AIBU to let my baby cry

[MyBoldFinch]

My baby is almost 14 months old and I’ve always done all the bedtimes and naps his whole life. He is with my husband a lot but just hasn’t been settled by him before for sleep. I tend to feed to sleep.

I would now like to try to get my husband to get him down and resettle him when he wakes in the night sometimes but I am a bit at a loss as to how to make this transition smooth.

My husband is trying to resettle him from an overnight wake now with cuddles and patting but he’s just crying and crying. How long do I leave it before I go and intervene? Previously after a while I’ll just go in and take over but it feels like nothing changes that way. Help!

Why can’t your husband have a bottle to settle him? It seems like an impossible job if his only options are patting and cuddles.

Let him cry. He will settle eventually. He is with his dad, not a stranger.

I don’t know I think if your husband can’t feed him then nothings going to work. I’m all for letting them cry it out for a little while but you know yourself when it reaches the point you need to intervene. If dc won’t settle and is getting extremely upset then I couldn’t just leave them.

Bottle?

In my experience we got way more sleep with me doing a 5 min feed and we all went back to sleep fast. All that happened when my husband tried was she screamed for ages and we were all awake anyway. Was a waste of time, we were fighting a loosing battle. She stopped feeding in the night eventually.

Has he tried swaying and patting? Rocking in the pram? There may be other techniques that could work.

Is baby hungry? Could you express and leave him with a bottle?

Otherwise to break the feed to sleep association (also a problem for me) you could gradually start to stop eg for a nap - feed until nearly asleep, then cuddle, then put down and gradually increase the time between finishing feeding and cuddling/putting down. That is what I have been advised to do.

YABU to let your baby cry. Try new techniques. Cry it out is known to cause babies stress and can affect brain development

He won’t take a bottle but also he’s 14
months old so wouldn’t be on a baby bottle now any way. He has a sippy cup which dh offers

So do you ever settle him to sleep without feeding him? If you are normally the only one to settle
him and you do it by feeding I’d help the pair of them out here and either you settle baby without feeding a few times too to help baby adjust, or dad gives the baby a bottle to setting him to sleep.

Cry it out is when a baby is left on their own in a cot to cry, not being cuddled and held by their parent?

Try dad putting him to sleep when baby first goes to bed, his sleep pressure will be higher so more likely to go off.

Babies can also be thrown of someone different is there in the middle of the night compared to when they went to bed. If it’s always been you putting to bed and you always feed to sleep you’re all going to have to adjust to some changes if you want a different routine.

If you rush in nothing with change . You are not letting him cry all alone . His dad is there and he is not a stranger . It’s obviously going to take time to adjust if you have always been the one with bed times .

So if he’s too grownup to have a bottle, why are you still feeding him to sleep? Either wean him off the boob and then hand over to DH for bedtimes once he’s fully weaned, or let DH try a bottle or even a soft sippy cup of warm milk.

At 14 months? Yes, I would.

At 13 months, I was exhausted from doing every bedtime and naptime, and DD had never taken a bottle. DH took her up one night and cuddled her to sleep (she has a floorbed), she cried for 30 minutes. The next night 20 minutes. And since then she loves going to bed with Daddy and cuddling.

I'm not going to lie, it was hard listening to her cry, but she was safe and with her daddy.

It was life-changing to not have it all on me finally.

I gave mine a bottle at that age to wean her from the boob. I know people don't agree with it but it saved my sanity and she gets a good belly full of milk which also helps her sleep. A sippy cup just ain't the same when they're used to the boob but that's just my opinion!

You also might be better just getting them used to going to sleep alone rather than having your husband battle it. A transition is a transition and you're going to have to do multiple this way. Go in, say it's bed time, lay down and walk out. Give it a minute and see how they are. Sometimes interfering and trying to help them sleep can make them more awake and more unsettled.

Dummy? If he's used to sucking to go to sleep it might help... not easy to go from feeding to sleep to nothing...

I read the original post as she was previously breast fed baby to sleep (correct me if I’m wrong.) if baby does take a bottle then of course @Franjipanl8r suggestion is right.

It is unlikely that there will an easy way to do this without some crying if I am right OP. Even if you tried to settle them, I think weaning the boob for settling is difficult at that age. (Doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong - it’s just a challenge!)

Don’t think there’s a specified amount of time, and I do think the first few days / times will be the hardest for you all where he will protest the longest as he won’t understand/ will expect you to appear with milk if he cries louder. If you are very keen for this to work I would give it a good go but for a defined period say a week or so but in that period of time you’ve got to be vigilant as if either of you “break” the messaging is just if I cry louder/ for longer I will get Mum.

