Elderly mother won’t meet new partner

[Bayou2000]

I am a 50 yr old woman. I was with the father of my kids for 25 yrs, my mother hated my ex but tolerated him for my sake and that of my children.
I have been with my new partner for 18 mths and I view him as a long term partner and I am happy but she refuses to meet him in case she doesn’t like him on the basis she didn’t like my ex. I feel like a child.

Why does she need to meet him?

Fair enough IMO.

Does it matter particularly? Can’t you just see her without him?

Well, you clearly viewed your ex as your long-term partner and were happy with him at one point too! Does she think you have poor judgement when it comes to men?

They don't need to meet, do they?
.Leave her alone, if she sees you are happy she may come around and want to meet him eventually; if she doesn't...that's her choice.

How old is she? Maybe she is just losing bandwidth, I know I am and I'm only 71 but all this news updates from people really fries my brain.
I'd cut her some slack and realise that your happiness doesn't depend on her approval.

When I separated from DH when my mum was elderly I just didn't tell her because it didn't seem worth the stress as I knew she'd be upset and worried. She died a few years later thinking I was still married!

I’m going to go against the grain of the previous posters and say I’d be quite hurt if my mum wouldn’t meet my new partner, especially given you’ve already been together for 18 months.

I think it’s her choice but I wouldn’t bend over backwards either. It’s natural you’ll want to see him at Christmas Day and your birthday etc so if she doesn’t join you it’s her choice.
I’d see her 1-1 or with your children.
How will it work if your children marry/christenings of grandchildren etc. If he’s there as your plus 1 how does she see it working.

Do they need to meet? I've been with my partner 2 years and we live together - but my dad has never met him (my choice).

Just enjoy the 2 relationships separately 🤷‍♀️

My brother has been through 2 divorces and multiple girlfriends. He's introduced at least 3 of his girlfriends and their children to his own children in the span of 5 years. Each woman seems to be completely unaware of those that have gone before her! He's very selective with the truth.

I'm not meeting any more girlfriends or wives! I'm done. I refuse to slap on a smile and play happy families when I know he'll cheat on them or dump them when a better prospect comes along. He has this weird ability to gaslight himself and those around him into believing he has a good stable track record when it comes to maintaining a relationships.

My example is at the extreme end obviously, but maybe your mum just doesn't want to see you getting hurt again. Or maybe she just wants to focus on you and her grandchildren.

It may not be logical and I'm sure it hurts but maybe just have a relationship with her on your own for the moment until more time has passed?

This. Her logic for not meeting him is also a bit odd?

Most people would feel like this. AIBU attracts posters who enjoy belittling people's normal reaction to hurtful things.

Op I would consider moving this to relationships as you might get more constructive empathic responses.

Do you talk to your mother about the relationship? Is she picking up patterns of behaviour that match the last one? What has she said is her actual reason for not wanting to meet him?

What planet do people live on where their mum and their partner would never have to meet? Obviously you don’t need to bring him every time you see her, but they’re going to be at the same Christmas events, family events etc at some point surely.

It’s fair enough if she means she doesn’t want to have a formal “meet the parents” type thing. But if she means she refuses to ever meet him then I’d be telling her she’s unreasonable. That he’ll be at any events you’re hosting, so it’s up to her if she attends. And if she excludes him from events she hosts where partners would normally attend, I wouldn’t be coming.

I would be hurt too OP.

In the end it’s her choice but presumably this might give you some logistics issues when it comes to family events like Christmas?

If she won’t meet him does that mean she’ll be declining invitations to events at which he is present?

I think it depends. You say she is elderly, her cognitive and physical abilities would influence my opinion. Eg is she able to get out and about or would he (a stranger to her) have to meet her in her home etc etc.

Regardless, it would hurt most people if their mum didn't want to meet their partner. You're not unreasonable for being hurt.

Why would she need to meet him? If you invite her to something and she declines on the basis he will be there, that’s down to her.

They don’t need to meet but I am close to my mum. I think she probably thinks my taste is bad given my ex who she never liked. This is partly a statement on my taste which is why I am so hurt. She even said she knew she hurt me by not even meeting him to find out if she likes him.
My own daughter has a bf that I didn’t like but I was always pleasant to him. I just feel that manners come into it,
I do respect her position but it’s a sore one.

She says she doesn’t want to not like him, so by not meeting him she won’t dislike him. She does however ask about him. He finds his job interesting and wants to know what he is up to. He had a hospital appointment last week and wanted to know what they did, so she has a certain arms length proximity that she actually seeks out.
I should also say she is very antisocial generally. Since my dad died she takes me to lunch with her friends as she doesn’t think she can keep the chat going. So there is an element of that.

Some people speak so poorly of their partners, it's awkward being around them, so I wondered if that played a part.
I understand why you're hurt im this instance, especially as she asks about him so you can't completely compartmentalise either. It's like she wants to know about him, but only from a distance.
We often want the people we love to meet and like each other, so I hope she'll come around as time goes on. 💐