AIBU to have asked my mother for help after surgery?

[pontipinemum]

I had surgery last week to remove a lump in my breast which developed after my second DC was born. It appeared 4 days PP and I was examined and had a mammogram at 12 days PP. She didn't help then either. I had a c section and couldn't drive, we also had a 2yr old at the time.

Thankfully it was non-cancerous, but because of where it was they felt it was safer to remove it. I ended up having surgery on both sides. One side is very sore and the scar runs from the back side of my arm pit right around to the front near the breast.

Anyway, no word from my “mother” let’s call her M, in the run up to the surgery. She texted the following day saying she hoped it had gone well and, “If you need anything, let me know.”

I feel slightly underhanded about what I did next because, I suspected exactly how it would go.

Me - “Yes. I’m still in a lot of pain, I can’t lift either of the boys and I can’t do much at all. Can you come up and help?”

She said she would. Then, just as she was supposed to be leaving to come here, she cancelled.

I knew she would. I told her I was sick of the lies and that I didn’t believe her.
She said she wasn’t lying.

I said the pattern is always the same and, for every single one of these incidents to be a coincidence, the chances are virtually nil.

Her - “I will let you know when I can come up. If you still want me to.”

Me - “It’s fine, MIL got us sorted.”

Her - “OK, if you need me to do anything let me know.”

Which I found almost laughable, because I had literally just told her exactly what I needed her to do. And I haven’t heard a word from her since.

She has alcohol use disorder and has been in rehab twice this year. She swears blind she isn’t drinking, that her GP is really happy with her and that her health is good. She is 60.

There is an enormous backstory between us and I’ve posted quite a lot of it on here over the years. Neglect/ Abuse/ parentification/ control/ abandonment

One of the things that gets to me is that she absolutely loves telling people that she is the best mother in the world, that she would do anything for me and that she is always there for me.

But this is what actually happens when I need her. I had surgery. I was in pain. I still can't lift my sons - one who is in nappies so it is difficult. She specifically told me to let her know if I needed anything.
So I did.
And she cancelled.

She is always saying things like 'I really miss the boys.' I'd love to see them. She knows the only boundary I have is that she drives to us, I will not take them into her house.

AIBU to have actually asked her for help when, deep down, I suspected she wouldn't come?

YABU - you should not have asked for help
YANBU - she asked what you needed, you needed help so you asked for that

YABU to yourself. You acknowledge this isn’t a healthy relationship and based on what you’ve written, it doesn’t sound like it adds anything to your life except disappointment.

I appreciate it is easier to say than do given it’s your mother, but a family bond doesn’t mean you have to maintain a relationship. If you don’t want to cut her out completely, I would simply treat her as an acquaintance. Pleasantries, superficial conversation, nothing deep.

Don’t invest anymore of your effort, time or emotion when you know the expected outcome. There is that saying that doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is madness.

@Alarae Thanks for replying. In the last two years I have taken huge steps in distancing myself from her. I am in a far healthier place than I was. Each incident is like another kick in the gut. But it does keep pushing me towards lower and lower contact.

2years ago she was on the phone to me most evening for an hour and it was the 'her show' never interested in me, or my life. I don't do that anymore

YABU- but only because you knew what would happen and youve opened yourself up to be hurt again.
Some parents are just completely shit, and it may just be easier for you to accept that and either go very low or no contact to protect your own wellbeing.
Hope the recovery goes well OP, sounds like you've had a tough time. Take care x

Where’s your partner while you need help and can’t lift your baby?

YABU to put yourself through this. You know who she is. She isn't going to suddenly become the mother you wish she was.

To be fair to her she needs more help then you. That would be like me asking someone with no arms to come round to cut the grass for me because I didn't feel well

I’m sorry she let you down op. But you have very high hopes of a relapsing alcoholic. You must know that this is who she is. Cut her off for your own MH

YABU. You know what she is like. Why would you ask?

You have a MIL, where was the DCs dad. He should have been there to help you.

I do know who she is. And I know it was stupid for one second to believe oh, maybe she will actually come up and help me. I said to myself that I knew she wouldn't come, so that I wouldn't be hurt. But the little 5 yr old me just wanted her to once pick me.

I can't imagine not helping out my children in their adult lives. I have friends who have had such amazing support and help from their parents. It's just sometimes painful to remember that my mother doesn't value me the same way.

@fumingrightnow1 I think I am a bit more than feeling unwell. Yes she needs enormous help. But she will not take it or even accept that she has an issue.

@Anywherebuthere DH has been helping. He is a farmer and works a lot. But we have been juggling things around so that I don't have to pick up the boys. MIL/ FIL have helped where they can as has SIL.

It is just painful, even though I know what she is like and I know what to expect. When I look at my aunts/ uncles I know they would help their children in this situation. I just wonder where I went wrong to not get that. Her sibling are supportive to me, but don't help much. The last time one aunt did my M lashed out at her

You are not the one that went wrong. She is obviously not cut out to be the kind of mother you need You know that by now. Best to save yourself the disappointment and stop asking or having any expectations.

