Does anyone else have friends who never arrange meetups first?

[PeppyAmberWasp]

We all worked together for a year from around Feb 2024-Feb 2025. I know people will say they're just ex colleagues not friends, but i consider them friends, we've talked and met up regularly outside of work.

The last time I saw them was 4 months ago, 2 of them occasionally message me first. When we were working together one of them invited me to a group outing, but I've realised it's always me who initiates any sort of meetup.
We all live within 10 miles of each other and all have evenings/weekends off. 2 of them have older kids but I'm just getting a bit hurt by it really.

If i message suggesting a coffee or meal we do all meet up but if i don't suggest and plan, nothing happens. As I say I haven't seen them for 4 months, I decided to stop bothering as it upsets me a little, i know some people are more passive but all 3? Why is it only up to me? I've stopped arranging, it's sad as I don't have tons of close friends to begin with. Does anyone else have this?

Yes.
In 2026 I dropped them all.

I don’t often instigate but that’s because I’m not confident that people want to see me.

I understand... with these people surely they must know i want to see them as I've instigated multiple times, I don't get it.

I got tired of instigating all the time. Now only matching energy. if people want to see me, they will. Everything else- too busy, too shy, too insecure- is an excuse.

In your situation I would only keep this up if you really enjoy the meetings. They must have got you down as a fun occasional mate. If you only have your old workplace in common has it become a bit repetitive in terms of conversation?

However both my mum and oldest friend are genuinely almost incapable of initiating any kind of outing or activity. It’s some sort of insecurity I guess. Mom is lonely and would love to go out more but won’t even ask an old friend if they’d like to go for a coffee. I’ve given up suggesting it, she just can’t.

You are right. I feel a bit desperate, the thing is they keep agreeing to meet so I don't get it?

Yes. I simply stopped inviting them unless I know already that they have social anxiety or something like autism. (A few of my friends do and find it hard and that's fine by me as they were honest about it and Im happy to make the effort as I enjoy their company.)

We discuss work but I felt we had some other things in common like travel and music, but maybe I'm wrong. I feel like conversation flows between the 4 of us.

I do enjoy them but I just feel hurt each time, I don't understand why they can't even suggest a coffee, just once.

Make new friends. Honestly.

Join a weekly hobby group so you don't have to be organising meetups.

I'm an organiser, it gets to me a bit but always have a lovely time with them. I honestly don't get all the posters saying just drop them, if you enjoy their company and they're happy to meet then just accept you're the instigator. Some people are just a bit useless at organising!

It's learned helplessness. I guess I have had enough. I wouldn't put up with a partner who expected me to organise everything either. DH and I share the organising of our social life and holidays.

Yes I'm tired of it. I think this person has a fault because I know they do it with others too. I have never known them to organise anything.
They are a passenger they never ever arrange anything

Everyone else does it all while they sit back.
It's a cheeky really and shows something about their character/personality. Lacking something.

Bit useless cop out
Have they ever tried?

I don't get how difficult it is to send a text asking people to meet for a coffee, they aren't 'useless' at going to work or other important things I bet!

That's often how I feel too.

I’ve offloaded people like this. If they can’t be bothered to put in the effort of arranging a meet up, then I can’t be bothered always doing it.

I've also offloaded those friends.

One of my friends does all the initiating, but we let them as they have a busier schedule than the rest of us. Perhaps they think you have less availability then they do?

It’s the fact that they won’t bother making any effort to see you unless you organise it. That’s how much they care about your friendship. Once I realised this I stopped contacting some people to arrange meet ups.

I've got lots of friendship groups, I organise quite a lot of them. I think then people just see you as the organiser. I'm happy with that

Agree - or see other people! That's even worse!

With friends, and especially new friends like these, if they wanted to see you then they would. It sounds like this is very one-sided so I’d probably just let these ones drift.

I understand how you feel and years ago I stopped texting people because I realised it felt more one-sided. But I think text conversations and meeting up are very different things.

Like it or not, we develop roles and your role now is the one who organises these meet ups. If they all agree, you have a good time and the conversation flows then this is all a positive thing. Maybe they’re waiting and hoping you’re going to get in touch with another date.

A lot of people don’t want to step on other people’s toes and it’s easy to think “Jane hasn’t mentioned meeting up for a while so she must be busy at the minute - she’ll get in touch when she’s free”.

Theres also generally one person who acts as the “glue” in these colleague/workmate friendships and it sounds like that’s you too. You can choose to see it as an honour or an insult, but personally I think it’s a compliment.

Were you older, more senior or more experienced than the others when at work? They may naturally be deferring to you as the “leader”.

2 of us are in our 30s, one in 40s and one in 50s, we all held the exact same role within the organisation, I'm just going to stop reaching out I think it's for the best.