DP called me pathetic and is sleeping on the sofa

[ByOchreFish]

I am 3 months postpartum and struggling with contamination OCD, I’m nowhere near as bad as I was after having DD (washing bedding every day etc) but I still struggle and I understand I’m probably difficult to live with.

Our house is messy, I’m not constantly cleaning or anything like that but my main fears are outside germs inside the house and I have some things I ask DP to do such as taking shoes off at the door, showering every evening, not lying on the bed in clothes that have been outside, once the kids are washed and in pyjamas not to touch them until he’s washed (probably the most unreasonable) and I feel he deliberately does these things every single day anyway then pretends he’s forgotten

I feel DP often does things to deliberately wind me up in regards to germs but it’s not a joke to me, I really struggle and I’m overwhelmed and in tears regularly about contamination fears and it takes over my life and I’m miserable. I understand he’s probably fed up with it but he doesn’t want me to go on medication that previously helped me because I’m breastfeeding.

I don’t feel he’s very understanding and he does things like blow his nose into the sink every day and leave it there, leave used tooth picks and cotton buds in the bathroom every single day, today I found dried bogies in the car where he’d picked his nose and wiped his finger, won’t clean the toilet with a brush when there’s poo in there.

Ive probably been hard to be around today as I’ve made a few comments about uncleanliness and germs but we were in bed and he deliberately put his finger up his nose and then wiped his finger on my pillow. I didn’t get annoyed and just put the pillow in the laundry basket. DP starts getting annoyed and tells me to take the pillow back, said I’m being pathetic and that I’m pathetic and it was a joke and if I don’t take the pillow back he’s going to sleep on the sofa. I said I’m not going to sleep on the pillow and he’s now gone to the sofa.

AIBU to be really hurt at being called pathetic? I’m really trying my best

yeah I know they’re kind of separate issues I just wanted to give context as to why he would’ve said I was pathetic and to explain incase the not wanting to sleep on the pillow was an overreaction

thank you this thread has definitely pushed me to want to get more help as I’ve never properly told anyone the extent of it before as I’m worried I sound so ridiculous

Divorce is the only option, what a filthy disgusting human he is. We would all have ocd living with that!

This

While I understand that you feel he could just do those things to make you feel better he is actually doing the right thing by refusing to give in to your rules. Once he follows those ones you’ll just come up with more and more restrictive ones as the disease progresses. He is refusing to let you sink into compliance with what are irrational and unreasonable thoughts.

Although that’s not an excuse to be actually dirty and leave snot and poo around for you to clean up or to wipe things on your pillow or call you mean names.

He also cannot demand you breastfeed if you need your medication. You should probably switch to formula and get back on your meds.

So it’s a bit of a case of, some of your demands are unreasonable, but he’s also being a dick.

Disgusting man.

The help you need is to get this pig of a man out of your life. Then work on yourself.

Ok, that does sound more extreme, but he is the opposite and being extremely nasty about it. He’d be assuming he could get all the understanding and help from you as a woman if it was the other way round! OCD is a known and recognised condition, as a pp said I’d suggest talking to the doctor about meds or other help that can work with breastfeeding. And tell him to stay on the sofa then, because he is a slovenly filth and as another pp said, you might find you have less issues without him being disgusting, never mind maliciously so. Malicious is the right word.

I think there are two separate things going on here.

1. You have anxiety and are making him do unreasonable things like get changed before he touches his kids (which unless he is some kind of plague doctor, is ott, which you know)
2. He is fucking disgusting, by any reasonable persons standards. "he does things like blow his nose into the sink every day and leave it there, leave used tooth picks and cotton buds in the bathroom every single day, today I found dried bogies in the car where he’d picked his nose and wiped his finger, won’t clean the toilet with a brush when there’s poo in there." None of that is in any way normal, or ok.

Yes I get that living with someone with anxiety / OCD is incredibly hard. But being really truly disgusting either means he is really truly disgusting (and maybe some of your anxiety is therefore based in reality) OR he is deliberately going out of his way to make you feel worse. I'm not sure which option is least shit but I don't think I'd want to live wirh either of those scenarios.

