Struggling with how friend talks about ex in front of her DS

[DIYdiv]

My friend’s ex was always a selfish b*stard and thought childcare/housework/domesticity was her job. Now they’re divorced, he’s clearly loving his new life and seems to prioritise his social arrangements above seeing their DD (14). Frequently cancels seeing her, changes pickup/drop off times.

As the child of divorced parents, when she first split from him, my only advice to her was no matter how much you hate him and he lets DD down, really try not to bad mouth him in front of DD. My parents handled their split really well but I still remember the odd occasion when one of them would say something negative about the other and it would make me feel so, so horrible. I’d feel weirdly like I was keeping some sort of secret by knowing one parent had said something bad about the other and it would weigh on my chest. I’d find myself trying to talk up the other parent to the other one and this feeling of being “in the middle” continues into adulthood.

Anyway, she DOES badmouth him in front of DD- I saw her the other day and she was telling me about the latest saga - I was trying to whisper as I knew DD was in the other room but she didn’t lower her voice. She was telling me how she’s told DD her dad is a liar.

I know it must be so hard when you’re the parent doing everything to make sure your child is ok (she’s a great mum) and why the hell should she have to hold in what she thinks when her ex is such a shit dad but I do worry for her DD.

I know I’m going to be told it’s none of my business. I’d just like to hear how other divorced parents handle this - did you cover up your exes failings as much as you could for the sake of your kids or were you honest and would just tell them things like “Sorry, your dad has let you down again”?

All you can do is not engage with those conversations if she has them with you when the daughter is in earshot .

Sayign that - at 14 she is plenty old
enough to have figured out for herself that her dad is shit . It’s not like she’s a little kid hearing these conversations.

You can tell her what you’ve written here about how it made you feel without explicitly criticising her.

I was admittedly a bit older when my parents split up, but I really wish my Mum and others had been a bit more honest about my Dad when they split.

The man was a dickhead, I knew he was a dickhead, everyone else knew he was a dickhead, but for some reason noone would agree with me he was a dickhead until years later. I felt like I was being utterly gaslit.

So I think there's a middle ground to be had there.

I disagree. Why let the teen think her dad's behaviour is acceptable or wonder if there is something wrong with her that makes him not want to see her. 14 is old enough to be given the truth and it's the right thing to do.

You are right. It is none of your business. Not everyone is the same as you. Personally, I think it is more cruel to let a child think their other parent is crap/unreliable for no reason, as children tend to internalise things and might end up thinking it's somehow their own fault. It's better to be clear with the child that it isn't their own fault their other parent is shit.

interesting comments, thank you.

Yes, I suppose she is old enough to know her dad is shit. But I just think it’s horrible to hear your mum slating him. And yes, I absolutely don’t want her to hear me being part of that conversation - from your mum is one thing, hearing your mum and her friend slating him together is horrid.

I get what you say about there being a middle ground too, @VimesandhisCardboardBoots - that does make sense.

@JLou08 and @EppingIsFun yep, all fair comments and I don’t disagree.

I just wonder how difficult it is to get picked up by your dad, knowing 5 minutes ago your mum was ranting about what an arse he is and having to paint on a smile and keep that to yourself.

Well she chose him to be her child's parent so I dont take her judgement to be healthy, no i don't think ot is right to do that to a child and i would be telling her maybe make better choices

I think that’s a little harsh @PollyBell - his shit behaviour only really became evident when they had their child.

I do think its okay to say 'thats not true' if your child says something like 'daddy says you stole all his money' but it sounds like what your friend is doing is very emotion driven which isnt great. Could you, at a time where its not immediately happening, say 'can we talk, I just wanted to make sure you are okay, I know how much you love Sally and wouldnt want to upset her, but the other day I was really worried she could overhear you talking about her dad, are you saying things to her about her dad quite a lot?' And open the conversation up from there?

Sounds like a you problem. People don't have to live their lives based on your experiences or trauma.

Narrating latest saga, as in this happened, then this, I said, he said, afterwards he and then...
If it was factual, even from just her point of view is not just ok, it is important. The girl is 14. She needs to start understanding real world, good, bad.
Mother wasn't just saying 'He is a twat. Very stupid, doesn't even know about heliocentricity, seems to think sun shines out of his butt.'
She was commenting about actual behaviour.
That's fine at that age.

Covering up someone's bad behaviour is not good.

I think you underestimate what 10+ girls understand about men in the home.
Unless she has severe learning disabilities her child will know exactly what type of man her father is and how he manipulates situations, this will just be one in a long line of things she is going through with her mum because of him.

Kids respect adults who tell the truth. As her primary carer that is what she needs from her mum, in an age appropriate way, if it affects her. If he is doing things to hurt the primary carer, of course this affects the child. It isn't rocket science. Most women in this situation have given up hiding the men's secrets because the men themselves are not subtle about being arseholes.

Her daughter now knows that if she behaves wrong, people will discuss it behind her back. Real life.
It's important and your duty to other people to let them know about others shity behaviour, and good behaviour if warranted.
It could help lots of women and men to avoid relationships with wrong people, for one thing.

Yes, I agree it’s fine to point out untruths - but the other night was a rant about him, saying he’s a liar and a twat.

@Thundertoast it’s really hard to bring these things up with her - she wouldn’t take it well. And I think that comes from a place of worry and fear about how all this affects DD.