To let ds stop attending school?

[gatheredthoughts]

I’m probably overthinking because of past experiences with my eldest

Context: Eldest ds is 20, diagnosed adhd at 6, autism at 17 and secondary was hell. I’m aware both dc are different but year 9 was when it all went downhill he was off November-March (then lockdown hit but he did go in lockdown so was off until the following sept) for simply because he got ill and then i couldn’t get him in, he’d say “i’ll go in tomorrow, then the next day would come and it’d repeat then it’d be “no pint going in for one day” on the fridays and repeat. We tried everything, taking his things, camhs referral as he was SH, talking to him, shouting at him , everything. He really struggled to get back into the school routine and didn’t go and rarely did a full week then in y11 he went day 1 and didn’t go back and school gave up basically i had no contact with them for months the relationship broke down fully, he was out of the routine and education as during lockdown 1 he did no work either. Mental health wise things got worse with a number of suicide attempts and severe anxiety to the point he couldn’t go out and he developed arfid, he was already picky before but it became very extreme and it was honestly the worst time as a family and for him. He went to college a year later and struggled through he’d be drained every day and he was miserable but he left last year and now has had a job for a year which he loves and has a group of friends and is happy so he’s not lazy it was just the education system failed him and covid happening when it did also messed things up

Now ds2 is 13, very likely autistic (he does have traits) but it doesn’t affect him, i’m aware of masking but he doesn’t mask either he’s firmly himself but he’s not struggling socially, he has a small group of friends, he’s doing great academically, goes to cadets and tennis club and he’s happy apart from the usual teen strops. he does have an ehcp since he got one at the start of primary due to hearing loss in one ear due to being unwell as a baby and he was extremely speech delayed and not toilet trained and i guess in 2016/17 ehcps were easier to come by. His speech is now like any other 13 year old, and no one would know about how behind he was at the beginning of his life. Not a lot is in his ehcp anymore because he doesn’t need any extra help

He’s been getting incredibly fed up with the school and behaviour in lessons, i do feel abit hypocritical as ds1 was definitely one of the disruptive kids when he was in school but ds2 has said they’ve had a supply for maths since going back and she can’t handle the class because everyone messes about and laughs and they get nothing done and the teacher just seems overwhelmed and he sits there fed up but he has also been given negative points and when I questioned this they said they had given it to the whole class, ds isn’t an angel by any means and does have an attitude at home at times but he’s never been a troublemaker at school , he just wants to get things done and he’s finding it quite stressful

He has said maths is an example and it’s the same in most lessons and he’s constantly called a nerd (which he doesn’t care about, DP has always described himself as a nerd so ds doesn’t find it insulting or offensive but that’s their goal) his closer friends are at cadets/tennis and go to different schools

He seems fed up by it and has said he wants to do online school because he’d do better, he’s said it a few times since last year and he just seems bored and unhappy. this is also a. fee paying grammar school where you’d think behaviour would be better than state, it’s also an all boys school so probably Adds to the toxic environment

I’m not sure as i do regret trying to force ds1 into school, it just made his mental health worse but that’s my only experience as he’s my only other dc and probably is clouding my view. DP thinks we should look into it, he’s also likely autistic himself and he didn’t struggle in school as such but he was introverted and also found the misbehaviour of other kids worse when he also just wanted to get what he needed done, done and has said he probably would’ve done better in school if he taught himself

Would you pull him out or make him stick at it? I’m not being snobbish when I say this as DS1 was at a state school but i doubt state would be any better and i worry they’ll be worse if anything especially pastoral wise but also behaviourally ,

Online school takes a lot of discipline. I am not sure it's an easy answer.

I don't understand the bit about your older child "going in" during lockdown. Were you a key worker at that time and the very small classes were ok for him?

If you take him out of school what about the social side of it? would he find online schooling too isolating?

I was a key worker but lockdown 1 both boys stayed home with DP then the 2021 lockdown we had he had to go in because he’d done 0 work so school basically said he needed to go in and there weren’t many in his class and the days were shorter and he was better at going but then it all went to shit when everyone was back and he never did a full week and after seeing how it wasn’t helping him as even when we did get him in he would play up and he was just depressed we didn’t try and force him and I do regret trying to force him for so long but because his mh was a traumatic time for years i feel it has clouded my view around school and especially now ds2 is near the same point ds1 was when he had months off originally i’m not sure what to do for the best because i don’t/cant deal with another child struggling mentally especially to the extent of ds1 because i was permanently on edge and anxious while also fighting to get him listened to

What does his school say when you ask them?

Is there another school that he could move to with better behaviour?

He goes to cadets twice a week and he goes to tennis practice and does tournaments etc. Like I said most of his close friends are either at cadets or tennis but don’t go to his school.

That's not many hours a week with other people though. 2hrs for cadets? Another couple of hours for tennis? They will also be very scripted sessions - they will not be hanging around just being kids, they will be doing the training they have been given.

I would try and work with school to find a better solution, or change schools?

I’m a big fan of homeschooling / online school if that is the best fit for your child. It’s not the easy choice though. As the parent, you need to be prepared to be an active educator, even with an online school option. An adult must take responsibility for the child staying on track and for not just using AI to fake the work. If you aren’t prepared to be actively involved, it’s not a good option.

You don’t have to sit there every minute. You do need to plan on daily check-in’s and weekly tutoring sessions to cover gaps.

His current school is a fee paying school so you’d expect the behaviour to be good so i’m not sure state schools locally will be any better especially the better ones as they’re likely to have no space

Have you spoken to the school about the disruption in lessons? I think I'd try to find out more about that and what the school are doing to address it before I took the drastic step of removing him.

They have just said they have zero tolerance to it and the children doing it will be dealt with but then DS got the consequence aswell because the whole class did

What work does your older son do if you don't mind me asking.

He works at a cinema

Fee paying or not it doesn’t sound like it’s the right fit for him if he wants to learn but the environment isn’t right. I’d look at moving schools, if he has mates at other local schools sounds like that would be best

Good for him. I presume he didn't get GCSEs so well done him.

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