DP called me pathetic and is sleeping on the sofa

[ByOchreFish]

I am 3 months postpartum and struggling with contamination OCD, I’m nowhere near as bad as I was after having DD (washing bedding every day etc) but I still struggle and I understand I’m probably difficult to live with.

Our house is messy, I’m not constantly cleaning or anything like that but my main fears are outside germs inside the house and I have some things I ask DP to do such as taking shoes off at the door, showering every evening, not lying on the bed in clothes that have been outside, once the kids are washed and in pyjamas not to touch them until he’s washed (probably the most unreasonable) and I feel he deliberately does these things every single day anyway then pretends he’s forgotten

I feel DP often does things to deliberately wind me up in regards to germs but it’s not a joke to me, I really struggle and I’m overwhelmed and in tears regularly about contamination fears and it takes over my life and I’m miserable. I understand he’s probably fed up with it but he doesn’t want me to go on medication that previously helped me because I’m breastfeeding.

I don’t feel he’s very understanding and he does things like blow his nose into the sink every day and leave it there, leave used tooth picks and cotton buds in the bathroom every single day, today I found dried bogies in the car where he’d picked his nose and wiped his finger, won’t clean the toilet with a brush when there’s poo in there.

Ive probably been hard to be around today as I’ve made a few comments about uncleanliness and germs but we were in bed and he deliberately put his finger up his nose and then wiped his finger on my pillow. I didn’t get annoyed and just put the pillow in the laundry basket. DP starts getting annoyed and tells me to take the pillow back, said I’m being pathetic and that I’m pathetic and it was a joke and if I don’t take the pillow back he’s going to sleep on the sofa. I said I’m not going to sleep on the pillow and he’s now gone to the sofa.

AIBU to be really hurt at being called pathetic? I’m really trying my best

Jesus, no wonder you're obsessed with cleanliness when he's so revolting and dirty.

My OCD about germs and contamination went through the roof whilst pregnant and Ds early years, so completely understand where you are coming from.

DH was from a farming background so was a lot more relaxed about hygiene but he completely supported my concerns and did match a lot of my reasonable requests. Which is what you are asking from yours. The fact he isn’t matching them is a big red flag.

He may be frustrated and concerned but stopping you taking medication is also another red flag. He wants you to get better but without any medication or support from him is really bad and very unlikely to happen.

Hope you find have freedom from the OCD and have the support you need. Suspect it will come after you find freedom from your non-supportive partner.

Yeah he's utterly grim.

You have a diagnosed medical condition and rather than supporting you, he is actively going out of his way to make it worse.

Plus I cannot understate how FUCKING GRIM he is. Your fears are irrational and the boundaries you have put in place to try and protect yourself sound difficult to live with - but really not impossible. Even washing before hugging the kids in their pyjamas - assuming you're going to take a shower anyway, it's only a mild inconvenience to do it at a time that gives you peace of mind.

But maybe you wouldn't feel the need to put those boundaries in place if he wasn't honking his snot into the sink, wiping it on pillows and in the car, and leaving his toothpicks, earbuds and shit streaks lying around. I wouldn't want the dirty fucker touching my kids either, and I do NOT have OCD.

I couldn't live with someone that used their bodily excretions as provocation. You are not pathetic. He is a dirty cruel vile human.

This is genuinely a LTB situation for me - never mind the physical grossness, he is showing a wild lack of empathy for someone with a diagnosed mental health condition. That he is doing this when you are 3 months post-partum makes my heart break for you. You are so vulnerable right now, of course your mental health has taken a battering from all the hormones, of course your OCD has flared up. The fact that the person who is supposed to love and support you right now is preventing you taking medication to make it better and actively treating you in a way that knowingly makes it worse is completely unacceptable. He is WILDLY unreasonable and I'd make him grovel his way back into your bedroom on his hands and knees, with antibacterial wipes on both cleaning as he goes.

Do not let him take the moral high ground here. He's an absolute cunt of a man and if you weren't in the newborn days I'd be saying you should chuck him out.

Please talk to your GP about your medication and breastfeeding. It might be that your husband is right, it might not. It might be that your mental health has to come first even if he is right. The Lindsay Clancy case weighs heavily on my mind in terms of the importance of post-partum care (obvs no parallel with me thinking anyone will hurt your children...).

Thank you this is really reassuring, I’ve contacted the GP this morning and I’m waiting for them to call

I really appreciate everyone’s input and it’s given me a lot to think about

Hes vile and totally unsupportive - I’m grossed out by the fact he wipes snot in the car and leaves it there, disgusting. He’s deliberately antagonising someone who’s struggling ( I get ocd is difficult to live with for all in the household), but some of the general things he does are gross.

Also it is not your husbands decision op, for u to
not take medication while you BF, you go to the GP and discuss with them, there will be options Im
sure

How anyone could behave like this and then call someone else pathetic…the lack of self awareness is just breathtaking.

Even if you didn’t have OCD, his behaviour would be childish, hostile and hurtful. Given that he knows full well that he is torturing you, words fail me. I don’t think you can be with him long-term.

I started off thinking that possibly you do need to speak to someone about this (it does sounds like this is a real issue for you) but also he’s bloody grim!! My DH would never dream of doing any of those things!

and I agree, shoes off at the door thank you.

so probably a combination of yes - you need to address this. And yes - he’s a disgusting bellend.

Oh my goodness he is disgusting. You need understanding and support and he is being a pig

Lots to unpick here.

