuts really deep), and that everything I did annoyed him. I started to think he was having an affair, and wrongly or rightly, I checked his social media. I found messages spanning a month to a woman who he used to know in Dubai. She had messaged him saying that her marriage had broken down. They were talking about what they had been up to since they last saw each other - she said she had moved to France for work/divorced etc, he said he had opened a business and had a child. He didn’t say he was married or that we were expecting another child. She said she’d like to meet up with him and he stopped replying (well, that’s when I found the messages).
He told me that this was someone who used to go to university with him. But his brother has since told me that they had been friendly in college
I was really shocked and quite upset that he’d done this, and that he had lied about it. I remember one night asking why he was acting so cold to me, was there anyone else? He said no.
He said it was just a friendly conversation and he was going to meet her and bring me and our child with him. I don’t understand that at all, because why would he just spring it on me? He cried and blocked her and begged me not to leave him… but why that reaction if she was just a friend?
Since then, I got over it. But a few weeks ago the feeling came back. I’ve become insane, genuinely - everything is a “sign” he’s cheating.
he came back from the gym with scratches up his arms and on his hands, he’s started putting his phone face down when he’s at home, he’s mentioned a woman’s name instead of mine (as in he went to say her name and then corrected himself… “em…Zara” ), he has said I have a small mouth (?), he’s had blonde hairs on his top on the chest quite a few times now (he says this is from gym equipment), his boxers smelt like fake tan… he’s been spending more and more time with a woman at work and has said said she’s single but is actually married (to another colleague).
In all this, DSDs mum is constantly on the phone to him. I know this is needed as they coparent, but I can’t help but feel it compounds my feelings of insecurity. I’m not suggesting that is a problem at all, just the context in which these thoughts are happening.
Aibu