Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not visit my MIL often after her dementia has taken hold

30 replies

Minusone · 06/10/2026 23:09

Pre dementia My MIL was openly hostile to me, said she would cut my husband from her will to avoid me getting “any of her money” said it was a good thing when I had a miscarriage amongst other nasty things, these are just examples to give you a flavour of the woman. She’s now got dementia and I’m suddenly her favourite , she forgets who my husband is and always asks for me, on the rare occasion I’ve visited she’s delighted to see me, husband and sister in law have asked me to visit more often as care home staff say she’s so much more lucid after I visit, aibu to say no? Part of me wants to be the bigger person but the main part remembers the woman despised me and made my life difficult from when I was a teenager. My children won’t have a relationship with her because of how she spoke about me. Am I being unreasonable not to visit her unless it’s super convenient and I’m literally passing her care home with my husband?

OP posts:
Error404FucksNotFound · 06/10/2026 23:12

Not at all.
It's sad that she has dementia but it doesn't change how she treated you all those years. You don't owe her anything.

Tbh I wouldn't visit at all. Shes lucky you are kinder than me.

Katflapkit · 06/10/2026 23:15

As hard as it is, would you consider doing it for your DH and your SIL especially as they have asked and it would mean a lot to them. If you feel they haven't supported you then you may feel differently.

MauriceTheMussel · 06/10/2026 23:15

Your DH and SIL are cheeky fuckers’n’all!

Shinyandnew1 · 06/10/2026 23:17

Your husband and sister in law can piss off! She was horrible to you and now they want you to visit more than you already do?! I’m impressed you go at all. Sorry but this is a them job now.

Whoops75 · 06/10/2026 23:18

I wouldn’t OP
Politely decline and don’t get into arguments about it. Just say that doesn’t work
for me on repeat, if they get shitty then see a solicitor about making them ex family, you deserve better.

seahorsessky · 06/10/2026 23:55

Dementia is awful. I would agree and try to be the bigger person, as you say. None of us would have our kids without our in-laws.
We'll all be in that situation one day, maybe.

MellowSubmarine · 07/10/2026 00:34

Katflapkit · 06/10/2026 23:15

As hard as it is, would you consider doing it for your DH and your SIL especially as they have asked and it would mean a lot to them. If you feel they haven't supported you then you may feel differently.

I’d argue that her husband asking her to regularly visit the woman who said it was a good thing that OP had a miscarriage shows that he is not that supportive.

I wouldn’t be doing this.

CherryKerry · 07/10/2026 00:54

I would do it for my DH to take the pressure off him.

I was never close to MIL as she had other favourites but when dementia kicked in, I did all her life admin and visited with DH every week or so to keep him company. I absolutely was not doing it for her benefit though even though the end result of giving up my time was effectively the same thing.

chattyness · 07/10/2026 01:04

I would do it for my husband, because it would help him no end and I love him.

If she is delighted to see you now and is nice to you when you visit, can you not put the past behind you for the short time you're there for the sake of your husband? The pressure on him right now is immense, why not try and ease it a little for his sake.It's not emotional blackmail,he needs your help & it's just the right thing to do.

patooties · 07/10/2026 01:13

Christ- OP YANBU. You reap what you sow- I’m sure your in laws and husband would like you to just move on. I couldn’t and wouldn’t. How convenient for them that she comes alive when you’ve been. She’s their mum, they need to up their game.

DH’s mum was awful to me. I’ve no issue with him using leave and family money to visit etc. but not for me. When the kids don’t want to visit either I’ll not be forcing them to (she’s not a very nice person, we don’t have the duty DH does as he desperately tries to be the favourite).

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/10/2026 01:37

The person she was is very clearly not the person she is now. She's changed out of all recognition and you're still very justifiably angry with the person she was and punishing the person she is.

It's a mess and sometimes there is no good answer. I don't know if I'd be able to see her, or not see her! Neither is therapeutic for you.

So pick the least worst. If you will feel guilty if she deteriorates, see her. If you won't, don't.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 07/10/2026 02:25

MIL was openly hostile to me, said she would cut my husband from her will to avoid me getting “any of her money” said it was a good thing when I had a miscarriage amongst other nasty things

What support did you get from your husband and SIL in the past?

