Nursery feedback at pick up

[sarah0106]

wee ones been at nursery just short of 2 months.
he’s a very strong willed, which can be a struggle, there’s times at home where he needs a firm raised voice which nursery were made aware of. He can become overstimulated/overwhelemed at home when we have visitors or if there’s too much happening ie tv on a lot of toys out. I find the best way of dealing with these situations is bringing it all back in turning tv off having a tidy up and some stories or a wee game of something.
nursery were made aware of this.
I think in the 2 months he’s been he’s had one good handover.
it’s always oh he’s been overstimulated easily today and took a lot of talking down because he wasn’t listening or he was running about loads overwhelmed but wouldn’t listen to us. I’m not really sure what I am expected to do? AiBU to say there the “experts” and no 2 children are the same?

I feel like it’s going to jsut turn into a terrible 2 years and I’m worried there’s never any positive feedback at handover which makes me feel like a completely shit parent

Are they supposed to lie to you? They're giving you feedback, and as a parent you want to listen. Worst case scenario, it could add up to a point where you need to seek a diagnosis for SEN and this will help paint a picture.

It could also be telling you that this nursery is not the right set up.

My 2.5 year old is quite a sensitive soul and likes quiet time so we picked a nursery with very small classes for him and better than average teacher - children ratio. It's more expensive and inconvenient (they close for 6 weeks of the year) but the set up is much better for him.

Alternatively, a child.minder that only has a few children would be better too.

How many are in his room? Is it the right setting for him? For our first we intentionally chose a small preschool with very limited numbers because of similar over stimulation and overwhelm. This really helped, especially as it was Montessori where they encouraged a tidy calm environment and even had a calm corner.

No I don’t expect them to lie: but to be told nothing positive he’s done or been doing and to focus only on the negatives.

So a child that struggles with listening and following instructions more than most their age, and struggles with noisy environments and lots going on is at nursery - a setting that’s notorious for being all of those things. Isnt having easy straight forward days?

Seems fairly predictable.

Hopefully he’ll adjust with time.

Maybe it’s my own parental anxiety, but I feel like it’s all very negative feedback. I do understand he can be a handful when he’s overstimulated. But surely he’s not the only one ever to start in a nursery who’s been like this 😭

The days he’s in there’s 19 max between 2 large spacious rooms

Do they get much outdoors time?

I'd assume he's been an absolute nightmare for them and this is their way of telling you that

You're right OP. I would feed them back exactly this: you've had only negative handovers since you started and need them to be clear.
Is his behaviour completely out of line with expectations for his age and are they concerned about diet, home environment or SEN? If so can they be specific?

If not can they be mindful of not being so negative as it's getting to you? Ask them to share the positives also.

Our nursery is super positive but on the rare occasions I've heard them give someone negative feedback they always word it carefully.

My son had similar feedback for a while and I dreaded pick ups. I worried they thought I didn’t discipline him properly, but when I asked what they did when he was naughty, they said had a cuddle with staff and went to the sensory corner… which was basically a reward 🙈

Little boys are different to little girls, they seem to have a dodgy stage between 2-5-3.5 and then turn a corner. He isn’t being violent though and that’s the main thing, and tbh what 2 year old DOES listen etc?

Anyway we were just consistent at home with his consequences if he was naughty but gave lots of cuddles etc if we could tell he was just overexcited/tired, happy to report he’s now nearly 4 and SO much better, we rarely get any complaints now.

I’ve got a meeting coming up next week, so I’m going to mention that I feel it’s always so negative and it’s giving me anxiety that I’m gonna parenting all wrong and my child’s a nightmare.

he’s very much in a good routine at home, can be fussy with food sometimes but over all eats well

You may need to specifically ask for positives or if things are improving. Probably best as a planned meeting rather than handover which tends to be busy.

If there’s an app or log book that is often where the routine info is, handovers more by exception.

Maybe a childminder would be better, a different vibe from a nursery?

I wouldn’t be happy with this either OP. I had a similar run of negative feedback with my eldest and it is completely demoralising and upsetting to hear the implication that your DC isn’t enjoying nursery or the staff are not enjoying having them there.

In my case, I called a meeting with them and asked outright if they thought he had additional needs and if I needed to pursue a diagnosis with the HV/GP and what the nursery can put in place to support him. It got much better after that and everyone seemed to work together. I later found out my DS’s key worker was autistic herself and could be a little blunt on handovers.

If you speak to them and nothing changes I would look at moving settings.

That's a lot. In my DS' nursery there are max 10 children between 2 rooms and 3 teachers at all times (5 children and 1 teacher in each and a helper that goes between rooms). Mine wouldn't cope with a bigger, louder, busier environment like that either.

I think you need to listen to the feedback and consider moving him.

Sounds like it's not the right nursery for him. Has he any sens.

They should aim to give some positive feedback too . But you have to be realistic they won’t have capacity to give him lots of attention/behaviour management. He might benefit from a smaller environment

@sarah0106 hate to say it, but they are trying to tell you you’re child’s a nightmare. They want you to sort it out somehow.

Maybe because you've told them he has these issues at home and you're aware of them/are working on them, nursery think they're being helpful. And in a way it is helpful, but I agree it's nice to have both sides of the coin.

Perhaps tomorrow you could ask what he's enjoying or if he's making friends ... Just something to get a bit more balance in the feedback.

Editing to add: when I was trying to get my daughter to give up her dummy when she turned three it was all I heard about for a couple of weeks until she got the hang of it and the "dummy fairy" came. How many times she asked for it. How many times she cried for it. How long she went without it. What triggered the requests.
They were just trying to help with an issue they knew we were working on, but I remember wishing I could have some feedback about her day that wasn't just about being a paci-addict! 😂

How old is he?

You're paying them so I'd let them suck it up.

I had something similar, not identical but similar and I would just do the same to them, so when I'd drop mine off I'd say something like "oh she hasn't been listening this morning or she wouldn't go to sleep last night so she's really grumpy today"