Should I make my son change schools?

[Jopo12]

My DS, 13, in y9 at a private school, is miserable. He has autism and is extremely demand avoidant and I think struggles with the demands of school.

He has excellent support form the SEN team, but ultimately, it's quite an academic school and expectations are high.

He has a circle of good friends there, and we live very close to school so sometimes the boys pile into his room on a weekend for chilling and playing on the PC.

But his misery about school makes him just awful to be around, he can't hold a conversation with us at home, won't eat with us, hates conversations with anyone, and he has no hobbies or interests outside of gaming.

I think he might be happier if he changed schools. There is another private school locally with a different less demanding approach to education. We didn't consider it for y7 as on paper it didn't look great. However, after recent GCSE and ISI reports, it has become much more appealing and I think the teaching style could suit him better,

However, he would have to make a brand new circle of friends - and if we move him for y10 he'd have to do this alongside his GCSEs. Or we move him mid-term which could be awkward for everyone. And of course he'd have to be accepted into the new school too, and they might not want him.

Alternative there is a 14+ Academy in the city, where students do their GCSEs over 4 days and on the 5th day choose a vocational subject to study. Again, there are fewer demands on the teens, but it's less academic and he might not be challenged there. On the other hand it is a state school so we'd save a heck of a lot of money!

I'd love to hear from other parents of demand avoidant kids who have found a school environment that works.

Thanks

He doesn’t eat with you? How long has this been going on
I don’t know much about demand avoidance but the huge amount of screen time sounds like it is further isolating him from you
he is social with his friends
what does the school say? Is he likely to do well academically - good SEN support is hard to find in schools

Accurate diagnosis is essential, but so is avoiding unnecessary labelling. Every child deserves a thorough, individual assessment that recognises their unique needs, ensuring those who genuinely require support receive it without stigma or delay.

I don't understand your point. Can you explain please?

What does he think about moving? When you looked round the other 2 options, what did he think? Does he have any idea what he would like to do for a job? Just wondering whether the vocational academy would fit with this?

We are a bit earlier in school journey (year6) but DD was very clear which school she wanted. It isn't the one with the best results but it is clearly the one which suits her best - there is no best school, only the best one for your child

If it is local and he has friends, I probably would not at this stage. Because if he doesn’t settle, it could get a lot worse. I would speak to the existing school about less demands/pressure on him. They might think doing lots of pastoral is enough. It may just be completely exhausting for him the whole high expectations thing.

We're haven't looked around the others, he's adamant he doesn't want to leave his friends. I'm not going to have the battle without a little more thought first, and coming up with a way to convince him to have a look.

He had no idea what he might want to do for a job. His only interest is animals, pets. I don't think he will work hard enough to get the grades to become a vet.

There's only so much they can do to reduce pressure. He's already dropped Spanish and now he spends those periods in the Sen department getting help with homework.

Sadly his friends aren't local and I doubt they would stay in touch if he left.

How is this helpful?

if he has good friendships, is he actually genuinely unhappy at school or is he just being incredibly teenage about everything ? What do his teachers say about his engagement and participation and mood in school?

Do you think he will be any less of a misery to be around at a new school with a possibly better teaching style but no friends? It’s already so much harder for autistic/SEN kids to make friends - how is he realistically going to cope socially being dropped into a new school mid-term where everyone already has established friendships?

What about a montessori style school? A friends child attends one and is so much happier. They had started refusing to go to their other school. They also made new friends. They started mid way through Y9.

My son is 19 now and sounds similar to yours at that age.

Have you asked school how he is presenting? If he is "coping" at school and has friends etc he is probably masking at school and has zero energy for masking at home.

My son was the same. School would say he was "fine". When he was not at school in the holidays, he was delightful and I used to dread the end of the summer holidays as September meant reverting into a grumpy bedroom boy.

He also used to complain extensively about how difficult he had found school.

As he has got older and more aware, he has explained to me that he can hold it together at school and that is literally all he can do. Changing schools would not make any difference (I can confirm in our case this was true!). He did best in a small private school where they were very invested in his happiness as they needed bums on seats.

I don't know if this helps, but my experience is that the challenges follow the child, changing to another similar environment is unlikely to make much difference.

For us things did get better when he aged out of education!

