DP called me pathetic and is sleeping on the sofa

[ByOchreFish]

I am 3 months postpartum and struggling with contamination OCD, I’m nowhere near as bad as I was after having DD (washing bedding every day etc) but I still struggle and I understand I’m probably difficult to live with.

Our house is messy, I’m not constantly cleaning or anything like that but my main fears are outside germs inside the house and I have some things I ask DP to do such as taking shoes off at the door, showering every evening, not lying on the bed in clothes that have been outside, once the kids are washed and in pyjamas not to touch them until he’s washed (probably the most unreasonable) and I feel he deliberately does these things every single day anyway then pretends he’s forgotten

I feel DP often does things to deliberately wind me up in regards to germs but it’s not a joke to me, I really struggle and I’m overwhelmed and in tears regularly about contamination fears and it takes over my life and I’m miserable. I understand he’s probably fed up with it but he doesn’t want me to go on medication that previously helped me because I’m breastfeeding.

I don’t feel he’s very understanding and he does things like blow his nose into the sink every day and leave it there, leave used tooth picks and cotton buds in the bathroom every single day, today I found dried bogies in the car where he’d picked his nose and wiped his finger, won’t clean the toilet with a brush when there’s poo in there.

Ive probably been hard to be around today as I’ve made a few comments about uncleanliness and germs but we were in bed and he deliberately put his finger up his nose and then wiped his finger on my pillow. I didn’t get annoyed and just put the pillow in the laundry basket. DP starts getting annoyed and tells me to take the pillow back, said I’m being pathetic and that I’m pathetic and it was a joke and if I don’t take the pillow back he’s going to sleep on the sofa. I said I’m not going to sleep on the pillow and he’s now gone to the sofa.

AIBU to be really hurt at being called pathetic? I’m really trying my best

He sounds like a fucking zoo animal, dogs are better house trained than this. I honestly couldn't live with such a disgusting creature. I'm sure its not easy to live with someone who has OCD, but no one would want to live with this. His parents must be so ashamed, I would be.

Leaving snot in the sink is disgusting. Tell him to use tissues and bin them like everyone else. He is being unking and unhelpful which will not help you take control of your OCD. See your GP for some help. Meanwhile, point out that normal hygiene is a courtesy that your DP should employ.

She's not being ridiculous, she has a mental health condition for fuck sake, and HE doesn't want her to take her medication for it.

It sounds as if you are not compatible- but you definitely sound like you need help via therapy with that OCD, it sounds pretty heavy duty.

Not touching the children in outdoor clothes is ridiculous. Regardless of why she's being ridiculous, it's still unreasonable to expect others to follow that rule.

I think we all unanimously agree that he is a prick and she can do better but that's not what she asked.

Hi @ByOchreFish

I too suffer with diagnosed OCD. I have a few different types including contamination OCD. It’s extremely difficult and very upsetting, even with a supportive partner. I can’t imagine if my husband was being a dick to me as well.

Anyway, I’ve tried everything and recently swapped from Sertraline to Fluoxetine. The difference has been amazing. I feel so much more relaxed and happier. I’m having fewer intrusive thoughts and don’t have to carry out my compulsions. I was also given propranolol for when it gets really bad, but to be honest I don’t feel I need it now. CBT was useless for me. ERP is supposed to be better but it’s so hard to get.

Im not making excuses for your husband because he’s being quite horrible. But, I know living with someone with OCD can be really trying and frustrating and it sounds like he’s struggling to deal with it too.

Fingers crossed you find something that helps soon.

I have contamination OCD and I try my hardest to not make it an issue for those I live with. My partner knows to wash his hands more frequently than he otherwise would do.. I tell my son's to wash their hands after the toilet and also when the middle one comes in from playing. My eldest is a teenager and honestly he's a bit grim but I try not to get on his case about it. I wipe my toddlers hands etc and always carry the blue clinell wipes or antibacterial hand wipes everywhere I go.

I use gloves when I clean/prepare food, the disposable latex ones. Mine was triggered by the relentless almost hypnotic 'wash your hands' campaign during COVID. Prior to that I was fine.

Thats like saying "not walking to the shops is ridiculous, even if you are in a wheelchair". She cant help it, it is a medical condition and if he found it so unbearable, he wouldn't be trying to persuade her not to take her medication.

