Dead marriage with invisible husband - hold hand please

[getoutofmyhead]

I’m posting here because I am in absolute pieces tonight and just need some kind words. My heart physically aches. I am trapped in a flat with my husband and a young kid. For years, I have been carrying the entire mental load of this household. My husband consistently forgets everything, does half-jobs, and acts completely invisible, unless it comes to our kid, whom he is admittedly great with. For anyone around us, he is always been the perfect husband, “he is so caring, he would do anything for you”. Anything but I have to ask, and follow up 20 times at best.
I have reached my absolute breaking point. The constant friction has turned me into a person filled with explosive rage, which I hate. I feel so peaceful when he isn’t around, but the thought of splitting up and not seeing my kid all the time feels completely. I am the main earner and have my finance all lined up. I just feel so worthless. I keep asking myself why he didn’t love me enough to change, support, and value me. I am exhausted, isolated, I don't have many friends if at all, and I just want my life back. Please tell me it gets better, because tonight the silence and the pain feel too heavy to carry. Please hand hold!

I know you probably don't want to hear it but you need to get out of this relationship. I had exactly the same apart from he also wasn't even good with the kids 🤣. Life is happier on the other side.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sounds like you’re at breaking point. Is there a way to gently broach the subject when you’re less upset? Feeling trapped must feel very suffocating. Hand hold x

I do need to hear this so much. I’m absolutely frightened about what’s on the other sided the process and protecting our kid. I’m absolutely destroyed and of course he is fine because he is the king of silence in the first place.

when did you leave? How did you survive?

why he didn’t love me enough to change, support, and value me

So he didn't do these things before and yet you married him? Or is this a change in his behaviour and he used to do those things?

What @ThisPoisedGoldGuide said .
I was in same situation and he was disinterested with the kids too, most of the time.
He’s using you to facilitate an easy life for himself and the only way to sort this is to leave.My kids were older when I finally divorced him so it was a bit easier but I still had to buy him out. Life will definitely be better without him even it means some financial hardship initially.
He’s not going to change because it would mean he’d have to make effort and at the moment he doesn't have to.
Imagine enjoying that peaceful feeling when he’s out of your life !
Do you have family nearby who could help with childcare and give you real life support ?

Men don’t change.
if you want your life to be different then you have to change it yourself .

I confronted him after a particularly miserable day and he said he didn't love me any more. We did therapy for 4 months and he just embarrassed himself in every session, coming out with a load of absolute rubbish but it was very useful for making me think...f**k this. He kept saying he wanted to work things out then doibg absokutely nothing about it, which really made me see that he didn't care. I took 30mins free legal advice, made a plan for the child arrangements and just told him I was done. I'm lucky in that he is so passive and lazy he has just gone along with it all, he moved in with his parents. We are in the final stages of divorce now and I'm in the process of buying him out (lucky that we've been in the same house a long time so had decent equity and also that we live in a cheaper part of the country). I work part time (teacher) and was surprised to find I was entitled to UC, as well as maintenance for him. Luckily he has had absolutely zero interest in having the kids 50/50.

Start getting your ducks in a row and when the time is right you will just do it. It's still hard financially and I am lonely sometimes, but nowhere near as lonely as when I lived with him sighing and moping around all the time knowing how much he hated and resented me and our life. Funnily enough, it doesn't seem like he is enjoying his new life in his mum's spare room that much, so maybe it wasn't me that was the problem after all....🙃

Listen to the Not as We Planned podcast from the beginning, that helped me a lot. Honestly, however hard it is after, its still no worse than where you are now.

It won’t get better. It will get worse. Or you’ll be so worn down by it you’ll stop caring.

Your the main earner, you carry all the mental load, your husband is basically invisible. What exactly would you lose by splitting? Apart from the explosive anger

You may see your child less, but the time you have together will be so much more peaceful, you will be happier without the draining weight of resentment