DP called me pathetic and is sleeping on the sofa

[ByOchreFish]

I am 3 months postpartum and struggling with contamination OCD, I’m nowhere near as bad as I was after having DD (washing bedding every day etc) but I still struggle and I understand I’m probably difficult to live with.

Our house is messy, I’m not constantly cleaning or anything like that but my main fears are outside germs inside the house and I have some things I ask DP to do such as taking shoes off at the door, showering every evening, not lying on the bed in clothes that have been outside, once the kids are washed and in pyjamas not to touch them until he’s washed (probably the most unreasonable) and I feel he deliberately does these things every single day anyway then pretends he’s forgotten

I feel DP often does things to deliberately wind me up in regards to germs but it’s not a joke to me, I really struggle and I’m overwhelmed and in tears regularly about contamination fears and it takes over my life and I’m miserable. I understand he’s probably fed up with it but he doesn’t want me to go on medication that previously helped me because I’m breastfeeding.

I don’t feel he’s very understanding and he does things like blow his nose into the sink every day and leave it there, leave used tooth picks and cotton buds in the bathroom every single day, today I found dried bogies in the car where he’d picked his nose and wiped his finger, won’t clean the toilet with a brush when there’s poo in there.

Ive probably been hard to be around today as I’ve made a few comments about uncleanliness and germs but we were in bed and he deliberately put his finger up his nose and then wiped his finger on my pillow. I didn’t get annoyed and just put the pillow in the laundry basket. DP starts getting annoyed and tells me to take the pillow back, said I’m being pathetic and that I’m pathetic and it was a joke and if I don’t take the pillow back he’s going to sleep on the sofa. I said I’m not going to sleep on the pillow and he’s now gone to the sofa.

AIBU to be really hurt at being called pathetic? I’m really trying my best

I would divorce a man who wiped bogies in my car or wiped a snotty finger on my pillow - and I'm not kidding. That is so disgusting, I could never be attracted to him again.
Have you spoken to your midwife/health visitor about your post-partum OCD? It's very, very understandable and stems from a wish to protect your very vulnerable babies, but I hope you're seeking help for this, as it is extreme and impacting your life and health.

You are both being unreasonable but you have the excuse of being post partum and unwell

I know I am, I don’t enjoy it I’m utterly miserable but he doesn’t want me to go on the medication that helped me previously and instead said he’d be more understanding. I made a GP appointment anyway as I could feel it getting worse and got a prescription but DP insisted I don’t take it

And absolutely fuck that! This is your health - take the medication. He doesn't have a say?!

Firstly you’re not alone. This type of OCD is quite common after having a baby.

Mothers are also hardwired to protect the baby they just birthed.

Your dp is disgraceful calling you pathetic over this. His behaviour is disgraceful as well - my kids are adults, not babies, and would be cross if cooked meat was put on a plate that raw meat had been on. It’s just straight up stupidity. He should be helping you get through this part, not making it worse. What a bastard.

You will be ok - this is a horrible phase and IMO, breastfeeding severely aggravates it. The hormones are really powerful. I don’t suggest that you stop breastfeeding, I suggest that you tell yourself (out loud or internally when they happen) that most of the things that are terrorising you are not going to harm your kids and that your body is on hyper alert due to them being little and breastfeeding.

He is a dirty bird and cruel to you.
Being around hoarders and dirty people triggers my germ OCD but amazingly it calms down when I'm not around people like that
I didn't get to that place though without treatment and medication
Did your GP specifically say you cannot take that medication you are prescribed while breastfeeding or is that something your dirty bird partner made up?

Who are these pathetic man children wiping their bogies on partners pillow - inexcusable beyond the age of 4...!

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, but you need urgent help from your GP, health visitor and Perimental Health Team. Please contact your GP tomorrow morning and request an urgent appointment.

You’re not pathetic, you’re unfortunately ill and need support. Your husband isn’t being unreasonable by touching the children after they’ve had a bath/shower and having outside clothes on the bed. None of these things will harm you. I promise.

However, his habits such as leaving snot in the sink, toothpicks laying round and dried bogies is absolutely foul and I wouldn’t stand for that.

He cannot tell you not to go on medication. It’s not his decision. It’s between you and your doctor what your treatment entails.

You need to be able to have a discussion without getting upset or angry at each other and come to a compromise. He should be more considerate and should recognise you’re ill and struggling right now. And you also need to recognise when you’re being unreasonable, but I appreciate you’re struggling and will not be able to think rationally with this severity of anxiety and OCD. Which is why you need to see your doctor urgently.

