To give up on being ambitious?

[Wherehaveallthesatsumasgone]

I’m so fed up of feeling like I’m clinging on by my fingertips in life and getting nowhere. I career changed at 35 (8yrs ago) to one I love and am better at than anything I’ve done before. I’ve had lots of great feedback. Most people in this job start in their early 20s (or earlier), and you rarely come across women doing it if they have even one child because the hours are rubbish, and I’ve got where I am having started much later and with two kids. (A lot of this is because my DH is massively supportive and there’s a good share of parenting and household stuff, and we have childcare help nearby too.) Technically I work part time but in reality it adds up to near enough full time, spread over the year, and because I’m largely freelance there’s a lot of switching between multiple jobs over the course of a week which requires a lot from my (diagnosed) ADHD brain.

I’m getting increasingly fed up with living my life barely getting things done. The house is a tip, which I hate - I can’t even get a cleaner until we get on top of the mess. I’m always doing things at the last minute and getting places by the skin of my teeth. I see all the younger people in my industry, or the ones a similar age without kids, doing lots of amazing things with high-profile companies and getting their names out there via social media, which I don’t have time to do (I’m trying!). I know I’m at least as good as them - better in many cases, or so I’ve been told - but I don’t have the time or brain space to promote myself. It’s a really cliquey industry so if you don’t do that, it’s hard to get work. I’ve also stood up for myself with a couple of big companies when I’ve basically been screwed over, and despite having done it very politely, following all the proper channels, and been told I was right and had apologies, I now don’t get booked by them at all. I’ve done a big project every year for the past six years for another, always got excellent feedback, but this year they’ve just booked someone else without explaining why, so that’s been a massive dent in our income.

I’m so tired of everything. I’ve spent the past decade being really proud of myself for working my way up despite starting late, having kids so not able to accept a lot of the projects that involve working away, and not having the finances to go on the development courses that would help networking (we’re talking thousands of pounds here, not just a couple of hundred - or else they’re based in London and I’m three hundred miles away). The kids are 13 and 7 and I feel like I do pretty well at being there for them, but I’m permanently knackered, brain fog, feel a bit sick, the slightest thing exhausts me, and my moods are all over the place. I just don’t know whether to resign myself to working locally on low-profile stuff that will never pay brilliantly, because my ideal of doing fewer project-based things with high-profile companies that would take me away for short periods but mean I’m around a lot more overall doesn’t seem likely to happen, and I’m not sure I can be bothered keeping at it through the knock backs and the effort of getting into the clique. But I also don’t want to feel like I’ve failed.

Without trying to sound like an absolutely bitch here, it’s ok sometimes to say your career hasn’t gone as far as you’d have liked it to, and you’re not the one in control of that.

From what you’ve posted, it sounds like maybe you’ve maxed out the opportunities you could have had? Not sure what work you do, but if potential clients are queueing up to give you work, and if former clients are dropping you, maybe it’s not a question of “ambition” but more of something else such as capability, relationship management etc?
Clients don’t care how ambitious you are, they don’t stop using a freelancer because they feel they’re not ambitious enough.

I think we’re sold a lie that ambition will get us there, despite capability. Personally, I think it came from the X-Factor era with people crying “I just want this soooooo much, Simon” whereas the truth is that no everybody can be the best at everything, no matter who much they’d like to it.

^sorry, should say “if potential clients are NOT queueing up”.

You don’t sound like a bitch. To clarify - one company I think I’ve just dropped off their list because I was trying to just do shorter projects rather than small weekly ones (it was a lot of travel and ended up working out at about £9ph once I’d taken everything into account, and I’d done it for five years!). The other, I reported the person who did the booking, they were formally discliplined, I had an apology, but because the person was mad that I reported them they didn’t book me again. The third one, I think the way they’ve gone about it is poor, but I don’t want to say anything because I don’t want the same thing to happen again. So it’s put up and shut up.

I think you need to try to reframe what you are asking yourself. It's not necessarily a question of 'giving up on being ambitious'- this feels loaded and implies putting in less effort and settling for achieving less.
Instead I think you need to ask yourself what you really want to achieve, not just at work but in your life, what you want to prioritise and what you are willing to sacrifice. Part of this will be working out what aspects of your job and life you enjoy and what aspects you are enduring in order to get something you want.

It sounds like you are in an industry that strongly favours young men with no other demands on their money, time and energy. It's perfectly possible that you are, objectively, better at the actual job but don't have the time, energy and money to promote yourself as easily. In which case it's shit but that doesn't help you right now. I worked for years in a similar industry and knew a number of people (male and female) who appeared to have achieved great things but their mental health and personal relationships suffered.