If this feels too difficult and like something you may not be able to do then maybe have a rethink about going from fed to sleep to dad only settling straight away and maybe start with you trying to settle without any milk (although that may arguably be harder as he’ll be able to smell the breast milk)

You're not doing anything wrong by letting a loved parent try to settle their baby overnight so ignore any posters who try to make you feel bad. And I say that as a mother who happily sleep trained (Ferber ) a very happy, well adjusted toddler now. It’s not easy but I do think will be worth it on the other side. And well done for getting to 14 months with bf for every single nap and sleep! Good luck

@MyBoldFinchwell strictly yes, but whatever your husband is doing isn't working and baby isn't finding it comforting so the level of distress remains the same. I think slowly weaning him off the boob would be the best course of action although it's not a quick fix

Either carry on doing it yourself or let your DH do it until he eventually settles. The absolute worst thing you can do is let him cry with your DH for a period of time and then go in and settle him yourself. This helps no-one.

Either is fine. But it has to be one or the other.

Water from a cup. It will take a few nights to settle but yes I would leave dad to it. Of couse baby complains over not having mum to bf.

Don’t punish your baby because your husband can’t cope. If baby is getting that distressed the cortisol will go up and they’ll be harder and harder to settle. They might sleep eventually but it will be passing out due to exhaustion.

Id say you do bed times together and on things like patting you pat initially and then he takes over. When baby gets unsettled you make your presence known and then let you husband take over again

We have gone through this recently but at 22 months old 😅 I left the house and went to stay at my parents' house for a night. I couldn't stand listening to DD cry knowing that I could settle her so quickly if I took over and fed her, and DH could walk around the house to show DD that I wasn't there - it seemed to help for her to know that I wasn't an option. It has improved her sleep so much, she's gone from being up 4 times a night to mostly sleeping through so it has definitely been worth it. Also I haven't stopped breastfeeding - I still do it in the morning when she gets up and in the evening before we have dinner - so you don't have to fully wean for your DH to be able to settle at night, if you don't want to.

When my youngest was one I had no choice but to leave my baby with my sister as my husband was in hospital. My baby had only ever been breastfed to sleep. My sister lay with her and eventually she went off to sleep. I would let your baby cry with dad and eventually he will realize mum isn’t available tonight but dad is and eventually the baby will accept it x

I feed to sleep too and was wondering when DH would finally be able to put baby to sleep when I’m away. The answer is around 18 months. Baby is mature enough to understand all the bedtime cues, will accept a bottle over boob, and is tired from nursery so will go to sleep fairly happily with DH without the sort of meltdown and upset this would have caused at 14m. I’d follow baby rather than try to make something work that baby isn’t ready for.

As a Mum with a young child you’ll absolutely know that every baby is different though. This worked for you at 18 months. It doesn’t mean it will work for OP at 18 months. Lots of babies never accept a bottle over a boob, lots of babies don’t care for the boob. There’s no prescribed right time to do anything. Perhaps OPs baby’s doesn’t go to nursert or isn’t as tired or is just more of a boob guy/gal. @MyBoldFinch do what is right for you and your family. What on earth do people think people with multiples / or lots of other children, or children in hospital etc do? How about when a baby is crying in the car and you don’t have a safe space to stop - of course you keep driving.What if OPs mental health or relationship is taking a hit? What if she just wants an evening back after 14 months of it having any? Why isn’t that reasonable for her to take some control over the situation?

Babies cry, in this particular situation it’s a protest of course it is, even when baby fully understands- I know people who have struggled to wean off the boob at 3 years old -it’s normal for them to not be happy about having something that is comforting (and the only way they’ve learnt to sleep to date removed) is it nice to hear, of course it’s not, does it stop eventually yes it does. Will it damage them forever - no! I know there are a lot of strong feelings about this on mumsnet but it’s just mental that we’re still in this place of making Mums feel bad (whether intentional or not) whatever they do but suggesting there is a one size fits all way of doing things.

You have to be led by baby and follow their cues and not accept any crying at all or lest cortisol level rise (wait till they’re a proper toddler - both of your cortisol levels will be up every day 🤣) and then you will find another thread of a wonen trying to wean at 4 years and there will be a raft of people saying it’s disgusting, how could she leave it so long, it’s for her and not the baby, she needs to nip it in the bud. We can’t win.

@Theboymolefoxandhorseyoure right, I should have said the answer for me was 18m. There is definitely no one size fits all, I just typed that badly. Sorry. But since OP is here for advice, mine was follow baby’s readiness. That doesn’t mean do exactly as baby wants, it means changing things when baby seems ready. Totally fine if you have different advice, I expect she’s seeking a range of experiences and opinions.