DP called me pathetic and is sleeping on the sofa

[ByOchreFish]

I am 3 months postpartum and struggling with contamination OCD, I’m nowhere near as bad as I was after having DD (washing bedding every day etc) but I still struggle and I understand I’m probably difficult to live with.

Our house is messy, I’m not constantly cleaning or anything like that but my main fears are outside germs inside the house and I have some things I ask DP to do such as taking shoes off at the door, showering every evening, not lying on the bed in clothes that have been outside, once the kids are washed and in pyjamas not to touch them until he’s washed (probably the most unreasonable) and I feel he deliberately does these things every single day anyway then pretends he’s forgotten

I feel DP often does things to deliberately wind me up in regards to germs but it’s not a joke to me, I really struggle and I’m overwhelmed and in tears regularly about contamination fears and it takes over my life and I’m miserable. I understand he’s probably fed up with it but he doesn’t want me to go on medication that previously helped me because I’m breastfeeding.

I don’t feel he’s very understanding and he does things like blow his nose into the sink every day and leave it there, leave used tooth picks and cotton buds in the bathroom every single day, today I found dried bogies in the car where he’d picked his nose and wiped his finger, won’t clean the toilet with a brush when there’s poo in there.

Ive probably been hard to be around today as I’ve made a few comments about uncleanliness and germs but we were in bed and he deliberately put his finger up his nose and then wiped his finger on my pillow. I didn’t get annoyed and just put the pillow in the laundry basket. DP starts getting annoyed and tells me to take the pillow back, said I’m being pathetic and that I’m pathetic and it was a joke and if I don’t take the pillow back he’s going to sleep on the sofa. I said I’m not going to sleep on the pillow and he’s now gone to the sofa.

AIBU to be really hurt at being called pathetic? I’m really trying my best

I know I am, I don’t enjoy it I’m utterly miserable but he doesn’t want me to go on the medication that helped me previously and instead said he’d be more understanding. I made a GP appointment anyway as I could feel it getting worse and got a prescription but DP insisted I don’t take it

My health visitor referred me to a talking therapy but I’m not sure how long the wait is, I think she said it’s a shorter wait for new mums

Is this for real? There was a similar thread the other day.

None of the things you mention are symptoms of OCD - type cleanliness. They’re just normal cleanliness, things I’d do and I’m not the most houseproud person.

He’s a typical self centred git of a male who doesn’t like anything not being exactly to his comfort. I’ll be surprised if these are the only issues you’ve had after giving birth. Is he actually expressing an opinion about what drugs he doesn’t want you to have while breastfeeding for his sake, for his control? Cos he can sod off with that. Then taking off to the sofa after that also sounds like a control move.

You come across as lovely and very kind. I would have punched him in the face.
I hope you get the support that you need. I am angry on your behalf.

He doesn't get to decide if you take the meds. You do. If GP says they're safe for BF then go for it.

You’re not being unreasonable with what you describe, I’m not the first poster to say that that poster was weird. Nothing wrong with asking anyone not to touch the kids just after they’ve got clean.

Even without OCD you wouldn't want to sleep on the pillow. He sounds like he's extremely unkind and will be a hinderence to your recovery.

Separately though, this needs to be dealt with with professionals. My sons OCD started with contamination and progressed until it totally incapacitated him and the fears moved onto something else. Nobody deserves to be in that state. Please go and ask for help.__

No he doesn’t wash his hands after going to the toilet or anything, only if I ask him to.

Recently when he cooked he put the cooked meat back on the plate the raw meat has been sat on and didn’t see the problem.

“None of the things you mention are symptoms of OCD - type cleanliness. They’re just normal cleanliness, things I’d do and I’m not the most houseproud person.”

You don’t let your husband touch his kids if he hasn’t washed? 👀

Yes sorry just the cover

If the kids had just got out of the bath and he was dirty? No. Cleanliness is t just being awkward, it’s the first point of maintaining health.

My parents wouldn’t have allowed it either, and their house was pretty dirty. I keep wanting to go round their bathroom with a water gun full of bleach.