At 13, I’d be asking him what he wants to do? It does sound like he has a nice friendship group and that’s important.
re the eating - I’d be saying here’s tea and we all sit at the table and eat it.
I don’t however, allow ANY food in bedrooms only water in a water bottle. But this needs nipping in the bud I’d say.

When a child has ASD and PDA, eating separately commonly occurs due to a number of possible reasons including sensory differences, misophonia, decompressing from the school day etc.

I think, unfortunately, a demand avoidant teen is not going to enjoy school. By its very nature, school is full of demands and even NT teenagers don't love being dictated to by adults.

He has friends where he is. That's already a big success. Lots of demand plus happy socially is, imo, likely to better than a little less demand and being the new boy age 14/15.

Plus he doesn't want to move. If you push that against his will he will surely feel things are out of his control and start in a very negative frame of mind, ready to fight any demand from anyone.

1 how long has he been feeling like this?
2 are school fully aware?
3 is the pressure he feels real, or perceived? I am ask because if it’s his own perception then he will take that with him
4 have you asked for counselling support to help him process these demands?
5 what other interventions have happened regarding how he presents after school?

Feel free to dm me. I work in this area.

I wouldn't. I don't think you should underestimate the value of friends. And the fact he says he doesn't want to move means it is almost destined to fail. I'm also not sure the behaviours you describe are a direct result of his dislike of school. Lots of teens have some of these behaviours at times.

I would speak to school about what further support he could have. Maybe he could drop another GCSE?

I think it could be hard in that most of the other kids in that type of environment will be achieving greatly and not just academically and so, it could be difficult both for the child and the parent if they end up comparing too much with others. However, what is most important is that you compare to what is the height of achievement for him at this age. And I think a teen who is autistic with PDA going to school every day and doing lots of GCSEs is fantastic! There are so many kids in this bracket who don’t leave their rooms at all anymore.
But if he makes it to uni stage and A levels etc, he has a lot of extenuating circumstances due to his needs that the unis will take into account. So you just need to celebrate his achievements within the context of his personal challenges. And having friends and going there every day is a big achievement for a child with that profile.

There is no Montessori school within a reasonable driving distance

That really helps my perspective thank you.

I don't think I've really appreciated yet what PDA in a teenage boy looks like and so I do feel disappointed that he isn't reaching his academic potential. But I need to get my head around the fact that his potential is limited by his autism and PDA.

He's so like me at that age, but the struggle at school is worse than what I went through. And while I shut myself off from family to a certain degree I did interact a little more than he does..but I would eat in my room and watch a tiny CRT telly until 3am and this was decades before phones and internet!

1. he has always hated school, but he went to an amazing primary school and went through the door every day with a smile on his face. But he was adamant every day for 7 years that he hated school.

2. they say they are. But ultimately there has to be school and learning and that's what they are trying to provide.

3. it's the pressure of having to confirm and do what someone else says day in day out. To him it's real, but other kids don't feel as pressured. The pressure from us is to do more than the bare minimum and get most of his homework handed in on time and at a reasonable level of quality. We're not looking for specific grades or results, but just for him to follow the learning process. He can't do this unfortunately

4. I've offered him counselling he has refused. I think he's feeling that everything he does is just not good enough and telling him he needs counselling will only make home feel worse.

5. no interventions about his after school habits. I wish he had friends he could start a new hobby with but they already do their own things after school, and no one has time to explore anything new with him

This is all really helpful, thanks everyone.

I am considering requesting an EHCP for him, but I don't want the school to turn around and say they can't fulfil his needs as specified on the form, then we will be forced to change school and I don't want that to happen

Taking the pressure off your expectation as much as possible does help. For context I have a AuDHD teen who had a breakdown aged 12-13, at that point unable to access any MS education. After reducing as many demands as possible, and leaving school completely we have rebuilt slowly and they are now on track for GCSEs again but taking them outside a school environment because they want to not because we are making them. They feel more in control & are actively looking at college as a viable next step motivated for themselves again. There are multiple ways through education. If capable only maths & English gcse are needed to access college, or 5-6 GCSEs for L3 qualifications. You can slow the journey through education but you can’t learn if the mind is in constant fight or flight stress due to the environment. Don’t wait until he breaks.