Dh has no sex drive

[danniT2]

Tale as old as time on here really, mismatched sex drive. Dh is 10 years older than me and has used viagra for ED in all the time we’ve been together. Sex has often been sporadic but got to a place where it was 1-2 times a month which I was ok with. Due to kids and him taking viagra sex has always had to be pre planned - not very romantic or spontaneous but when it happened it was good.

Last weekend was one of our pre planned times - eldest was out and youngest in bed. It got to the evening and dh basically said he didn’t feel like it and i just felt really disappointed and sad. Ruined my mood for the whole night really. Since then he has admitted he just has no sex drive whatsoever at the moment. He is having a stressful time at work and i get that this can happen but equally i am frustrated and feeling rejected.

He is a very good dh and father. I couldn’t tear our family apart over this one issue. But i do feel like sex has always been on his terms when he fancies it and deems it a good time. I don’t want him to start seeing sex as an obligation or do it when he doesn’t really want to but i also feel if i don’t tell him how i feel this situation could plod on for ages. When i was pregnant i had some health issues which meant we didn’t sleep together for over 7 months and he just didn’t seem to care.

I know people will say ‘buy a vibrator’ (i have one) or “have an open relationship” (no thank you) but that it isn’t what i want. I just want a healthy sex life with the man i love. I feel so much happier, lighter and connected after sex whereas at times like this it’s like there’s a wedge between us and my mood feels rotten even though i try not to show it.

Does anyone have any advice on how i could gently approach this with him or help ignite his drive again?

It could be a serious case of the Coolidge effect or possibly his hormones have tanked.

Ask if he’s waking up with erections.

If he's always had a low sex drive and needed Viagra there's probably not much he can do. Has he asked the GP if they will check his testosterone? Unfortunately though men can have totally normal testosterone and still lose their drive.

I just don’t know what the answer is. I know he possibly can’t help it and I don’t want to force him but I also dont want to keep feeling like this. I couldn’t end the marriage over this but I could totally see it eating away at me over time.

This is a delicate situation to navigate, and progress usually happens in small, honest conversations rather than one big fix.
How do you think he would react if you approached this strictly from the angle of wanting to reconnect emotionally, taking the focus entirely off the physical act for a brief moment?
Since he seemed largely unbothered during your pregnancy, his baseline libido is naturally lower than yours, or he compartmentalizes stress differently. Gently letting him know why sex matters to you—that it’s your primary way of feeling emotionally tethered to him—can help him understand that this isn’t just about physical release, but about your relationship's emotional health.

Thank you this is helpful. I guess i just want to feel desired and although he is tactile and complimentary in general, i can’t help but feel undesirable. My sex drive isn’t ridiculously high - i was happy (ish) with a few times a month. But at the moment it feels like it’s basically been taken off the table and i’m not such how to approach it without being a pest.

bumping

Honestly if he has no sex drive then it sounds like he’s already trying pretty hard… having sex when you don’t want to does not feel good in the soul. Who says a healthy sex life means how much you want it and not him?

Id ask him to vocalise compliments and loving statements more. So you can hear when he admires you and loves you even without sex.

Can you take the penetration off the agenda and do other things? Would he be ok with other things besides penetration? At least you’d feel a lot better and he might eventually slowly get back in to it.

Hi OP. I am in the same situation and know how you feel. DH and I have been married 10 years and it’s always been like this. Talking about it just makes the situation worse tbh. I don’t really know what the answer is. I’ve thought about focussing on myself and fitness and just appearing uninterested myself as I think you tend to want what you can’t have. But I know that’s just game playing.

I’ve considered this too. Just appear utterly disinterested, but like you say why should we have to play silly games with our own husbands? I just feel very resentful. It’s not something i can split my family up over but im supposed to live a life with no passion? Im only in my 40s.