Your mental state makes some things unreasonable that I understand feel very real to you. A GP should make the call on breastfeeding and meds not him - have you spoken to one? You should get help so you don’t have to feel like this. However he actually sounds a bit gross and also childish in his behaviour and I think he’s unreasonable too - and shouldn’t dictate what you can’t do to resolve this while making jokes about it. I hope you get support soon it’s an exhausting feeling.

He is disgusting! I'm not surprised you have contamination fears living with someone like that.
None of his behaviour that you listed is reasonable.
Apart from not touching the kids after they have showered, nothing you have listed is unreasonable.
My husband once (and only once) didn't clean the toilet after himself. I told him that I can look at his shitstains in the toilet or I can want to have sex with him, but I can't do both. Needless to say, he cleans the toilet after himself.

I would be seriously questioning whether this was a relationship that I wanted to stay in, and not questioning my own mental health by saying I had OCD (unless it's clinically diagnosed, and even so it's not unreasonable in these circumstances).

Your OH sounds awful but I couldn’t live with you either . It’s not sounding a happy home at all in which to raise kids , how are you going to cope once they are out and about bringing all manner of dirt and detritus home .

He’s a pig. You don’t need to have OCD to not want snot on your pillow or a shitty toilet. How can you be pregnant? I wouldn’t let him near me.

I strongly suspect that your OCD might be a lot better if you didn’t live with him.

That said some of what you described is worth trying to get treated for- I agree that not letting him touch the kids or lie on the bed in clothes is a bit much. I think if you sorted some of your own issues you might have the confidence to tell him to sort his revolting habits out.

I had sympathy with him while reading that he wasn’t allowed to touch his own children once they were in their pyjamas, because that is not ok and would be something you needed to deal with. But he is gross People who don’t have germ phobias are naturally grossed out by finding random bogies or having snot rubbed on their pillow simply because it’s disgusting. The mean who is doing this to
you is disrespectful, unkind, and pretty disgusting.

My mother was similar to you whilst I was growing up, and these days I can’t stand being in her presence for more than 10 minutes. I suspect I’ve developed PTSD linked to her. My point is that when someone behaves unreasonably towards you for long enough, you can become unreasonable towards them too. Stop breastfeeding and take the pills.

He sounds foul.

I don't have OCD but I would never date, let alone marry a guy who leaves snot in the sink and can't clean the toilet after pooping. He is a pig. Get rid.

Out of interest OP what came first, his disgusting habits or your OCD?

Yes it’s genuine and I was diagnosed with perinatal OCD after having DD. Things were very bad then and I was disinfecting the sofa if anyone had been outside then sat on it, I was changing the bed every day, it was really out of control but has been completely fine for the last few years and came back again this pregnancy.

I maybe haven’t portrayed how bad things are but I wash my toddler, shower, get DP to put baby in the bath because I don’t want to touch him when I’m clean, wash the baby but then won’t let DP touch any of us until he’s showered. If I have to go outside for whatever reason even to get something from the car I then have to wash again. I have to end my shower by rinsing myself and turning the shower off and repeat that three times, I have to fill up the baby’s bath and empty it three times, there’s so much more I can add but it is all consuming and im miserable and aware it’s completely unreasonable and illogical but I have to do it

I agree I wouldn’t stay with someone this vile!

His appalling hygiene is worse than your anxiety about hygiene. Blowing his nose in the sink? Not washing his hands when he’s been to the loo? Not cleaning the loo after himself? This is basic stuff, before I even mention leaving bogies. To try to force you to use your pillowcase then call you pathetic is an example of him ramping up the cruelty towards you. Preventing you taking the medication to lessen your misery is another. Stop being so tolerant of him. Kick him out and have a better life.

So you don't touch the kids either? Or do you bathe with them? Or is this ban only reserved for other people?
It's clearly not the norm. Doesn't make the husband any less of a pig, though.

You need support and understanding, and not to have a disgusting slob making it worse for you.

Oh come on, he's a dirty pig! I'm not house-proud at all and his behaviour turns my stomach.