I had contamination OCD in 2019 and ended up being placed under a section because I was so poorly. Medication helped, your partner shouldn’t have a say if you take it or not. Talking therapy and also exposure helped too. YABU expecting your partner to wash before touching the kids and if he does so this is enabling your OCD. Not enabling my behaviours was something my psychiatrist was big on. It was my condition and not anyone else’s.

The rest of his behavior sounds absolutely disgusting though, I think anyone without OCD would struggle to live with that. His attitude towards you and your condition sounds vile too. Living with someone with OCD is hard, and I know it impacted my DH greatly. There’s a line between enabling their habits and making a joke out of their mental health, which your DH is doing.

I saw you have made a GP apt which is great. It’s so easy to slip down this slope and lose touch with reality, having support is vital.

I have no OCD issues or problems with germs, but this is absolutely revolting, juvenile and I would say abusive. You have told your partner that something is a serious issue for you, and he keeps doing that thing on purpose? Not absentmindedly and out of habit, but he sees you struggling and does that specific thing to upset you on purpose.

I'm sorry you are struggling OP and have a DH who is vile.
Some of the things he is doing are vile for normal standard, let alone for someone who struggled with contamination fears. If my DH did that to my pillow, I'd make him sleep elsewhere for a long while. Its basically trying to screw with your mental health when they know it is an issue.
Your DH also has no say over whether you take medication or not. That is up to you - you don't mention if not taking it is what you want for breastfeeding. Have you asked the doctor about it? Sometimes breastfeeding isn't worth losing your mental health over. I stopped breastfeeding in order to preserve my mental health - best decision I made for my situation.

I am not particularly clean but I'd be grossed out too. I'd prefer 'germs from outside' to this. I also hate when men (always them) pick their nose in the car. Yuck

That is absolutely disgusting, why would he do that?! I have contamination ocd too and it really heightens when you have children op

I don’t feel he’s very understanding and he does things like blow his nose into the sink every day and leave it there, leave used tooth picks and cotton buds in the bathroom every single day, today I found dried bogies in the car where he’d picked his nose and wiped his finger, won’t clean the toilet with a brush when there’s poo in there.

That is all utterly disgusting.

Your partner sounds awful, don't even blame your OCD for the way you feel x

I don’t feel he’s very understanding and he does things like blow his nose into the sink every day and leave it there, leave used tooth picks and cotton buds in the bathroom every single day, today I found dried bogies in the car where he’d picked his nose and wiped his finger, won’t clean the toilet with a brush when there’s poo in there

I had to re-read your first post @ByOchreFish as I didn't see this at first 😪

He is an absolutely revolting pig and I'd be glad he was sleeping on the sofa.

I guess my main question is has this behaviour ramped up since you've been diagnosed or has he always been so filthy? The former is incredibly worrying and the latter is bad enough.

He doesn't respect you, he doesn't want to make your life any easier and to have you even question this means you are being gaslit.

What is your support network like? What does this man bring to the home and family life?

He sounds disgusting, picking his nose and wiping in random places, I would not allow this from a child never mind a full grown man. Was he dragged up?
Taking the piss out of your concerns over germs is downright cruel but I think you already know this.
I’d have lost my shit at him wiping his nose contents in my pillow the absolute pig. How repugnant.

He does sound as if he needs to up his cleanliness game!

I haven’t voted because there’s nuance here, but I think you should pick your battles.

The bogies in the car and the poo are completely unacceptable and disgusting, also disrespectful to you. Here I think you should go hard.

Not touching his own children until he has showered is weird and unfairly controlling (unless he works in dirty environment like a mine or sewer, possibly a construction site or farm?). You are not his mum and should not police his showering unless he smells (or has a dirty occupation as above.)

The problem is that because you are unreasonable on some of the things it diminishes your credibility on the things that really are unacceptable.

You can’t control him and you need to pick your battles. It is incredibly demeaning to be told to shower every day and that you can’t pick up your own children and you will put his back up instead of getting the results you want.

Babies are tougher than you think, and some dirt is good. Clean environments are linked to the rise in allergies and asthma.

I suspect if you said “look I realise I’ve been unreasonable about some of this but here are the things that really matter and are disrespectful - how would you feel if I left bogies in the car and poos in the loo?” you may get more traction. Also every time there’s a poo, leave it then show it to him and say, please clean that. I’m not here to clean your poo.” Etc etc

You know you need to address your condition don’t you?
In the meantime, with the knowledge of what makes you anxious, your husband, it seems to me, is being mentally abusive. You know your behaviour is unreasonable but his is far far worse.

I’d bet your OCD would disappear if you got rid of the filthy pig

No it wouldn’t.

With kindness and understanding, is his cleanliness really as bad as you're portraying? The reason I ask is that my mother had OCD and she would regularly build things up in her mind to be much worse then they were. For example, some of the water from the dogs bowl had dripped on the floor built up in her mind to be "we let the dogs pee on the floor and just leave it there". Because true OCD can absolutely strip you of rational thought and it is very hard to be subjective when you're in the grip of it.

Only you can answer that question, however if what you say in your OP is accurate, I think you are both unreasonable. The hygeine standards you describe from your husband is unacceptable. Your level of control would push most people to their limits.

So he's abusing you then. You need some proper help and support, do you have family/friends near by?.

2 things are true here. You're being absolutely ridiculous and cannot police his behaviour in that way.

He is also disgusting. Who wipes bogies on things? Is he 12? This would be nuclear, grow the fuck up or go back to your mother territory with me. I signed up for a husband, not a manky little cunt who hasn't matured since puberty.

Good OP. You are not well at all and this is no way to live. It needs nipping in the bud before your kids pick up on it. As for your husband, he is really immature and you don't sound compatible.