Hi,

Ive got a GP appointment for next week and have requested Sertraline as I’ve read that’s safer when breastfeeding. I do have a box of Propranalol that the GP prescribed when I called up when I was pregnant but I never took it, I am co sleeping so I’m not sure if it’s ok to take but I’ll ask next week

I’m so glad things are better for you now, do you have to stay on the medication indefinitely?

thank you for being so understanding

You are not being unreasonable and your husband is a disgusting pig for wiping his nose on your pillow, and the rest! Many years ago we had a classmate banned from the school library for a week because they kept picking their nose and wiping it on sofas. And this was a child! Your husband is a grown 'man' exhibiting toddler behaviour. It's quite sick really when he knows you have OCD.

Of all the things you listed, most of it is basic hygiene and I don't think you are unreasonable. The every day bed washing and not touching the kids would be challenging for someone who doesn't see germs like you do with OCD, but if you're dirty you don't go contaminating clean things so I understand your thinking.

Leave this animal on the sofa. I note you said he doesn't want you to take medication whilst breastfeeding. Your health must come first. You are managing but you shouldn't have to struggle. He is just being disgusting and has no excuse. I hope you can get some help soon and honestly most people couldn't be with someone exhibiting the behaviours of your husband.

I think part of the nuance youve missed is that @ByOchreFish has an actual mental health diagnosis. This is not merely a preference. People focus on the compulsions of OCD often - the need to wash / request to not touch the children until he has washed. But the obsessive thoughts are often intrusive ones, deeply disturbing ones which is why the compulsions start in the first place. Typically it’s something like - “something awful will happen to my child unless I shower 3 times” - which is completely irrational of course but lots of aspects of mental health illness are.

And also massive thing you’ve missed that OP is upset about this and wants help and to get better - her partner is refusing her help because she is breastfeeding.

Hi, no you don’t have to stay on the medication, but I probably will. OCD is horrific. My son suffers with moral scrupulousity also known as moral OCD and it’s very cruel. His mind loops and loops with judgement of himself. He’s also just starting to take Fluoxetine after a few really awful years and is starting to feel better. The thing is that it’s a bit like the weight loss jabs. Once you stop, if you haven’t done the work (ERP) it’ll likely eventually come back. Plus there’s also a genetic component which is inescapable. For us, OCD is intolerable so I won’t want to chance it again. I’ve never felt better. Sertraline I didn’t like, but obviously it’s different for everyone. I hope it works for you.

OP, my sister in law is (more or less as I don’t live with either her or you) like you and she’s made it really hard for her kids to enjoy life. Please please please make sure that you don’t reach all that to your kids. They will come to realise that you made it very hard for them.
As for your husband, has he changed only after you developed your phobias? Or was he not washing his hands and picking his nose before kids as well?

Check with the Breastfeeding Network drugs in breastmilk service as to what's safe, you would be surprised at how much is

Drugs in Breastmilk factsheets - The Breastfeeding Network https://share.google/wPBlvcVEOGqJSiqB2

Hi OP

I am very pro co sleeping (following the safe sleep guidance, before anyone comes at me) and breastfeeding, but please don't rule out medication for them. Your baby will benefit from your health and happiness even more. 💕

Bless you op I had pnd one of the most terrifying things I ever experienced. I left it way too long to get help, it very nearly took my life. I’m glad you’re getting help now

OCD is never gone but it can be minimised.
If he was just frustrated and couldn't cope, that would be understandable.
He seems to actively be nasty.
That's not on.
Some of the things like not touching the children are unreasonable, even the toilet thing is borderline OK-it is a loo after all- the snot business is just yuck.
Awful and nauseating.

I dare say if he were gone and with appropriate treatment things could be brought to manageable levels though never gone.

Stress makes OCD worse that's for sure.

Fluoxetine is much better targeted drug for obsessive thinking. Sertraline is for general anxiety and it was prescribed for a friend (who struggles with rigidity and control) and she actually got a lot worse for the year she was on it. I was speaking to my therapist about my friend. My therapist is a consultant clinical psychologist and told me fluoxetine is better for OCD, eating disorders, obsessive thinking. It’s also a lot easier to come off. If fluoxetine has helped you before I would stick with it again

Sorry to sound prescriptive, it was really hard watching my friend struggle

I also just wanted to say his reaction is so cruel, taunting you but then refusing you from taking medication? My DH has OCD for contamination which plays up when he’s stressed. He won’t really acknowledge he has it but it is a problem (eg he starts dismantling the taps saying the water has been contaminated and all these water filtering systems come out, and no matter what he does the taste doesn’t change. I’m also treated like a contamination factor which is frustrating for me). Sometimes I don’t follow his system / rules as I’m tired and it’s a faff but only when I think he won’t know if I have or not. I would never deliberately taunt him. The pillow incident…

Im so sorry and glad you are getting some support from your GP and on this thread xxx