DP called me pathetic and is sleeping on the sofa

[ByOchreFish]

I am 3 months postpartum and struggling with contamination OCD, I’m nowhere near as bad as I was after having DD (washing bedding every day etc) but I still struggle and I understand I’m probably difficult to live with.

Our house is messy, I’m not constantly cleaning or anything like that but my main fears are outside germs inside the house and I have some things I ask DP to do such as taking shoes off at the door, showering every evening, not lying on the bed in clothes that have been outside, once the kids are washed and in pyjamas not to touch them until he’s washed (probably the most unreasonable) and I feel he deliberately does these things every single day anyway then pretends he’s forgotten

I feel DP often does things to deliberately wind me up in regards to germs but it’s not a joke to me, I really struggle and I’m overwhelmed and in tears regularly about contamination fears and it takes over my life and I’m miserable. I understand he’s probably fed up with it but he doesn’t want me to go on medication that previously helped me because I’m breastfeeding.

I don’t feel he’s very understanding and he does things like blow his nose into the sink every day and leave it there, leave used tooth picks and cotton buds in the bathroom every single day, today I found dried bogies in the car where he’d picked his nose and wiped his finger, won’t clean the toilet with a brush when there’s poo in there.

Ive probably been hard to be around today as I’ve made a few comments about uncleanliness and germs but we were in bed and he deliberately put his finger up his nose and then wiped his finger on my pillow. I didn’t get annoyed and just put the pillow in the laundry basket. DP starts getting annoyed and tells me to take the pillow back, said I’m being pathetic and that I’m pathetic and it was a joke and if I don’t take the pillow back he’s going to sleep on the sofa. I said I’m not going to sleep on the pillow and he’s now gone to the sofa.

AIBU to be really hurt at being called pathetic? I’m really trying my best

Sorry that was much longer than planned, just wanted to give some context

He sounds truly unkind and juvenile.

You’re vulnerable so can’t see it but he’s an asshole. Sorry Op.

He’s grim. I’m not a clean freak but what he does is disgusting

He is revolting and unkind

You have a mental health condition and he's being a horrendous arsehole. Who does things to upset their partner on purpose? Horrible. You don't deserve this treatment.

He’s an arsehole, but not letting him touch his own kids if he hasn’t washed in the evening? I mean, I couldn’t take that level of control.

He was wrong to wipe his snot on your pillow but you are being extremely unreasonable with your behaviour. Have you spoken to your GP to request therapy?

TBH you are both being unreasonable. You need MH help because this germ phobia is out of control. He needs to grow up and to be more supportive.

He does sound like he’s antagonising you- but living with someone who has OCD is also incredibly hard . It controls the whole house .

Go to your local talking therapy service and ask for CBT to help you with four OCD. You will likely be fast tracked as you are a perinatal client . (New mum)

A joke is funny. What he does is not. It is designed to upset you and cause ypu distress.
Is there somewhere else you can go with the DC for a while to get away from him and think about your future?

1. His level of hygiene would drive anybody without OCD insane.
2. Discuss medication or talking therapy with your NHS GP. There are medications safe for breastfeeding and he doesn’t get to make a decision on your treatment.
3. Your mental health is important for the baby’s wellbeing

He's disgusting. I was sympathetic to him when you were describing your behaviour but no, he's truly revolting.

The way he behaves is digustjng by any measure. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking your objections to these gross acts are in any way a symptom of your post-partum issues. He sounds like a bully.

Did you read the OP? You’ve completely missed the point of what is wrong in this situation.

I wouldn’t accept this behaviour and disgustingness from a young child, never mind a grown man 🤮

I’m sorry you are struggling.

But you do need to get support for this. It must honestly be unbearable living in an environment where you are walking on eggshells all the time about household germs.

He needs to not mock you for it, that was unkind but he must feel so controlled and drained by this.

Seriously? Yes, some of OP's requests are a wee bit extreme but he's also absolutely grim.

OP, talk to your GP about getting good help for you, and also ditch him because he's a) being horrible to you and b) revolting. And I am by no means a clean freak.

For yourself OP I'd suggest a GP appointment to seek some therapy or meds that won't affect breastfeeding, because you are OCD. Removing shoes isn't unreasonable, and washing hands would be a good idea, but things like not touching the DC once in PJs is OTT and unreasonable, unless he has a particularly filthy job.

He on the other hand is vile. Maybe it is stressful living with someone with OCD, but juvenile behaviour such as blowing his nose out in the sink, wiping his snot on your pillow etc is plainly disgusting. He should be supporting you to seek help, not winding you up or denying you meds that could make you less stressed.

Catching and spreading germs is no joke when basic standards are not met. Does he wash his hands? He needs to understand that in dismissing your worries, he dismisses your need to feel comfortable in a clean and healthy environment. If he is just one of those people who doesn't get it because of how he was taught or not taught etc, it's still not ok to say "deal with it". It's extremely disrespectful and actually a bit hateful to be honest.
For me, it was a long slog getting to the point where we now mutually have found a kind of compromise. He never was very good at washing hands (which bothered me deeply and I couldn't relax - simply, London germs all over the house? And me? Couldn't hardly bear it). But several years later and after gradual subtle "meeting of the minds" he now always makes a point to wash them once he's in. And no outside/ all day long city worn clothes kept on after saying hello etc.
I admit it still bothers me that he doesn't wash his hands properly (it's just not long enough for it to be possible). But I feel a big part of it is simple respect and he definitely understands and tries his best, so we never argue or bicker about it anymore. But I have to accept that he will never "care" about cleanliness like I do, or really understand it. I just appreciate that he now adopts these habits.

That made me really angry reading that op, really angry and feel so sorry for you. I don't condone violence but I feel like I want to throw something at him or uppercut him , you most likely feel the same but it is important to keep calm as you have done nothing wrong.
I think you should divorce him

He is disgusting OP.
No wonder you are obsessive about cleanliness if that is the way he behaves.
He has absolutely no respect for you, his children or his home. And is obviously quite happy to make you doubt your own mental.health by behaving in a totalky gross way..

I think your germ worries are out of control. I can see why he doesn't want you to be taking medication if you are breast feeding.

I would suggest you get to grips with this issue, maybe see your GP and see if there is something you can take.

Once you have this under control - kick the dirty bugger out!

There's more than one thing going on here. Your husband has a gross and unacceptably low level of hygiene. And at the same time, your standards of hygiene are unreasonably high. You're both being unreasonable and seem wildly incompatible.

Just for clarity, it's just the pillow case you mean, not the whole pillow?

He doesn't get to dictate your medical treatment or your choices. Please speak to your GP about appropriate treat/medication. You know that your behaviour is unreasonable but so is his. Is he usually so unhygienic, or is this specially designed to upset you?. Either way, I would be planning to take stock of the relationship when I felt more able to do so.