How to get over anger towards ex

[Angrygrump]

Posting here for traffic.

A relationship came to an end around 6 months ago. As time has gone on, I’ve become even angrier about how my ex treated me. Time is meant to be a healer but it isn’t working out that way for me.

When I’ve had bad break ups in the past, I’ve been able to move on fairly reasonably and quickly because I always knew I was much better off without that person in my life. I was able to let go of any disappointment or angry because I always felt I could make a better future.

Now I don’t know if it’s because I’m older, and less optimistic, or if it’s perimenopause, or if it’s simply because my ex’s behaviour was so shit - I can’t get over the anger.

Can anyone share some wisdom how to get over it? It consumes so much of me every day.

That sounds rough. Anger is possibly justified if they treated you like shit. Did you have to swallow your feelings a lot in the relationship? If so maybe validate how you feel aloud to yourself, ie 'No wonder i feel this way, considering how Bob lied/cheated/belittled/abused me'.

Anger is healthy x

A large part of it I guess is because I think he is completely oblivious to how utterly disgusting his behaviour was. Being a deep avoidant, they try to rationalise everything in an irrational way that suits them. There’s been no acknowledgment, no apology.

Can you give more detail please, how long were you together, who ended it, what was rhe behaviour ?

every morning when you get dressed etc, think of your ex and say in your head or out loud

”I hope (insert name) is well and I really hope he has a good day today”

it’s sounds mad but it’s what I was taught in CBT. At first you’ll say it through gritted teeth, but as the week goes on it’ll come naturally to say it and you’ll instantly start feeling less negatively to that person.

it does work.

So he's ignorant. Disgusting. Avoidant. Irrational. A prick incapable of apology.

May I offer you a glass of fizz to go with your anger? I'd be celebrating if I were you. You didn't waste any more of your life stuck with this utter twat.

You don't need an apology from an utter twat. His loss.

@Angrygrumpi hear you! I was blindsided by an avoidant. I actually saw a really helpful vid that was saying covert narcs/avoidance is a form of abuse and it can take your brain and body a long time to process that. Sometimes things randomly pop up that you might have suppressed while in the relationship. That’s certainly happening for me. I thought I was weird because I feel like I should have moved on by now but I’ve been angry, sad, disbelieving etc all at different stages and then they come back again. the therapist video was saying you end up grieving so many facets of the person he was and who you were that all the different griefs don’t move in a linear way, it can be very up and down. There was also a helpful medium article linked on here that highlighted similarities between living through it and PTSD. I felt quite validated. I’ll try to tag you in it. Basically accept how you are feeling because it’s how you feel, and you’ll be over it when you are over it.

This was the thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5583545-the-concept-of-discard-an-interesting-theory-on-partners-who-abandon-relationships-and-rewrite-history?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

i don’t know if you had a discard from your avoidant, but it might still be worth a read. The psychology behind it is interesting. Experiencing a relationship with an avoidant is on another level however it ended

My previous relationship was abusive. I've now married but I am still angry with my ex for his controlling and manipulative behaviour, his lying and for ripping me off for thousands. It took me years to make any kind of sense of it. His most recent partner has thrown him out and I'm delighted he's on his own back in his shitty flat.