You sound like you are struggling mentally but he sounds like an abusive bullying arsehole.

i notice you said you were on medication previously but HE doesn’t want you to take it just now because you’re breastfeeding. If your GP has confirmed it’s safe while breastfeeding is ignore your DH tbh.
HE doesnt get a say what you put in YOUR body so he can f*ck off.

if he complains about that you can explain that the reason you’re in medication for your mental health is at least partly down to his childish, immature behaviour

He doesn't want you to take medication? Who the hell gave him authority over you? he deliberately exacerbates your fears with his own disgusting behaviour, he's gaslighting Op, you are probably in no position to leave or get him to leave right now, but if at all possible get right away from this man and stay away, he's harming you Op .

He’s gross! I’m no MN clean freak, but leaving stuff in the sink and then the bogies - VOM!! And to deliberately upset and distress you - absolute cockwomble.

He also doesn’t get to decided on ANY medical issue to do with your body - that’s controlling. Take your meds.

Im sorry but he's disgusting. There are two things going on here, your OCD which you need support with and you have a frankly dirty husband. What's truly horrible is that he continues to do those things when he knows how upset you are generally. That's worse than him being unhygienic. Never mind sleeping on the sofa, he should be sleeping about seven million miles away in his own dirty premises where he can't torture his wife.

Oh my goodness, 11% actually said you were unreasonable?? Who are these bogie-wipe lovers? 😂. Sorry your DP is an an asshole OP.

Why doesn’t your DP want you taking the medication?

He is disgusting.

You are right about washing hands before touching kids btw.

Why are you with him? His behaviour is harming you. He is abusing you.

At first I was on his side, thinking it must be hard to live with the no touching the kids rule for example… but than you started explaining the bogies, pop in the toilet, wiping bogies on a pillow… this is not ok, it’s absolutely disgusting and outrageous. Is he doing these things to piss you off deliberately, because that’s down right cruel if he knows you have a mental health issue and also won’t allow you to take meds and also makes it worse by deliberately doing things to make it worse, I mean no one can not allow you to choose what medication you take, that’s up to you, not him, breast feeding or not, he’s not the one breastfeeding is he.

I think you both need some help with this from outside

My standards of domestic cleanliness are low, really low and even I think he's a filthy bastard.

Is this your first child? I just ask because I know it is so very difficult, so overwhelming, even if you don't have OCD.But the way he is behaving is not something I would tolerate. I am not OCD in any way.

It's a really strange way for someone to behave. Do you think he wants out? Do you think he is (consciously or unconsciously) trying to engineer an end to the relationship in a way that he wouldn't have to admit to himself actually he's the bad guy here? Do you think you might cope better without him?

What came first - your OCD or his gross behaviour?

If it was your OCD, did he have acceptable/normal standards of hygiene and cleanliness before you became ill?

Oh, for fucks sake, get over yourself.

There are far more important things to be worrying about than a few harmless germs.

< Mr ByOchreFish has joined the chat >

I've already posted twice here, but I just wanted to re-iterate, I am by no means a clean freak and your partner's behaviour would send me over the edge. How disgusting for a partner to behave like that when he knows you have OCD?
Now, I know there are many people of the belief that you shouldn't "pander" to the OCD - but my god, if that's what he's doing, he's taking it to the extreme.
I'm not sure that you can look after your own mental health while he's there doing this to you, and preventing you from taking meds.

OP, please take the medicine your GP has prescribed. If they have prescribed it knowing you are breastfeeding then it is safe to take. Your DP is clearly pretty dim when it comes to germs and all things medical, you do not need to obey him on this (or on anything!)

I too wonder which came first, the OCD or the pig behaviour? Some of your rules are obviously not necessary as you know, but some of the things he does are just disgusting and sound deliberate. I would be curious to know whether he has ramped up the unhygienic behaviour to wind you up, all the while insisting you don’t take the prescribed medication and that he will “support” you.

If you need anti depressants to help with your OCD then get some from your GP
If you're BF then stop. Your MH comes first.
Your partner has no empathy for you.
Time he grew up or leaves

I don’t have OCD and would not live with him. However hard it is to live with your condition, turning to doing disgusting things to further wind you up or make some point shows you who he is. A petty and disgusting man-baby. Please seek out help for the ocd though.

He’s disgusting OP and has no respect for you. Why are you with this total wanker?

Some of the stuff you’ve listed is disgraceful in any circumstances, OCD or no-OCD.

I imagine that complying with requests that someone doesn’t consider rational can be exhausting, but you have an illness, and he should be offering support, not deliberately causing you anxiety.

Lets hope from the sofa that his next move is out the front door.

All the best and look after yourself.