DP called me pathetic and is sleeping on the sofa

[ByOchreFish]

I am 3 months postpartum and struggling with contamination OCD, I’m nowhere near as bad as I was after having DD (washing bedding every day etc) but I still struggle and I understand I’m probably difficult to live with.

Our house is messy, I’m not constantly cleaning or anything like that but my main fears are outside germs inside the house and I have some things I ask DP to do such as taking shoes off at the door, showering every evening, not lying on the bed in clothes that have been outside, once the kids are washed and in pyjamas not to touch them until he’s washed (probably the most unreasonable) and I feel he deliberately does these things every single day anyway then pretends he’s forgotten

I feel DP often does things to deliberately wind me up in regards to germs but it’s not a joke to me, I really struggle and I’m overwhelmed and in tears regularly about contamination fears and it takes over my life and I’m miserable. I understand he’s probably fed up with it but he doesn’t want me to go on medication that previously helped me because I’m breastfeeding.

I don’t feel he’s very understanding and he does things like blow his nose into the sink every day and leave it there, leave used tooth picks and cotton buds in the bathroom every single day, today I found dried bogies in the car where he’d picked his nose and wiped his finger, won’t clean the toilet with a brush when there’s poo in there.

Ive probably been hard to be around today as I’ve made a few comments about uncleanliness and germs but we were in bed and he deliberately put his finger up his nose and then wiped his finger on my pillow. I didn’t get annoyed and just put the pillow in the laundry basket. DP starts getting annoyed and tells me to take the pillow back, said I’m being pathetic and that I’m pathetic and it was a joke and if I don’t take the pillow back he’s going to sleep on the sofa. I said I’m not going to sleep on the pillow and he’s now gone to the sofa.

AIBU to be really hurt at being called pathetic? I’m really trying my best

I am pretty relaxed about cleanliness but even I would be repulsed by what your partner is doing.

you need help for your mental health condition (I’m sorry you are suffering) but, quite separately, he is revolting and abusive

Your husband is gross! I was literally gagging reading about how he blows his nose and couldn't make it to the end of your post.
I am so sorry that you are living with this especially in your condition.

I'm sorry you’re struggling. Please get yourself to your GP asap. There are lots of mental health medications that can be safely used by breastfeeding mothers (I’m a GP) Request referral to your local perinatal mental health team also for counselling and support.
your husband isn’t being nice to you at all, all of that snot is gross and his “joke” was really inconsiderate. He sounds abusive?

He’s unhelpful, but you need to get some help with your condition. I grew up on a similar environment. It’s a cruel condition, he should at least perform empathy even if he doesn’t understand.

omg, just woken up, read your first post and nearly vomited.
He is truly disgusting and his Lack of basic hygiene would disgust anyone. I would not let a man like that anywhere near my baby or myself.
Just because please you have OCD does not mean that you are unreasonable or should tolerate his vile behaviour. No ONE would want that near them or their children.
His manners, hygiene are absolutely disgusting and abusive.
if he were not there you could see this clearly- at the moment his behaviour is making your OCD worse. You’re panicked about germs and he is leaving snot in the sink and on the car????!!!!! I feel sick just typing it.

Some posters on here clearly understand fuck all about OCD and could do with some compassion classes.

OP I don't have contamination OCD but if my DH even once snotted into the sink and left it there I would hit the roof and if I did have contamination OCD and he did it I'd be LTB.

Your P is revolting on so many levels and I'd go as far as to say he abusive.

CBT can really help with OCD but I can't help but feel if you ended things with this loser yours would improve a lot.

💐

Fuck me. I don't have OCD, and if my ex had picked his nose and intentionally wiped the bogey on my pillow I would have been having real thoughts of LTB. I absolutely wouldn't have been sleeping on it either.

Everyone's already said it - you seem very aware of your issues, he's not supporting at all, and you need to talk to your GP and see what you can do to medicate whilst continuing breastfeeding, or consider giving up the breastfeeding if you feel it's the better choice.

Honestly though - the OCD is an issue, but the real issue here is your husband.

I imagine your anxiety and ocd would feel a lot more manageable if he wasn’t around OP. You deserve care and support postpartum. Please seek it from your midwife/gp and family and friends. You don’t need to feel isolated with a disgusting and cruel man, there is support available.

The part that struck me is that 'your husband won't let you take medication because you're breastfeeding'. This has zero to do with your husband, if you think you need to take medication, to help get your OCD under control, then take it. If it means you can't breastfeed, then that's too bad. Your health has to come first, over breastfeeding, because if it doesn't you could end up with PND (if you don't already).

Is your husband unwilling for you to take medication, because he thinks if your baby is bottle fed, he might need to help you more?! With regards to sterilising bottles, feeding baby and helping with night feeds?!!

You need therapy to help with the OCD, which I see you have requested.

This sounds so hard OP I really feel for you. Your DH sounds like a complete knob tbh. I would find his behaviour gross and I don’t have OCD.

It does sound however like it would be worthwhile going back on the medication. What you’re going through sounds completely draining and consuming for you. I know you want to breast feed but surly a well mum is the priority for everyone in the family.

I can see both sides. I can’t understand or fathom a fully grown man being so gross and if he’s deliberately being disgusting to get at you, I’d argue that’s abuse. On the flip side, I can understand why he’d feel frustrated because it does sound all consuming and difficult to live with.