I have turned down a couple of local work things, because I can’t fit it in (literally no hours left in the day), the pay is rubbish (doesn’t balance out childcare / time / travel costs) and it’s not the sort of thing that will lead to anything higher profile - and I know I have a good reputation, so I don’t think that’s it. We have no savings but can just about pay the bills - but I’d probably be a lot less stressed and ill if I could switch to the project-based stuff. And I feel awful for being out so much during the week and not being there for the kids’ stuff.

@whereismybikeAt the moment I’m okay with the kids meaning I can’t say yes to everything. I’m scared that I’ll be fed up once they’re older though, when I don’t need to say no to things but aren’t being offered them. It’s not necessarily men the industry favours (it was, but it’s changing), but definitely people who don’t have kids. If I’d established myself before having kids it would have been a lot easier.

I’m curious what industry it is.

I think the reality in lots of highly competitive sectors is that it’s sometimes a matter of “Be there for your children, live outside London, be successful: pick two.” And as you say, unless you were highly established before having children it’s hard or even impossible to overcome that. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

@Wherehaveallthesatsumasgone
I get you OP.
I too am ND and know what it means to be really really good at the actual job, but tend to navigate towards a “main focus” rather than be shifting attention. I also prioritised family over work while raising my children, to then dedicate more time to work later on.
How this difficulty, ie the split focus is creeping into the work side too because the difficulty I find in sorting social media, networking, putting myself out there, is such that I can’t get the work I’m excellent at doing.

Basically OP, in my case, this is my disability. I spent a long time frustrated with the fact that people who were “less able” in the actual job, were the ones able to actually get jobs available. I don’t begrudge them that, because they are working within the system, and it is what it is.

This isn’t a popular view, and many will disagree, but the “system” in my line of work is set up in a certain way, because it is designed to be the most effective and efficient for the “average person”.
Rather than feeling bad that I haven’t been able to fulfil my potential within a system designed for others, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will do what I can at what I am excellent at, but set limits for myself to maintain good mental health because this is more valuable in the long run for me and for my family.

Don't we work to have, and as part of, a good life?
You need some time to relax, be completely 'unproductive'. Even 20 mins a day helps. It changes how you think, helps you move away from 'emergency' thinking.

There's a lot going on here. I think it would help you to write your top three priorities in order and choose some overarching goals. For example:

• career
• kids
• house

Career no1 because its clear that its occupying your mind a lot. What do you want? Money? Recognition? Choose your work and make decisions with that in mind.

Kids second because they're older and in school and you feel like youre doing that well. If you want to be doing more on your career then accept that you're already at the limits with the kids, so shelve any extras and guilt and focus on quality over quantity. Maybe that's no phones around them or a Saturday morning breakfast ritual, so you know they will have a tangible memory of mum and childhood.

• house third, because you can't do everything. A basic clean is all you have time for, so shelve any extras like decluttering.

If you take that approach, you can consciously check in with yourself and think "OK, if I do extra on (3) decluttering the house, then something from (1) or (2) WILL move and my only control is making a choice about that now, or the choice will be made for me when i unravel.

Keep it simple. Reread your post and group your problems to boil them down.

Recognition and profile. No point wanting money in this industry 😂 I’d like enough that I don’t have to constantly stress about it though, and to be able to take the kids on nice holidays. The issue is that I can’t get the stuff that gets me the recognition without the extra work on promoting myself. If I do that, the house and kids get even more neglected. At the moment though I’m feeling too tired and ill all the time to do any of it really.

Its hard fo follow your posts means without knowing what your job is tbh as its sounds so evasive. Maybe it just me that cant follow it ?

It’d be really outing if I said! I think a similar style thing might be event management - if you think of the different projects being equivalent to managing low-key, more frequent local stuff vs something like the Brits or Glastonbury, maybe..?!

Contrary to others I think it would help you massively to get the house sorted once and for all. If my house s uncluttered and orderly it really helps me mentally. Once it is sorted with systems you can book that weekly clean which I have found a little life changing!

So I would allocate a week. Book a decluttering person to work with you and literally do a personal version of ‘sort your life out’. I appreciate it doesn’t help with the job but the home environment does have a massive impact on you mentally. It will also be affecting the family hugely - get them all involved. Big sort out and then kick on from there as one part of your life will be so much ‘clearer’!