Low effort in laws

[LoftyRaven]

Does anyone have any tips on how to manage low effort in laws? They never initiate contact with us and see our children only when we ask/make arrangements. I have asked for help a few times (my mum died shortly before I had my kids so we don't have much support), and although they did agree to help, it felt like I was being a burden and it was very inconvenient. I feel generally a anxious around them and try to avoid expecting anything. I am so conscious of not damaging my husbands relationship with them. He knows how I feel and agrees the relationship is transactional and always has been (even in his childhood). Thanks

Don’t initiate contact, don’t count on them and don’t worry about them or about your DH’s relationship with them.

If they have always been this way , it's unlikely they will change . Remain on polite terms but just be aware that you can not rely on them for support. You will have to seek out other arrangements, even paid childcare . Leave your DH to deal with his people . Sorry your mother has passed away , extra hard when you know she would have enjoyed her grandchildren. 💐

Mimic their energy. I wouldn’t go out of way to invite them to things or update them about the children. Your husband can go to see them or invite them if he wishes. Build your support network paid or through friends so you don’t need to rely on them at all.

Unfortunately, not all grandparents are interested in their grandchildren. From your post it sounds as if your husband grew up in a household where he was cared for with regards to having a roof over his head, clothing and food on the table but his parents weren't interested in him. Sadly, if they weren't interested in their own son when he was growing up, it's unlikely they'll be interested in him now or his family.

You can't force his parents to be the grandparents your children deserve or the parents that your husband should have had. You have to accept that this is the way his parents are.

It's not your fault or that of your children or husband. Accept that in order for your husband to have any kind of relationship with his parents, then he's going to have to make the effort and/or make arrangements to see them. It sounds as if the situation bothers you more than your husband, who's used to his parents disinterest.

My FIL isn't particularly interested in my husband or his siblings. Yes, he asks after my husband, me and our son but it's on a superficial level. He's not really interested, it's just something he says, because he feels he should. He complains endlessly about not seeing his other grand children (my BIL's 3 daughter's and son) but it's because he's made no effort and 2 of them barely know who he is!! He's put zero effort in, so he's got zero effort back!

Mine were like this and I never once asked for help. Keep relations civil but stop initiating contact and don’t ask for help.

Not just the first answer nailed it - everyone is correct

Thank you for your comments, I really appreciate it. It probably does bother me more than my husband. I was raised in a close family who supported each other, so find this situation incredibly difficult. I always knew his family dynamic was different than my own but this has been exacerbated by having children and my mum dying, as I know she would have been our main source of support (and would have done anything to be with her grandchildren).
I think I need to spend less time worrying about this and accepting the relationship for what it is.

I completely get where you're coming from—my mum is the exact same way. On the flip side, my partner's family is completely different and constantly wants to see the kids and be involved.
As I've gotten older, I've just learned to live with it and accept it for what it is. I don’t even bother asking my mum to go out of her way for anything anymore. Honestly, it still baffles me because I know how I am with my own kids; I want to see them all the time. Even when they're fully grown, I’d be over the moon to spend time with them and really get to know them as adults.
It's such a strange contrast—I take my nephew out all the time, whereas my mum has never taken him out once and he's nearly seven now. It really just goes to show that some people just aren't bothered, as hard as that is to understand

If they are low effort, I am not sure what's there to manage. Presumably you are seeing them very infrequently.
I think what you might need to "manage" is your feelings. It's not reasonable to try and second-guess what a person may be thinking. You asked for help and they provided it. That's the end of it. Thinking that you are a burden is something which happens for you internally and, likely, has very little to do with the situation. But even if they thought you were a burden, so what? Their private thoughts should not be having any impact on you at all.
Just live as though they are in a far-away country. You don't need to make any effort with them. That's your husband's job, really.

I think like a lot of people you expect other families to be like yours. I am the same. I never understand why parents aren't like mine who would have done anything for me and put me first, always.

If you think about it it simplifies your life. No arguing who you are visiting at Christmas, no dragging kids to their house when they'd rather do something else. No being expected to drop everything to give them a lift.

Let your husband run his relationship with them as he wants. I doubt he will want much to do with them.

You don't miss what you never had. My dad's mum was a vile human being so i met her twice...when I was 17. The second time she blanked me. But because I didn't do what she expected, get upset, she was pissed off. I laughed at her. She thought like my cousins who's lives she'd be in I'd be trying to win her round.

I think your being unfair everyone’s different
the problem is your comparing your norm to there norm
they won’t change just lower your expectations and accept it for what it is
they’ve always been like this they won’t change to please you