DP called me pathetic and is sleeping on the sofa

[ByOchreFish]

I am 3 months postpartum and struggling with contamination OCD, I’m nowhere near as bad as I was after having DD (washing bedding every day etc) but I still struggle and I understand I’m probably difficult to live with.

Our house is messy, I’m not constantly cleaning or anything like that but my main fears are outside germs inside the house and I have some things I ask DP to do such as taking shoes off at the door, showering every evening, not lying on the bed in clothes that have been outside, once the kids are washed and in pyjamas not to touch them until he’s washed (probably the most unreasonable) and I feel he deliberately does these things every single day anyway then pretends he’s forgotten

I feel DP often does things to deliberately wind me up in regards to germs but it’s not a joke to me, I really struggle and I’m overwhelmed and in tears regularly about contamination fears and it takes over my life and I’m miserable. I understand he’s probably fed up with it but he doesn’t want me to go on medication that previously helped me because I’m breastfeeding.

I don’t feel he’s very understanding and he does things like blow his nose into the sink every day and leave it there, leave used tooth picks and cotton buds in the bathroom every single day, today I found dried bogies in the car where he’d picked his nose and wiped his finger, won’t clean the toilet with a brush when there’s poo in there.

Ive probably been hard to be around today as I’ve made a few comments about uncleanliness and germs but we were in bed and he deliberately put his finger up his nose and then wiped his finger on my pillow. I didn’t get annoyed and just put the pillow in the laundry basket. DP starts getting annoyed and tells me to take the pillow back, said I’m being pathetic and that I’m pathetic and it was a joke and if I don’t take the pillow back he’s going to sleep on the sofa. I said I’m not going to sleep on the pillow and he’s now gone to the sofa.

AIBU to be really hurt at being called pathetic? I’m really trying my best

Yeah same here.
Wouldn't blame him for pissing off at all.
It's not her fault she's got OCD but nobody should reasonably be expected to tolerate it.

Though if I'm honest the only ones that sound particularly grim are related to snot.
The rest are a bit so what? for me. Bit of shit in a receptacle designed for shit. Ooh the horror!! Sarcasm obviously.

He seriously wanted you to get a pillowcase with snot on it out of the laundry basket and sleep on it?!!!!
Your husband is a revolting pig but also I think you really need help with your OCD as well.
Is the medication safe to take while breastfeeding? Because I’d take the opinion of your GP on that not your DH.
Also if your MH is that bad is it time to consider stopping BF so you can get better?

This post nails it.

I have contamination OCD and I know that it's absolute hell to live with and also that people don't take it seriously. I feel for you.

But OCD aside, he just sounds disgusting by normal standards.
Tell his mum. Shame the bastard.

At first reading this I thought it must be hard for him to live with those requirements but then I read how DISGUSTING he is, how he acts, wanting you to take back a pillow he purposely wiped his nose on, you are not the one that is pathetic.

You both sound fundamentally incompatible, but I do not know anyone that would want to live with a revolting pig that leaves their snot and bogies around.

He sounds absolutely rancid! No wonder you can't recover with him being so disgusting. It's drive anyone to being slightly obsessed about germs. Boogies, toilet hands everywhere, shoe dirt, raw meat- I wouldn't be able to relax i that house, id be worried everything was covered in yuck!

Your behaviour is obviously hard to live with but I'd 100% rather live with you than him. I couldn't live with someone so foul and who is treating your illness as a joke. Leave the filthy bastard!

If he doesn't wash his hands when handling raw meat and after the toilet then he wouldn't be touching me or the children at any time!

Toilet brushes are gross though- no way would i have one in the house- poo water drips everywhere. Bleach is the only way.

He should be supporting you especially as you have just had a child with him.

Frankly OP I have zero tolerance for juvenile, cruel men like this and I would end this relationship in your shoes.

Once you have kicked him out you can work with your GP to address your issues with OCD.

He sounds nasty. If your GP has offered you medication I don’t understand what it has to do with your partner. Take the meds if it is going to help you. Does he even need to know? It’s nothing whatsoever to do with him.

You need to go to the doctors - when I felt like this i sent them an email outlining it all and I had an appointment the next day. I was put on low dose of prozac and it helped so much!

Its not about whether your request is reasonable eg shoes but the distress that it causes if its not followed - contamination ocd is hard to treat as there is no 'end state' eg if I do this then I get ill, you don't get ill so you can 'prove' to your brain its over thinking - the pills will be tricky for 2 weeks then you will feel much better, this should be combined with mental health support

He sounds absolutely fucking disgusting, and it sounds like he is purposely adding fuel to the fire that is your OCD.
He should be showing you support, even if he is finding the situation difficult. Instead he’s purposely pushing you over the edge.
I just can’t get over the fact he blows his nose in the sink and wipes his bogies in the bloody car!