In ways, perhaps he feels he’s trying to help you overcome it by not adhering to the arbitrary rules you have set? Kind of like exposure therapy, otherwise he’d be enabling it really.

That aside, I’d stop breastfeeding if that’s the only hurdle between you getting actual help for this, it’s no way to live.

Even if you didn’t have OCD, his behaviour is totally grim. I would very much struggle to live with someone who left dirty earbuds around and smeared snot on surfaces. That’s the behaviour of a 5 year old not a grown man. So no, I don’t think you are unreasonable at all.

Having said that, living with someone who has OCD is difficult and it can be really frustrating. I have a good friend who did it and in the end her whole life was controlled by the things her partner didn’t want her to do. He couldn’t leave anything on the floor, so she couldn’t even put a mug or a glass beside her, he also would only eat from his own ‘clean’ crockery which meant they could never eat out or order a takeaway. The relationship didn’t last.

Anyway, are you getting help for this? If you are, then your partner should be supporting you not sabotaging you.

The not touching your own kids is not reasonable, but apart from that, your husband is a disgusting pig.

I'd say the biggest problem is him refusing you to access GP services to get the medication you need. That is the biggest priority..

I agree with most others that these are two separate issues.

I am glad you are getting help with the OCD, if you want to take the pills, take them. He doesn't get to dictate that to you.

He is absolutely disgusting. Snot in the sink would make me vomit and I am not particularly sensitive. How can he think that is an acceptable way to behave.

“blow his nose into the sink every day and leave it there, leave used tooth picks and cotton buds in the bathroom every single day, today I found dried bogies in the car where he’d picked his nose and wiped his finger, won’t clean the toilet with a brush when there’s poo in there.”

That is unacceptable behaviour regardless of your OCD. Most people (if not all) would find that disgusting.

The shoes off is fairly common.

The rest is not.

So he is being gross. But also, the trouble with OCD is that the thoughts that your brain sends you and the anxiety that causes are calmed by the actions you take. But only in the short term. Because your brain and body never get the chance to learn that there is no significant threat because the actions (compulsions) bring swift relief that is hard to resist. And if he joins you in being organised by the thoughts and feelings your brain and body send you then he’s not helping your recovery.

His behaviour is unacceptable and quite cruel but I don’t think it’s good for you, him or your children if he goes along fully and compliantly in line with your fears.

I think you need support with this so that your kids don’t end up with the same issues. OCD is a bully and you all need help to come out of its power. He needs to fully understand the nature of OCD and support you with it kindly. And he needs to be an adult. Wiping snot is two year old behaviour!!

Half dozen of one, six of the other.
You both sound like you're a pain in the ass to be honest.

Oh my he sounds disgusting. He would make me gag

The problem here @ByOchreFish is your husband doesn't like you.

He's insisting that you cannnot be treated for an illness and then he's deliberately triggering you, so that your illness kicks in. He's very very unkind.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. You know you're ill, you're seeking treatment. Yes, you must be hard to live with but kindness and support would help here rather than behaving like a disgusting pig. Which he is, by the way.

I'm not suggesting that he goes along with your fears, rather, he helps you receive treatment, prioritises you accessing therapy by whatever method possible, and isn't actively a fucking unpleasant bully. There's a long way between engaging with your fears and washing 4 times a night, and wiping snot on your pillow case 😡

I'm not joking that if ever my DH showed such contempt for me as to wipe his bogeys on my pillow, he wouldn't be my DH any more. I'm worth more than sleeping with my face on anyone's snot. The unkindness, lack of understanding, and lack of support can not be helping you in any way.

I agree. My husband has ocd and it rules the house

I don’t feel he’s very understanding and he does things like blow his nose into the sink every day and leave it there, leave used tooth picks and cotton buds in the bathroom every single day, today I found dried bogies in the car where he’d picked his nose and wiped his finger, won’t clean the toilet with a brush when there’s poo in there.

That is disgusting. My then teenage boys never did anything like that and dh certainly hasn't. It would give me the ick.

I'm sure you are hard to live with in dome ways but your husband is antagonising you instead of helping uou get support.

@ByOchreFish i couldn’t live with him ( wether he could live with me or not )
He blows his nose in the sink ???? The thought makes me sick.
He is disgusting and he doesn’t care you are unwell . Please don’t have any more kids with him .

No one would ever call me OCD but what he is doing is disgusting and cruel.

I was ready to say YABU as you can't expect others to adapt to your unreasonable, irrational expectations, but he's behaving horribly, so YANBU.

So so mean. What a childish man. He has no understanding of mental illness. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Feel vindicated by the fact that he is utterly utterly wrong.

anyone without ocd would find what he did disgusting. 🤮

I've had very severe contamination OCD and the meds really did help. I must have been very difficult to live with and hard for my partner to see how distressing everything was for me. However he helped and supported me every step.

Your partner's behaviour is disgusting from a basic hygiene point of view and horrible for essentially taunting you.

My OCD was not linked to any postpartum, but please take some comfort from the fact that I overcame it, it looks meds, talking therapy and a lot of determination. It'll always be a small niggle in the back of my mind, but it doesn't control my life. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but please reach out again, mine get very severe before I got help.

You can overcome this!