To feel so much resentment towards my mother

[Hereinmyarms]

There’s a lot of backstory but will be brief. I am now 53 and can no longer hide or pretend to not feel true resentment and bitterness towards my mother.

She married my stepfather in the early 90’s. He had 2 kids and was widowed. And since then - so for over 30 years- she’s put his family before her own in absolutely every way. It’s so beyond farcical now.

She hasn’t spent a single Xmas with me & my kids (her actually grandkids) more than once since my kids were born. The eldest is now 18. We ask every year but it’s a rotation between her step kids and step grandchildren.

She doesn’t actually see us often- and when we do all she talks about is the other families. It makes me feel shit and now by default my kids have noticed. We tried for years to visit to keep the relationship there but now I feel like I can’t be arsed.

I barely have a relationship with her anymore- my sister does a bit more but not much. My mother has no real relationship with either of her own kids or grandkids.

I kind of excused it for years- I think in a slightly people pleasing way but menopause has just made me angry. I don’t understand how anyone could choose someone else’s family over their own.

And not just once- with her daughters- but twice with her grandchildren too.

I feel like my anger and resentment has exploded - more for my kids I guess. They have deserved so much better and now one is an adult- which marked a real moment for me too.

Aibu? I feel like something has shifted for me in mid life - am trying to process my relationships and reflecting back on my life.

I tried to end the cycle with my kids and I have done that- we are close, they know that I will always have their back and that’s something I don’t think I have ever had from my mother. Ever! She just put a man and his family before her own kids.

Am interested if anyone has experienced something like this- and how they dealt with it. I have had some therapy and am about to have some more!

I felt like that about my dad. He re-married very quickly after my mum died and spent every Christmas with her children and grandchildren. My step-mother deliberately booked a holiday to deliberately coincide with the due date for my youngest son. They never celebrated my children's birthdays. They were invited to my daughter's first birthday but they preferred to celebrate her daughter's 24th birthday instead.

I completely switched off and hardly cried when he died.

This sounds very hurtful for you and your DC. The only thing I wonder is could your stepfather be coercively controlling her underneath it all to make her concentrate on his family?

I think there might be an element of that. But it’s gone beyond anything I can do to help in many ways as it’s been so long- she has done nothing to indicate that she needs help

Yes same here . You need to let it go though - else you will end up very bitter .

good to hear you are having more therapy to help you get to that point .

Am so sorry- it’s so hurtful for the grandkids isn’t it too. I feel like you- I don’t feel anything apart from resentment anymore

Yes @Fidgety31 I think i have spent a lot of time and energy wishing it was different - in slight incredulity that she could do it- knowing how I feel about my children.

I hope you have found some peace too xx

Its hurtful. For your own peace stop trying and let go. No point upsetting yourself more.

YANBU.

Hopefully therapy will be helpful.

From a practical point of view: given your age, it seems possible that your mum may need help or care as she gets older, possibly in the fairly near future. It might be good to work out what your boundaries are, and how much contact you plan to have with her going forward, and start positioning yourself accordingly, in case she assumes that you will automatically step up. Otherwise you may just be bringing more resentment in your life, if you find yourself expected to be there for her when she hasn't been there for you.

This. Don't ruin years of your life for a woman who couldn't be arsed with you or your children.

Yea- have thought about this a lot.

Theres no fucking way I will be caring for her. The stepchildren can do that.

Not much to add but sounds rubbish, OP ❤️

It’s very frustrating when they favour the other family and it feels like you’ve been erased x

Just let it go. Concentrate on yourself and your own family. At least you won’t have to look after her if she needs care in old age.

My dad remarried and initially said they didnt want kids but had 2 more kids and is entirely focused on this family. He periodically laments how we've all lost touch but in 20 years has visited us precisely twice. He never phones and basically send me a text message at Christmas and Birthdays. He has never understood that you get out of relationships what you put in. He expects me to put in all the effort. I cannot be bothered !!

What’s your relationship like with your step siblings?

I suspect your step dad has encouraged her to be a very close mum to them as they lost theirs. Not condoning it of course, just thinking of an explanation. I’d do the same as you in your situation. My situation is different than yours but I’m the same as you by stopping the cycle. That’s what keeps me going when it gets me down. It’s all you can do and honestly as they get older your focus will obviously be less on your mum and more on them thankfully.

I'm so sorry OP, it's a lifetime of hurt, isn't it? Death by a thousand cuts 😢

The problem with anger and resentment is that the only person they hurt is you - it doesn't bother your mother because she doesn't care. So if you can find a way - through therapy, reading, whatever works, to reach a place of acceptance, then you can let go of the anger and resentment and she no longer has the power to hurt you.

You have broken the cycle and are a close and loving mother to your children - that is a huge achievement that you can be proud of. You have your wonderful children and she is the one missing out. She is a foolish and selfish woman and I expect she will reap what she's sown. There's no guarantee that the stepchildren will be stepping up to provide her with care!

It might help to write down you feelings in a letter to her - not to send but to get it all out on paper, like a release.

I hope you can find a way forward to peace for yourself 💐

Have you ever spoken to her about it? Told her how hurt you feel that she chooses them over you and her grandchildren.

I have tried multiple times. She’s a bit of a narcissist too so none of it seems to make any difference. And there is some coercive behaviour too by her husband I am sure. It’s all pretty awful to be honest.

Have you told her how you feel? I would.

If she were on here and we were asking her why in the last 18 Christmases she's been with her step kids or their kids but only once you, what would she say?

If you have told her that you're hurt and disappointed she doesn't prioritise you and the children over her husband's family and she doesn't accept it then you need to step back. Stop chasing the mother she will never be to you or the dream grandmother to your children.

Take back the reins, match her energy. Shrug off her lack of interest and effort. I did on another post that you need to downgrade her role of mother to accquaince. It's not good for your children to see you sad and watch her treat you so badly. You're already a better mother than your own mother because you care about your children. You're mother doesn't deserve you or your children.

My dad has done something very similar after my mum died, though he is still alive. He told me how important it is to spend Christmas with his “new family”, his new wife and her children, instead of his own children and grandchildren, and that was that. My poor mother would be devastated to see how heartless he has become towards us. I am so angry and sad about it but I know I will have to just switch off emotionally eventually.

Op, kindly, your only focus now should be on working to let her go. Stop inviting her to reject you. Move away from her and take the time to work through the emotions of that so you can let go of the anger and resentment as that will only bring you down.
so yanbu to be upset about how she’s acted, but yabu to allow her to continue to weigh down on you with the resentment you hold.