DP called me pathetic and is sleeping on the sofa

[ByOchreFish]

I am 3 months postpartum and struggling with contamination OCD, I’m nowhere near as bad as I was after having DD (washing bedding every day etc) but I still struggle and I understand I’m probably difficult to live with.

Our house is messy, I’m not constantly cleaning or anything like that but my main fears are outside germs inside the house and I have some things I ask DP to do such as taking shoes off at the door, showering every evening, not lying on the bed in clothes that have been outside, once the kids are washed and in pyjamas not to touch them until he’s washed (probably the most unreasonable) and I feel he deliberately does these things every single day anyway then pretends he’s forgotten

I feel DP often does things to deliberately wind me up in regards to germs but it’s not a joke to me, I really struggle and I’m overwhelmed and in tears regularly about contamination fears and it takes over my life and I’m miserable. I understand he’s probably fed up with it but he doesn’t want me to go on medication that previously helped me because I’m breastfeeding.

I don’t feel he’s very understanding and he does things like blow his nose into the sink every day and leave it there, leave used tooth picks and cotton buds in the bathroom every single day, today I found dried bogies in the car where he’d picked his nose and wiped his finger, won’t clean the toilet with a brush when there’s poo in there.

Ive probably been hard to be around today as I’ve made a few comments about uncleanliness and germs but we were in bed and he deliberately put his finger up his nose and then wiped his finger on my pillow. I didn’t get annoyed and just put the pillow in the laundry basket. DP starts getting annoyed and tells me to take the pillow back, said I’m being pathetic and that I’m pathetic and it was a joke and if I don’t take the pillow back he’s going to sleep on the sofa. I said I’m not going to sleep on the pillow and he’s now gone to the sofa.

AIBU to be really hurt at being called pathetic? I’m really trying my best

He did see the problem, he just enjoys abusing you.

You do get that he is, actually, disgusting and dirty and unhygienic by all reasonable standards, not just yours? It's not YOU it's absolutely him.

Your own issues aside, any normal person would find his habits frankly disgusting.

Omg he is DISGUSTING

If my DH had done ANY of those things I would read him the riot act! The snot on thr pillow is unbelievable. I would have kicked him out to the sofa for that alone.

Good grief woman you CAN kick off for all of the above.

I was reading this thinking you needed help but now I am not so sure. Your partner is sabotaging you. On purpose. This is incredibly cruel, and might well count as abusive. He is certainly trying to hurt your mental health.

I thought you were going to say he sometimes forgets to wash his hands or lies on the bed.

Please talk to your GP and be honest about your husband's behaviour.

And also - your bloody husband doesn't get to decide what medications you are on. I am breastfeeding and am on 2 medications for my mental health, and painkillers for severe pain. I have a happy and healthy child - and children need happy mums too. There are lots of medications that are safe for breastfeeding and have large datasets showing them to be so.

Please see your GP as soon as possible.

So he knows you are ill, knows that there is a treatment that will help you not to be ill but doesnt want you to take it?

Sounds like he wants an excuse to leave and say "She is crazy, its not my fault, I had to leave".

If a GP prescribed you medication, know you are breast feeding, then it is safe to take. This is all on your husband trying to create a narrative around you and your illness. Your illness and him deliberately triggering you are connected but separate. He is using your illness against you.

Well, he isn’t being more understanding is he? I assume the gp has said the medicine is safe - if so tell dp he said he’d be more understanding and instead he’s deliberately trying to upset you, so you’re going back on it. If he is unhappy he can look in the mirror and ask himself why he’s an asshole to his partner. I’d also ask him if his friends know he doesn’t wash his hands after going to the toilet and mixes raw meat and cooked, because if he kills you all his friends should know it’s because he’s disgusting. Because he is. I appreciate you do need support with a genuine condition, but also he’s disgusting.

As extreme as you are in one direction, he goes to the opposite extreme.
Absolutely not justifying it but he is probably that pissed off with your issues that he is being deliberately belligerent.

Keeping your kids extremely clean, unless they are immunosuppressed, isn't great.
They need to be exposed to every day germs to build immunity.

You need help before you impact their lives, they will feed off and respond to your anxiety.

@ByOchreFish I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time. It definitely sounds like you’re not well even if better than last time, you owe it to yourself and your kids to optimise your mental health. I hope that doesn’t come across as a guilt trip but respectfully who gives a fuck what he thinks about the medication. It’s your body and your choice. You can have an honest discussion with your GP and perinatal mental health team about the benefits and the risks and make an informed decision based on that. It doesn’t sound like you’re plugged into the mental health team and from what you’re saying things are quite severe. Please access the help you need. The MBBRACE report which looks at maternal deaths show that most deaths happen in the year after a child is born and the second leading cause of death is suicide, usually due to pre-existing poor mental health which gets worse, at the same time that services often are less intensive with their support.

I say all this to say please please please access help for your mental health first and foremost. This isn’t a question of someone being a bit of a neat freak and someone being a bit of messy. Your partner sounds extremely unsupportive at best and vile/ abusive at worst. He doesn’t seem to understand your mental health condition at all and from what you’re saying things describe is goading you. I would personally tackle one thing at a time and urgently get support for your mental health and then consider speaking to someone like women’s aid about his behaviour etc. It might also be useful to consider talking therapies with him as it may be that how you both experience things are very different and with a counsellor that can be addressed - but counselling with an abusive partner is also not advised which is why I think women’s aid would be useful

You are NOT pathetic, OP. You are just suffering from possible postpartum mental health issues, by the sound of it. You should call someone from your care team and tell them what's happening. And your stupid husband needs to be clued in about postpartum mental health.

It's very common to have some MH issues after having a baby. Some people's brains are more sensitive to the enormous hormonal fluctuations during and after birth than others. It's NOT your fault. And it's as much a physical issue as is diabetes or flu. Hugs xxxx

P.S. I would ask your doctor, when you see them, if they have any leaflets or info about postpartum mental health that your husband could read. He really needs educating.

It tugs at my heartstrings to think of a new mum struggling with these issues being called pathetic. That's the last thing you are.

Hopefully when your husband realises that the postpartum period is a real flashpoint for MH issues, he'll be more understanding.

I’m sorry but he sounds disgusting, in addition to being completely disrespectful of your condition. He sounds awful.

How can you stay with this total wankfox after this sort of behaviour? I'd be planning to get rid. Bogies and so on, is he 12?

Nope. Only an animal hawks snot into a sink or onto a pillow and wipes their filthy mucus all over someone's car.

He's disgusting, abusive filth and no amount of irritation would ever cause anybody even close to normal to behave like this pigman.

I won't lie - I would find your behaviour very annoying too and there would doubtless be a point at which I'd have had enough of it. But fucking hell he sounds disgusting, and an arsehole to boot.

While it is true that OCD can be hard to live with, he's being deliberately nasty. You can't help your OCD; he can help being a mean arsehole.

What a nasty, nasty man he is. I totally sympathise with you OP, as am similar about stuff. You have enough to cope with without this vile, unsupportive partner. You must feel trapped between the OCD problems and him making it all worse and even more stressful. I would seriously consider that would life better without him.💗