OtterlyAstounding · 07/10/2026 02:39

I wouldn't bother. What's the point? You're being much nicer than you're obliged to be by visiting her at all. Frankly, I'm surprised your DH still has anything to do with her, considering she treated you so horribly for decades.

Goldencoast2 · 07/10/2026 02:55

I wouldn’t bother. After having three grandparents suffer through dementia, I’m not convinced the visits have any point even when the person has been lovely their whole life.

Bleachedjeans · 07/10/2026 03:25

Your husband and SIL are just asking you to take on a shitty job. Cheeky fuckers.

FlowerVases · 07/10/2026 03:31

No way. They can visit themselves. Would be none of my business.

2026onwardsandup · 07/10/2026 03:48

I really wouldn’t visit at all . I think from what you have said she was cruel and despicable to you . You aren’t a doll / therapy pet that can be wheeled out to suit others . I think it must also be triggering for you to see her .

i think you can support your husband in other ways . Did he stand up for you when she was abusive to you ? I think you can also demonstrate to your children that you have boundaries and it doesn’t matter that her health has now deteriorated . There are others that are caring for her and your DH and his family can visit to check in on her .

PetStuff · 07/10/2026 04:16

When she was being a cunt to you in the past, what did your husband and SIL say or do to support you? Why do they expect you to see a woman who was horrible to you just because she now got dementia. Tough shit really isn’t it. No way I’d be going to see her now ever. You reap what you sow and all that good stuff.

Spend your with people who bring positive things to your life.

shhblackbag · 07/10/2026 04:28

MellowSubmarine · 07/10/2026 00:34

I’d argue that her husband asking her to regularly visit the woman who said it was a good thing that OP had a miscarriage shows that he is not that supportive.

I wouldn’t be doing this.

Show quote history

No more needs to be said, really.

Some people with dementia were awful before they had the disease. That shouldn't just be ignored because they're now ill.

Empress13 · 07/10/2026 04:33

I wouldn’t visit just because she has dementia doesn’t change the nasty person she actually is. It’s your DH’s mother let him visit. TBH he should be supporting your decision if he cares about you the way you’ve been treated by her

RoseandGrace · 07/10/2026 06:01

Not a chance - I can quite openly admit I can hold a grudge forever dementia or no dementia!

I think the best thing is supporting your husband as best as possible but stating on repeat that visiting MIL more often then you graciously already do despite everything she did to you doesn’t work for you and you also need to maintain your own peace despite being clearly guilt tripped!

IronEverything · 07/10/2026 06:44

They're quick to ask you to do this but what were they doing all these years when she was treating you like that?

Original poster
Minusone · 07/10/2026 07:17

Thanks everyone, I’m a reformed people pleaser so it’s not easy for me to say no. My husband and Sil were supportive of me over the years- my mil also treated sil’s husband appallingly I didn’t make a fuss about the miscarriage comment as my husband was grieving too and I didn’t want to make him feel worse when I brought it up afterwards mil basically gaslit me and said she meant that it wasn’t the perfect time etc anyway eventually I just cut all emotions related to her and I didn’t even hate her in the end just pitied her for being a angry bitter woman and wasting her life lashing out at those that care about her ruining her relationships, dh and sil do visit out of duty and I’ve only ever visited if dh and I are passing to keep him company- I’ve just said I already visit as much as I can and I have my own elderly relatives to look after so can’t do any more, they are both aware of the irony of how she reacts around me now and my sil said mil once confessed I made her feel inferior. Well me as a 19 year old didn’t deliberately make a 45 year old feel that way in fact it broke my heart she clearly didn’t like me when I was so in love with her son, I’d have done anything for her approval back then but eventually realised it was not to be and sadly moved on, she’s dealt me a lot of blows over the years and I don’t feel any guilt about her, only for my husband and sil. I know they won’t be annoyed if I don’t visit more. Weirdly after what a nasty vindictive woman she’s been I still feel sorry for her but more that she’s wasted her life being bitter. I’m not doing it for karma just protecting my exhausted menopausal time I guess

OP posts:
OhMyGodSusan · 07/10/2026 07:35

Your a bigger person than me, I wouldnt be visiting her at all after all the things she said. Having dementia doesn't change who she is, deep down shes still that angry bitter old woman.

Shinyandnew1 · 07/10/2026 07:52

Does your husband know if she has written him out of her will?