Permanent distance from toxic sister and enabling elderly parents. Anyone else?

[Itsenoughuntilitsnot]

I’m looking for some support and advice from anyone who has had to walk away from a mess of a family.

My sister is 53 and a total nightmare to deal with. She has a history of heavy addiction, a violent criminal record for assault, and a pattern of getting sacked from jobs and then launching malicious harassment campaigns against her old employers. Over the last thirty years, my elderly parents have completely enabled her. They’ve funded her lifestyle, bailed her out of trouble, and even helped her buy houses all of which she systematically lost or remortgaged to buy drugs.

She’s currently off work again with 'stress' and living back with them rent-free while suing her current job. My parents are completely brainwashed by it all. They are justifying why she has received formal legal warnings about her behavior and are actually planning to buy her yet another house.

I’m 51 and I’ve spent my entire adult life treading on eggshells and going along with the narrative that everything is normal to keep everyone happy. Last month, I finally hit my absolute limit. To protect my own sanity, I sent her a brief text wishing her well, blocked her number, and told my parents I’m stepping away from her situations for good.

Predictably, my parents have turned on me. They’re angry, saying I have something wrong with me, and they don't understand why I'm doing this. I’m currently dealing with a massive emotional hangover and waves of delayed anger about decades of her awful behaviour.

Has anyone else had to go non-contact with a sibling while their parents stayed totally blind to it? How do you stop feeling guilty and keep sane when everyone tries to make you out to be the one in the wrong?

Yes my brother is an appalling human being, a predator and his parents enable, protect and refuse any accountability for him in spite of the fact some of his victims are other children of theirs.

Like you I’m the problem.

Dysfunctional families are a gift that keeps giving.

My boundary is NC with all of them.

Ok what do you get from this relationship. Imagine these are people who live at the other end of the street...you'd have nothing to do with them. Clearly your parents will never accept your sister is a knob. It's too late.

If your husband treated you like this you'd divorce. Walk away and protect yourself

They’re hitting out at you because they’re probably as exhausted as you are (probably more given their age!). I get you have to step away from her but just sad they have to lose you over it

I cut contact with my awful brother in similar circumstances. As far as my parents were concerned he was a lovely person who kept ending up in difficulties through no fault of his own. He was not a nice person at all and the more they gave the more he expected and the worse his behaviour became. Everything was, of course, someone else's fault and he was always the hero or the victim (often both). My parents always expected me to jump to help with whatever he wanted and always believed his lies. There was a lot of emotional blackmail ('it's so hard for us, if you won't do it for him please do it for us etc'). I cut contact with him when I had a family of my own and didn't want them dragged in to it, or to see me being controlled and treated badly.

My parents reacted very badly and even decades later they still hold that I was absolutely in the wrong. He died as a result of alcoholism and history has been completely rewritten. I do not regret my decision at all. At first I felt guilty for (as I saw it) leaving my parents to deal with it all without my help. But their unpleasant reaction to me actually made me feel less so and over time it the guilt disappeared and became more a sort of sadness and anger. As for sanity, that's harder. It's very difficult when people you thought cared for you and will go to great lengths to support one child refuse to acknowledge that another child is being hurt and refuse to support you in protecting yourself. I found it hard to deal with the fact that the awful things my brother did and the stress they caused were treated as just a bit of a mistake but me wanting space from the chaos was treated as unforgiveable.
It has permanently changed my relationship with my parents. Or at least changed my perception of the relationship and made me question if it was ever what I grew up thinking it was. But even now, years after his death, my only regrets are not cutting contact with him sooner and not limiting contact with my parents further when they refused to support my decision. If I'd done as they wanted I would have put myself and my children in danger and wasted a huge amount of energy, time and money being caught up in his chaos.

I haven't been in your situation so I can't give you any advice from that perspective. But how would you feel about going NC/very LC with your parents too? You will never be able to cut your sister out completely if you still have a relationship with them. And tbh it doesn't sound like a relationship that brings you anything positive.

@Autumnalhibernationisthedream Thank you so much for this - your words have given me so much comfort and clarity today. It feels like you are holding up a mirror to my exact life.

The double standard you described is the most exhausting part. Her massive, destructive actions including severe addiction, a violent criminal record, and legal warnings for harassing employers are brushed under the carpet. Yet me setting a boundary is treated like an unforgivable crime. They are even trying to imply that I’m the one with the mental health problems just for taking a step back.

Your line about only regretting not doing it sooner has really hit home. My husband is my absolute rock, our two uni-aged kids are thriving, and I refuse to let our home be dragged into her financial and legal black hole. Thank you for showing me that walking away is the healthiest choice.

I can’t imagine that was ever going to work-your parents are too involved with your sister.

You’d either need to let her stuff wash over you and not engage/help/get involved or go the other way and just never speak to any of them

“They are even trying to imply that I’m the one with the mental health problems just for taking a step back.”

I would lean into that a bit if I’m honest. Let them think that you are the one that needs their support for a change. I imagine you won’t see any of them for dust.
At the very least it’s a good reason for you being unable to offer any support anywhere.

I can see why you'd suggest that, but having been in a similar situation I wouldn't recommend it. If they are anything like my family it would for ever be used as an excuse to minimise your concerns and ignore your boundaries ('we know you suffer with your mental health, you're just over-sensitive etc', or even worse 'Your sister suffers with stress too, you need to spend more time with us so you can help each other, you're just the same aren't you.')

I’m sorry for what you’ve both been through @whereismybike and @Itsenoughuntilitsnot 💐