Your extreme OCD undoubtedly makes you extremely hard to live with and it would put an enormous strain on even a good marriage.

But you have something very far from a good marriage. Your husband sounds monstrous. I don’t have OCD, but I’d not be able to live with someone who shoots snot into the sink. What a prize pig.

At first I was going to have a bit of sympathy for him having to deal with your issues, but the way he is going about things is absolutely disgusting. No one would find his gross behaviour acceptable. Unfortunstely you are both challenging to live with, but for opposite reasons.

If a man i was with did this he would be gone .. the level of unkindness and disgusting things he is doing is disrespect.
Can you kick him out.

This.
Please go back to your GP. Lots of mums BF on medication (I did) and do ask about CBT. I have OCD too but its around rituals, checking and numbers but CBT can help you.
If DH interferes with you taking medication that will help you then that’s not okay.
As a mum who had bad PND, anxiety, OCD and symptoms of PTSD from birth trauma I understand how exhausted you are right now battling your own mind. You and your baby deserve you to get better ❤️
As for DHs behaviour, totally gross and juvenile

I am really sorry that you are suffering from this OP. However perhaps you should chat with your GP and consider giving up breastfeeding. I speak as someone who was so ill postnatally that after four months I had to go back on meds. It was so incredibly hard but I know now, with hindsight, that this was the best thing to do for my sanity and that of my family.

He delights in deliberately distressing you. The examples you gave would disgust anyone - leaving snot for you to clean is outrageous.

He enjoys your unhappiness. He's smiling while you cry. And he's doing these things when you are at your most vulnerable. He has an utterly noxious personality. I'm wondering if your OCD was apparent before you married, because if it was, this may be one reason he married you - so he had someone he could cause to suffer so easily.

I don't like your husband. He is not a good man and I hope in time you can find a life without him in it.

I’m sorry OP but he’s a cunt. He’d be on the sofa forever if he were my not so dear H!

Fuck my old boots, what am I reading on here?

He does whatt?

He’s disgusting and unkind but I also could not live with you and I would say I’m an averagely clean person.

What you’re experiencing is really not healthy and could end up making your life very small and that of your children. And actually families are told not to constantly engage in reassuring type behaviour. It feeds the compulsions. What you would be encouraged to do is gently face your fears not avoid them.

Equally though they wouldn’t be encouraged to be unkind and bullying like your husband is being. It would feed into the sense of lack of control that is at the root of your problems.

Try and get support rather than reassurance from others and definitely get professional help. Full blown OCD is absolutely debilitating.

Two separate issues. The first is that you need some professional help. Sorry that you're going through this. He should be supporting you although some of your demands are a bit unreasonable like not touching the dcs after they're in pj's if he hasn't showered.
The other is that he is totally disgusting. I couldn't live with someone who is that vile to wipe snot on surfaces and sneezes in the sink. Yuk.

There are two issues here- one is your mental health condition which is serious and needs to be treated. OCD can be life limiting, I know someone with a serious case and she has the same inside/outside issue as you only magnified and lasting for many years. Please get help for your condition before it becomes chronic.

The second issue is that your husband is vile and can't maintain basic hygiene levels. It isn't normal to blow your nose in the sink, mix up raw and cooked meat or wipe bogies on surfaces. He's also massively unsupportive at a time when you're vulnerable. What a dick.

Sounds like you do need a hand with your OCD, but at the same time your DP sounds fucking rank (and very immature).

Your OCD wouldn't be nearly as bad if you weren't living with such a filthy scummy person. He wiped snot on your pillow. No one would sleep on that. That's not OCD, that's being a normal clean person. He doesn't wash his hands, doesn't wipe his own literal shit up, puts cooked meat on raw meat packaging- that's disgusting and unhygienic and dangerous.

He is deliberately aggravating your mental health issues and gaslighting you into believing that your normal reactions to things are because of your mental health issues.

Some of your behaviours are extreme, because your body is constantly being bombarded by the ick of living with a walking health hazard.

While some therapy in this is exposure he is being utterly vile. Snot in the sink and the rest? No, he's a cruel man, sorry, all he seems to want to do is hurt you.

I'd go see a therapist and your GP. He may well be making your OCD worse by his behaviour and this isn't being a partner material - partner support each other.