She suffers with an addiction, though. That’s a disabling condition as legit as many another we give a good deal more leeway to.
Not that this makes it any easier for you, as her daughter, of course. But still, she will have limits to what can be expected of her (and you could no doubt write a book on that)

I think it’s kindest to both of you (and reducing the pain this has always caused you is a worthwhile mission in itself) if requests you know will be acceded to but inevitably blown off are no longer made of her.
Every letdown must be a corkscrew to your heart, but she won’t be unaffected herself, you know. Self-loathing for such habits is textbook stuff.
Best bung expectations and disappointments down the nearest well, and fashion a relationship which, while both are aware of Many Great Unmentionables, doesn't poke that bear any more.

Easy for me to say, while you are struggling with two tiny beings at home with a husband whose essential job cannot make way for time off.
Thank God for your in-laws! (Im wincing at the thought of wielding a toddler when you've stitches)
I’m so sorry your mum isn’t up to snuff when you have undergone this particular surgery, and the worry that must have been on your mind.
But you’ll push on and feel more equanimity about DM soon enough, when you are back in your full strength.
Don’t eat your heart out over her inadequacies, it only brings you grief. Hold on to what is still good there, and resolve to be glad of that much, if you can. x

You don't owe her any sympathy or understanding. Upu don't have tobthink about any self-loathing she may be feeling.

The fact is, she let you down, and has been doing this all your life.

You deserve better. I hope you can find someone else to take care of you and your boys, and that you can distance yourself from her. She doesn't add to your life.

I voted YABU because you are continuing to flog this dead horse.

She is an alcoholic so is NEVER going to step up for you.

You are only hurting yourself by keeping on.

As for her annoying delusions that's par for the course. It's all part of the massive Denial.

Please stop setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt like this.

I hope you get help from reliable people and a speedy recovery

@Millytante I do try and have empathy for her. I started drinking myself when I was 12, after I moved in with her and my also alcoholic step dad. It had its claws well and truly into me. I did not know how to process any emotion (good or bad) without a drink in hand. I thought it was needed for every day life. I know it isn't easy but it is also so so hard being on the other side of it too.

Some of what is 'haunting' me now is looking back on how many emotionally and physically dangerous situations she put me into when I was a child. But back then we were 'normal' we looked nice, went to a good school/ good jobs, etc.
When my step dad kicked her out she left me with him. Knowing exactly what he was. Because it would have hurt her self image too much. She left me with him for about 5 months (in the run up to my GCSEs). We even looked at one apartment which I immediately said lets take. But she said the area 'wasn't good enough' it was in a fine area. But not the post code she wanted. Instead she drove me back home to him.

Within a 1 hr drive she had 2 aunts and about 4 female cousins who I know would have helped us out. And her own parents were alive and would have welcomed us.

It just hurts. I have spent my whole life protecting her, wanting to make her happy. In the last two years I have finally developed some boundaries. The guilt is easing, but I do still feel immense guilt that I am causing her pain.

The first time she gave me away I was 6 weeks old. So I know exactly who she is, what she is like and what she actually thinks of me. Sometimes though I again believe what she says and hopes she follows through.

She is sick, alcoholism is an illness and hard though it is you mustn’t take it personally. Her behaviour is nothing to do with you and how she feels about you.
Alcohol comes first and it’s not something she can even easily control.

i voted you were unreasonable - not because you were, you should absolutely be able to ask your own mother for help and she should absolutely give it - but because you will always be disappointed by her when she cannot give it.

ask for nothing = you will not be let down.

you deserve so much better.

All of this, in particular the utterly unnecessary guilt you are carting around, is why I think you have to stop dead now and redraw this relationship, having made your peace with the miserable narrative, and resolved that henceforth, old (and continuing) pain is not going to have power over you.
You've your own family to live for and enjoy, and old wounds have had their day.

I’d even go as far as to conduct a little ceremony in private, à la Neo-Pagan types, and consign the hurts and misuses of your past to the actual fire.
You shall not mar any more of your life with your mum’s on/off involvement, so you leave all of that in the fireplace and send it off with a mixture of regret and relief.
Have an orgy of mixed metaphors and slam the door on those ashes!
Then immediately swear to yourself you won’t feel any further responsibility for, or anguish about, your mother. You have borne this burden as a dutiful daughter for a long time, but you can do no more.

You cant keep thinking about any pain you ever inadvertently cause her any more. You know there hasn’t been ill intent on your part, and any heavenly jury would acquit a woman taking all necessary steps to protect her own peace of mind at this stage.
You can move on without guilt, you really can, even keeping a chamber in your heart for her in love, on some abstract plane.
It is a tricky reality to face and then push away, that the mother/daughter relationship was awry from your childhood, and I know how that pain can choke you. But I think burying the regrets is essential, by whatever means works. But say ‘No more!’

You have every right to your own happiness, and you really can focus on that without being guilty of cruelty or ill-wishing. Au contraire you wish her peace, and now you are starting a new chapter.
I hope you find the peace you need and deserve, and you’ll not look back.
It’s OK .