Was I out of order?

[TheDr46]

DH and I always, always see things completely differently.

He’s self confessed as being a fairly angry/explosive person. Unfortunately the net result is I can be edgy and respond (poorly) to when he has an outburst by being quite distant for a couple of days (depending on the severity of the out burst) - while I repair

He can’t tolerate the distance I can’t tolerate the outbursts. He feels there’s no room for him to be himself.

recently I bought him a pot of CBD oil and gave it to him and said that it might help take the edge off of life for him.

Needless to say, he didn’t respond well. He said I’m trying to change him and that I should love him for who he is.

Our AUD son takes it and it has been profound with his anger so I thought I was being kind. But DH said I was insinuating there’s something wrong with him.

I don’t know where to start really. You have serious communication issues, and you need to resolve them. Without resorting to CBD.

is it worth the stress being with him?

Yeah, two year olds just want to be themselves. That's why they go nuts when things don't go their way.
Strangely enough we all hope they grow out of it. And they usually do.

Well, if it's a mood-altering substance it may not be so bad. If you bought him a bottle of wine, that could put him in a good mood - would that be trying to change him?
You could say that one can have too much of a good thing.
I think my late father benefitted from Folic Acid, just pills from Savers, I should have given them to him with other vitamins to sort of camouflage what I was doing.
I don't think anyone here is going to say you're unreasonable and they'll be plenty of 'dump the bastard' s - I don't know about the item you've got him, however.

You bought it and suggested he take it, you didn’t hold his mouth opens and pour it in. All he needed to do was to say he doesn’t wish to take it.

Is DH AUD same as your Ds?

I honestly couldn’t handle being with an angry/explosive person. Is there any way he IS willing to change or is it all on you to change?

Another situation where I just cant understand how we see things so differently.

He goes to the pub every single Friday, always has and I always sit alone (now we have teenagers). Last weekend he goes to the pub, hung over Saturday morning and then goes out from 10am until 1pm on Sunday - all of this fine with me. I’d prefer not to have every Friday alone but I suck it up.

fast forward to last weekend, he goes to the pub, again, hung over Saturday I go for a two hour dog walk with friends, he goes to the gym and out for a ride in the afternoon, on Sunday I see friends from 8am - 4pm and I’ve not heard the end of how out of order I am for going out for such a long time on Sunday.

We will never ever see things from each others perspective in

Your husband does not seem to understand the difference between who he is and what he does. You may love him for who he is but hate what he does and if he can't see the difference, you need to explain it to him.
I don't think getting him CBD is the way to go about it either, though. You are, once again, in a fixe-it mode. He is the one who needs to fix himself. So stop repairing and if he "can't tolerate distance", he will (hopefully) soon realise that that's what he's got as a direct outcome of his behaviour. Right now he literally has no incentive to change anything because he knows you'll be running circles around him.

Well there is something wrong with him. His inability to control himself means you can't have a calm disagreement and his intimidating temper means you can't be assertive with him, and instead feel you have no option but to retaliate with passive aggressive silences.
The most serious thing wrong with him is his defence of his right to behave this way and his manipulation of you to think you are being unfair to him.
Are you frightened of him?

Should have bough high THC CBD

But DH said I was insinuating there’s something wrong with him.
There is. He has anger issues. He's lucky you just stay "distant" for a few days. Many people ( myself included) could not cope with life with a person like this.

He has angry outbursts and you give him the silent punishment.

That on its own isn't good but when you add in everything else you've said, it sounds as though you two are pretty much over unless something drastically changes.

We’ve been together a very long time (25 +).

His view is - he’s always been like this and he’s never tried to change me - he used peri and recommending HRT as a similar example. But I said if he came to me with that I’d listen. If my behaviour was materially affecting everyone, I’d listen.

I admit I’m on edge so I sometimes overly check if he’s ok and I’ve consciously started to stop that. He’s a swearer and I find it offensive but have to pick my battles.

I do love him and the life we’ve built but I’m a peaceful person who needs calm. He said life’s not like that and it’s idealistic and I should find someone like a yoga teacher to be with because he’ll never be like that

But I don’t want him to be like that, I just want him to try to temper his anger a bit.

I have been, a handful of times.

Is your life easier and calmer when he's not around and you don't need to worry about the next time he'll kick off?

I would actively consider the yoga teacher option...!

You're describing your relationship difficulties like it's a 50:50 thing, but what you're actually describing is a situation where your partner is aggressive and abusive and you are understandably traumatised.

His abusive behaviour isn't a personality trait you could or should be accepting of.

You are allowed to feel frightened and upset after being the victim of aggressive behaviour from someone you are meant to feel safe with.

So he has anger issues and takes issue with you challenging the fact he can’t control his anger? Then twists it around as though you are in the wrong (for trying to change him), rather than acknowledging that being aggressive towards your family is unacceptable?

he sounds abusive.

No you’re not wrong. There is something wrong with him if he has uncontrollable anger that is upsetting his wife… duh

It sounds like he doesn't want the same. I'd look at your options while you wait for the yoga teacher to pitch up.

I mean, he’s an abusive prick isn’t he? The CBD oil isn’t going to touch the sides.

I suspect you know deep down you need to leave him. The question is how feasible this is now and I imagine its difficult due to kids. Do you work? Can you start planning to leave even if you can’t now?

But anything else is just dancing around the fact he’s an arsehole.

This...

I don’t understand his point here.

One hand he says he’s always been this way so why should he change.

Then he compares it with a time when women physically and emotionally change due to hormonal change? And compares CBD (plant compound) with prescription drugs?

How is being offered a supplement to calm down your ever present anger the same as suggesting someone takes hormone replacement because they’ve experienced a medical event that makes them change?

do you ever go away just the two of you?

This has nothing to do with seeing things differently. He’s just a selfish, immature nob.

So he thinks it's ok for him to have an explosive temper but you're not allowed to distance yourself from him when this upsets you? He sounds like a selfish inconsiderate prick to be honest. I bet he controls his temper around other people, at work or in the pub - he just thinks he can behave like this to you and you should just put up with it? Arsehole 🙄