Is this normal or am I going crazy ?! (A&E / resus)

[Dayslikethese2]

Just wondered if anyone can help because my brain feels so confused about all of this!

Is it normal after being a bit unwell to downplay what happened in your mind? It feels so overwhelming and scary to think about and it’s like my brain is trying so hard to tell me I was just being dramatic even though I know I was unwell!

I was already in a&e in the resus bit, I was unwell because of a heart problem but I was talking and answering questions and stuff but then my heart stopped altogether for around 30 seconds. Some people called it a very long pause and others called it a cardiac arrest so I’m honestly not sure what to call it but it stopped completely and I was given CPR, and my discharge notes mention CPR and being given resuscitation, ‘asystole for 30 seconds’ and ‘ROSC achieved’

I think the whole thing just scares me so much to think about and it feels so overwhelming. And the fact I can’t remember much before or after (the main thing I really remember after is how many people were there, and I vaguely remember hysterically crying because I was scared to get a catheter and kept refusing) but it’s like my brain feels so scared to even think about it all, so I just keep telling myself the hospital probably overreacted and I didn’t really need CPR, or that maybe I didn’t even get CPR at all because realistically I probably would have woken up from it and remembered it because aren’t chest compressions really painful? And I’m worried I was just being dramatic and just fainted and I was overreacting or being a drama queen about it and that I wasted all the doctors/nurses time for a faint.

I think the reality of what I know actually happened just scares me so much that it feels easier to convince myself it wasn’t actually that serious or that it didn’t happen. But then when I read my discharge notes it freaks me out because it makes seem so serious whereas my brain keeps saying my heart didn’t stop for that long so it wasn’t a big deal really and I’m just being dramatic and wasted their time!

Is this a normal response after something frightening/traumatic to be in denial a bit, especially when you have gaps in your memory? Or am I just going completely crazy?!

Im so sorry this happened to you?
How are you feeling now? Did you get the care and follow up you needed from the hospital?

This, in my experience is completely normal. I've had three instances of it

One, where my son was rushed for life or death surgery and I don't remember anything about it at all. I can remember every other surgery and medical appointment he's had. But not one detail about that day.

Have you people at home you can talk to or friends?
Do you have health insurance that might cover talking therapy or can you afford it?

Maybe speak to your GP, waiting lists here are ridiculous but might be better in your area.

There is definitely trauma when you can't rationalise the unexplainable. I felt the same way when I survived what should have been a fatal car accident.

You need time and space to process what you have been through.

Yes, I think so. When you have a close brush with death it really makes you think and can take some time to process.

Not every brush with death is traumatic, though. But your mind can almost whiplash from thinking "it's nothing" to "this was nearly it"

We don't live close to death now so it's harder to get used to the idea, sheer unfamiliarity means it's hard to get to grips with.

You can adjust in time though. But I think once you really know you're mortal, your perspective on quite a few things changes.

That’s not a bit unwell. That’s sick as fuck. I wonder if you’re minimising because it’s uncomfortable to face how serious it was.

ROSC: the heart starts pumping blood on its own again. You have been seriously ill and almost died. Be kind to yourself.

i have had many visits to resus, had CPR & almost been on life support a couple of times. Very very traumatic. It’s a lot to process. Really changed my outlook on life & perception of things. Ultimately I was diagnosed with PTSD & have since had counselling to help me process things. Take time to look after yourself. It had quite an effect on my immediate family too.

Yeah I think it’s just really hard to process it all and it feels so overwhelming so it’s like my brain keeps trying to minimise it by telling me maybe I was being dramatic or maybe they got it wrong somehow and I was actually fine. I hate the thought of wasting anyone’s time or being overdramatic so I think that’s what my brain keeps worrying about and the fact I can’t remember it doesn’t help either!

OP have you posted about this before? It seems familiar. I think at the time you didn’t have your notes and you were hoping that requesting them would help give you some closure. Apols if not you, but if it IS you then it’s perfectly okay to seek further support for this - you’ve been through a massively distressing experience. 💐

Most ED doctors would be happy to talk through events with patients and families after such an experience. You can contact the ED secretaries or the Patient Advice and Liaison Service (PALS) to arrange.

I find when a 'big thing' happens it takes the brain a while to catch up. A bit like when someone dies and you remember all over again. It's hard to switch modes from Normal to Serious. It's why we talk about denial with grief.

I think that's a very normal response to something as traumatic as that. Also, it's not unusual for people to have gaps in their memory of an incident where their heart stopped. Your brain doesn't perform normally when you have no heartbeat and are deprived of oxygen, so it's quite common to have blanks.

A friend of mine had to be resuscitated in similar circumstances a few years ago and there are whole chunks of not only that night but also the weeks proceeding it that he doesn't remember.

Yeah I guess it’ll just take time to process it. It honestly feels like my brain is in denial about it, probably because when I think about it it feels too scary and overwhelming I suppose!

Were you admitted after this event? Have you been diagnosed with any particular condition after this event or is it related to your pre existing heart condition? Were you given any medication that was purposely interfering with your heart? I know there are certain conditions where the heart has to be (very) momentarily stopped in order for it to be shocked back into rhythm.

I'd definitely start with the GP, even a quick 10 minute appointment just to have it all explained to you might help?

It always amazes me how much information patients are expected to retain after medical emergencies and surgery (my dad had a temporary catheter after planned surgery and they gave him all of the info about it whilst he was still in recovery!! He was never going to remember much!)

I wonder if getting in touch with the British heart foundation might help?
Someone to talk it though with.
Heart Helpline - speak with a cardiac nurse - BHF https://share.google/l62n8wKzBbcMe7Mi9

Yeah I was in hospital for almost a month and left with a pacer

no, they hadn’t given me any medication before it happened and I’m not on any medication either. It’s a heart issue from previous cardiac surgery I required but unfortunately it left scarring and caused a serious electrical block, and the natural pacemaker of my heart has problems too and basically gave up altogether

Yeah I’ll book an appointment with my GP to go over it. You’re right there’s definitely a lot to remember after being in hospital although I was able to get a copy of my notes and I’ve read my discharge summary which helped fill in a lot of the blanks!

I hope your dad is doing ok now!

Thank you that’s a really good idea! I’ll give them a call tomorrow

Sending you hugs. Most hospitals offer a debrief service. Write to them and ask for a debrief. They’ll understand.

It's normal for everything to feel surreal. Yes, your heart did actually stop (asystole means no heartbeat at all) and you needed CPR to get it started again. You're allowed to feel shocked and to take some time to process it.