I am so pleased you are getting support OP. He sounds completely disgusting and unreasonable. Just gross. How vile and disrespectful. Would he allow his children to behave like that?
oh and regarding the medication? Your body, your rules. If mothership goes down, it all goes down. Look after yourself.
I hope he realises what a dick he’s being and you can find a calm, happy and respectful compromise.

I'm a messy fucker but I actually get all that stuff except for hugging the kids in their PJs. Anyway, him deliberately upsetting you in this way is shitty.

EW!!! He’s disgusting and I’m not surprised you’re paranoid when you can’t trust someone you live so closely with to practice basic cleanliness.

Separately though, I just wanted to say, it is okay to formula feed so you can take the medication that helps you. You can prioritise your mental health. It is better for a child to have a healthy happy functioning mother, not crippled by anxiety, and be well nourished by the wonderful invention of formula. There’s no shame in it, it’s a literal life-saver. Yes, there are benefits to breast fed, it’s admirable for that to be the first choice, but sometimes it’s not the right choice for both mother and baby. In 30 years time no one will know, ask, or be able to tell how you fed, your child will thrive, and you’ll be able to look back and remember being able to enjoy this precious time you’ll never get again with them.

You're not overreacting OP. He's vile and mean with it.

I can't stress enough about getting help. I ended up having to feed and shower my 19 yr old he ended up so bad. There are treatments for OCD. Get the ball rolling asap.

Unfortunately you don't seem compatible. You are at the extreme end of cleanliness and he is at the extreme end of disgusting. Was it always like this or has it changed over time? You should get help for your anxiety so it doesn't start affecting your children but you don't have to put up with the piggish behaviour from your dp. He is vile.

He is a nasty filthy pig.
Please tell your health visitor and your GP.

OP the fact he is stopping you from taking drugs that help you is truly nasty. He does not get to tell you what you do with your body. Switch to formula, take the drugs, file for divorce. Because honestly whilst your OCD will be hard to live with he is an absolute arsehole and really quite revolting and using these habits as a stick to beat you with is awful. Is he controlling in other ways? His stance on the medication feels like it might be the tip of an iceberg.

I just wanted to come on here and recommend Sertraline to you. It was a game-changer for me with my OCD. I had counselling but it was this medication that helped me turn a corner

I'm not bothered about outside germs, Often don't take my shoes off if I'm going out again soon, dishes pile up a bit, I'm not as "clean" as most people I know I don't think.

I still think he's disgusting and, even worse, cruel.

Yeah he doesn't sound ideal - but then I dont think giving into your demands will help you anyway.
I think you need to call your GP and work out your medication - that's the bit that stuck with me- it's not for him to dictate and you need to get yourself better - this sounds exhausting for you x

Shoes on in the house, especially with kids living there is filthy. I have simular issues to you and I would honestly want him gone. Its hard enough dealing with ocd without someone antagonizing and making it even more distressing.

He sounds absolutely disgusting.
It's no wonder you are struggling with OCD feelings. This would be enough to tip me over the edge. Your expectations around shoes off, no outside clothes on, showering every evening are actually very reasonable.

My standards are pretty low but even i couldn't live with such a dirty bastard. He's grim.

He’s disgusting. And most of the things you do I do similar like shoes off and no outside clothes on the bed.

I agree that a lot of the things you described seem very normal, no shoes in the house , no outside clothes in bed is pretty common in a lot of households!!! As is washing g your hands after the toilet, not putting boogers on surfaces and showering daily.
your dh sounds really disgusting and lazy

Who in hell does your 'D'P think he is to insist you don't take your meds which could help you. It's your body not his. How DARE he.
He is a dirty, disgusting oaf!

I think anyone could develop OCD raising babies in the same house as such a disgusting filthy human. I am not a clean freak by any means but if my DH did that nose thing I’d leave on the spot and never look back.