Dh has no sex drive

[danniT2]

Tale as old as time on here really, mismatched sex drive. Dh is 10 years older than me and has used viagra for ED in all the time we’ve been together. Sex has often been sporadic but got to a place where it was 1-2 times a month which I was ok with. Due to kids and him taking viagra sex has always had to be pre planned - not very romantic or spontaneous but when it happened it was good.

Last weekend was one of our pre planned times - eldest was out and youngest in bed. It got to the evening and dh basically said he didn’t feel like it and i just felt really disappointed and sad. Ruined my mood for the whole night really. Since then he has admitted he just has no sex drive whatsoever at the moment. He is having a stressful time at work and i get that this can happen but equally i am frustrated and feeling rejected.

He is a very good dh and father. I couldn’t tear our family apart over this one issue. But i do feel like sex has always been on his terms when he fancies it and deems it a good time. I don’t want him to start seeing sex as an obligation or do it when he doesn’t really want to but i also feel if i don’t tell him how i feel this situation could plod on for ages. When i was pregnant i had some health issues which meant we didn’t sleep together for over 7 months and he just didn’t seem to care.

I know people will say ‘buy a vibrator’ (i have one) or “have an open relationship” (no thank you) but that it isn’t what i want. I just want a healthy sex life with the man i love. I feel so much happier, lighter and connected after sex whereas at times like this it’s like there’s a wedge between us and my mood feels rotten even though i try not to show it.

Does anyone have any advice on how i could gently approach this with him or help ignite his drive again?

It could be a serious case of the Coolidge effect or possibly his hormones have tanked.

Ask if he’s waking up with erections.

If he's always had a low sex drive and needed Viagra there's probably not much he can do. Has he asked the GP if they will check his testosterone? Unfortunately though men can have totally normal testosterone and still lose their drive.

I just don’t know what the answer is. I know he possibly can’t help it and I don’t want to force him but I also dont want to keep feeling like this. I couldn’t end the marriage over this but I could totally see it eating away at me over time.

This is a delicate situation to navigate, and progress usually happens in small, honest conversations rather than one big fix.
How do you think he would react if you approached this strictly from the angle of wanting to reconnect emotionally, taking the focus entirely off the physical act for a brief moment?
Since he seemed largely unbothered during your pregnancy, his baseline libido is naturally lower than yours, or he compartmentalizes stress differently. Gently letting him know why sex matters to you—that it’s your primary way of feeling emotionally tethered to him—can help him understand that this isn’t just about physical release, but about your relationship's emotional health.

Thank you this is helpful. I guess i just want to feel desired and although he is tactile and complimentary in general, i can’t help but feel undesirable. My sex drive isn’t ridiculously high - i was happy (ish) with a few times a month. But at the moment it feels like it’s basically been taken off the table and i’m not such how to approach it without being a pest.

bumping

Honestly if he has no sex drive then it sounds like he’s already trying pretty hard… having sex when you don’t want to does not feel good in the soul. Who says a healthy sex life means how much you want it and not him?

Id ask him to vocalise compliments and loving statements more. So you can hear when he admires you and loves you even without sex.

Can you take the penetration off the agenda and do other things? Would he be ok with other things besides penetration? At least you’d feel a lot better and he might eventually slowly get back in to it.

Hi OP. I am in the same situation and know how you feel. DH and I have been married 10 years and it’s always been like this. Talking about it just makes the situation worse tbh. I don’t really know what the answer is. I’ve thought about focussing on myself and fitness and just appearing uninterested myself as I think you tend to want what you can’t have. But I know that’s just game playing.

I’ve considered this too. Just appear utterly disinterested, but like you say why should we have to play silly games with our own husbands? I just feel very resentful. It’s not something i can split my family up over but im supposed to live a life with no passion? Im only in my 40s.

I am just posting again to resurrect this thread and also ask for opinions. At the weekend eldest will not be around and it should give us some time to chat in private. Usually when eldest is away we’d use the opportunity to schedule sex but nothing has been said about it. I am not going to bring it up. But if he doesn’t either i do feel like i need to speak to him about my feelings because im getting very resentful and frustrated not just at the lack of sex but lack of communication. I don’t want it to be a row, i don’t want to accuse him or shame him or anything else. But i also can’t just keep quiet about something i feel upset by.

Same here. Apart from this issue my DH is a great husband so I can’t split up family over this. I just feel so unattractive. I’m in my 40s too but it’s been like this for 10 years and gradually got worse over the years. All discussions we have had have resulted in short term improvement and then it just reverts back to normal so I’ve stopped discussing with him. It just adds more pressure anyway and I want him to pursue me. Problem is now that I wait and wait and then eventually I end up making small comments about how he doesn’t find me attractive, doesn’t look at me etc etc. I just can’t seem to refrain from that long term. Having more of my own life would help but difficult when you have a young kid. Do you have kids OP? How old are they? And do you have much of a social life?

My husband could write this about me.
I don't care for or about sex. It's nice when we have it, I'm not having a horrible time, but it's just not on my radar as a priority.
It's not my husband. It would be the same with anyone.
Some people just have low sex drives.
Is it just sex you're after or the other kinds of intimacy that he might be avoiding because he feels like they come with the expectations of sex?

Maybe, while he's in the current high stress situation, you can work together on compromise for other kinds of intimacy.

We do have young ish dc plus a teen from previous marriage. I wouldn’t split up the marriage either but my god i am so fed up. I don’t have much time for a social life, see friends occasionally but everyone is busy with work and kids. I try to get the gym or a class when i can but it isn’t regular. I really want to appear ambivalent and unbothered but it is grinding me down inside. I know it’s not his fault but i really feel short changed at having to accept that this is my life and it’s all on his terms. How is he ok with that? This is what i want to ask but not in a way that makes him feel inferior or attacked.

A few details you didn’t include:
How old is he?
Has he been checked medically if there is an underlying health issue?
Does he have any baggage from this in previous relationships to make discussing it harder?
When you have discussed it how did that go?

Don’t try and be ambivalent as it will annoy you and it won’t help him know how you are feeling.
Relationships always tend towards the person who wants it less.
Perhaps don’t address it as a “big conversation” try expecting it to be broken up a bit, pouring your heart out and expecting him to know how to respond. Try expecting it to be a number of smaller conversations when you each have time to think. Perhaps start by raising the issue with him saying “I don’t want you to respond to me right now but have a think and we can discuss it later” then set out how this is making you feel and how you don’t want to pressure etc. Even try writing out all the things you want him to know first so you can get it out in a way you are happy with.
He may want to discuss then, or he may need to think and discuss at a later point but take the pressure off the conversation.
Let him know you understand work stress can be an issue and him having a lot on, you aren’t looking for an immediate fix but over the long term you want things to improve even if some times things will be different.

Sorry i will try to give more details. He is 52, i am 41. No underlying health issues, been checked and testosterone is fine. He has always been secretive and uncomfortable when talking about sex - kept his viagra a secret and has also watched porn secretly too which really upsets me when we aren’t having sex but it says it’s so try and get the interest back.

When talking about it before he just seems awkward and closed off like he’d rather talk about anything else. When we do have sex it is the same routine each time and almost feels like a chore to tick off the list even though we both do enjoy it. But it isn’t spontaneous or experimental. It is hard to fit it in especially with his ED issues and the kids but i just wish once in a while he would initiate something without me expecting or planning for it. There’s just no obvious desire.