To encourage her to tell her dad

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

My DD2 recently told me she thinks she's gay. It's not a massive shock as she's never been interested in boys. Obviously makes no difference to me as long as she's happy. However she is adamant that I can't tell DH (her dad). In fact she said I can't tell anyone. I told her that I was sure her dad would support her but she said no you can't tell him.
So I haven't because obviously I don't want to betray her but I hate keeping stuff from DH. I keep thinking what's going to happen when she meets someone? Is she just going to pretend their friends forever? She's 18 so it's not outside the realms of possibility she could meet someone sooner rather than later.
DH has family who are gay so I'm not sure why DD thinks he'd have an issue but then maybe it's different for dad's and daughters. I just don't know.
Then last night DH said DD seems secretive like she's hiding something. I brushed it off but he's obviously picked up on something.
I can't tell him but should I encourage DD to? I can't force her obviously but do you think I should at least suggest it? I know everyone is different but if you have a child who is gay how did their dad react to it?
I guess the poll is
YABU let her tell her dad when she's ready
YANBU encourage her to say something now.

It's her place to tell him, but you can tell her that you feel uncomfortable keeping secrets from him.

I think she should face the fact that he is going to find out some time.

Yeah I can't figure out why she won't say anything. I think he's going to work it out sooner or later. Perhaps she is just going to wait until he works it out or asks her. I am not happy about keeping quiet but as I said it's not my place to say.

Why doesn’t he ask her what’s going on, if he’s noticed something?

Does he have a history of getting upset with your DC about things? Or has he commented negatively on anyone else’s sexuality previously?

Could she just not be ready to disclose it to anyone else?

Maybe she’s not entirely certain where her sexuality falls and she wants to feel certain before being open about it? You’re a safe person to test it out on because you won’t judge her or even comment if she decides she’s actually Bi?

How old is she? Could there be an element of immaturity in there? Like she’s enjoying the secrecy and the drama of it all?

I think you’re just going to have to sit her down and say that her sexuality is fine, whatever it is, but you’d like to understand why she doesn’t want him to know.

for her this feels massive. He’s worked up the courage to tell one person, let her settle into that. She doesn’t have to tell everyone straight away.

Honestly, it’s not that big a deal. You say it makes no difference to you but then go on to question so much about her future. She is 18 just, leave her the space and time and let her think about what happens when she meets someone she wants to bring to meet you. Being gay should not be a massive deal, you say it’s not but your post says otherwise. I think you just need to chill out on this. I understand not wanting to keep things from your DH but at the same time don’t most couples have an agreement that they can keep their kids confidences unless it’s something that cannot be secret? Maybe not but I would expect that to be normal within a relationship.

Don't underestimate what a huge thing this is for your DD. She's been immensely brave opening up to you and she'll tell her dad in her own time. I had a similar experience and when my DS was ready to open up to his dad he asked me to be there too, and I was able to help him find the right words. I completely understand that it's difficult for you to keep a secret from him, but it's her story to tell when she's ready so for now just keep supporting her as you are doing. You could also tell her that her dad will be fine with it, assuming he will be. It'll be OK.

Just a quick edit to say if she's opened up to you it shows that you and her have a great relationship.

Give the poor girl a chance. She’s probably been putting herself through the wringer just to open up to you. Once she’s had chance to get her thoughts together, hopefully she will open up a bit more.

I think you need to respect her wishes. It’s not lying, it’s recognising it’s not your information to share. I wouldn’t hold it against my husband if the kids told him something in confidence that he didn’t share with me. They will share it themselves when the time is right.

I was in this position myself recently. I think its fine to gently encourage her to tell her dad, but not to insist. She probably needs more time.

Have you at least tried to talk to her about why? I’m wondering if he has made a comment or done something in the past which makes her question if he would be ok with it.

Give her time - it probably took a lot for her to tell you! I'm sure she'll tell her dad when she feels ready - she may not feel quite as sure about his reaction, he's her dad and will probably always see her as his little girl! Just show her lots of love and acceptance and I'm sure it'll be ok ☺️