AIBU to question an absent parent being approved to foster?

[Throwaway6612]

I’m mainly here to vent, so please bear with me. Advice is welcome, but I’m also aware that there isn’t anything anyone can say that will actually change the situation.
The other parent of my child hasn’t been involved in their life for a significant period of time. There has been no real presence, involvement or consistency from them during that time. I can’t go into too much detail as it would be very identifying if the people involved happened to come across this, but the contact gradually reduced due to circumstances on their side and a lack of consistency, and over time it became less and less until they were essentially no longer involved. This wasn’t a situation where I decided to cut them out or prevent them from having a relationship with their child. I’m deliberately being vague about the circumstances because I don’t want to identify anyone, but the opportunity to be involved was there. Anyway, I’ve now found out that they’re planning to foster. And honestly, I’m struggling to get my head around it. I’m not saying people can’t change, and I’m not looking to debate whether someone who has been absent from their own child can potentially become a good foster carer. I just genuinely cannot understand how someone can be considered suitable to take on responsibility for vulnerable children when they have been absent from their own child for such a significant period of time. What has particularly bothered me is that the assessor seemed to have relatively little interest in the ins and outs of the affect on our child
and co-parenting difficulties I’ve experienced. Whilst they asked some follow-up questions, it was made clear that the main focus was on whether any potential future foster children would be safe in his care. I completely understand that the safety and wellbeing of foster children has to be the priority. Of course it does. But I’m struggling with the feeling that the circumstances surrounding their own child - including the history, the lack of involvement and the difficulties I’ve experienced as the other parent - are somehow being minimised or treated as less relevant. How can the circumstances surrounding someone’s relationship with their own child not be an important part of assessing whether they are ready and suitable to take responsibility for other vulnerable children?

Am I being unreasonable to think, how is this allowed?

I appreciate there is a lot more to the assessment process than I’m aware of, and I’m not claiming to know what information the assessor has considered or what conclusions have been reached. I suppose I’m just incredibly angry, confused and hurt for my child by the whole situation. It feels very strange to watch someone who has been absent from their own child’s life for a significant period potentially being given the opportunity to care for other children, while the circumstances surrounding their own child seem to have been given comparatively little weight. I’d genuinely welcome perspectives from anyone who has experience of fostering assessments, particularly where there are significant co-parenting difficulties or an absent parent involved. I’d also appreciate people not asking for identifying details - I’m deliberately keeping those out for obvious reasons.

I can’t imagine it being approved.

If I was the assessor, I would assume he’s solely wanting it for the money, as he’s clearly not that interested in children if he’s deliberately absent from his own child’s life.

The fostering assessment is primarily about whether they can care safely for children placed with them. There are very many reasons why co-parenting arrangements don’t work out, and while obviously that has huge bearing on you and your child, unless those issues relate to the applicants ability to safely care it’s not likely to be considered relevant to a fostering application.

They will look into his history with any previous children, cannot see it being approved if he's purposely estranged.

I could see it being approved. They are so desperate for foster carers that as long as no allegations of abuse came out then they might be okay with it.

Its a hard situation OP, I know 2 very questionable foster carers.

Would your child’s mother parent be fostering alone or do they have a partner?

It doesn’t seem right, but I can only imagine that they are so desperate for foster carers that the standard is low.

Your situation isn't really important for an assessment but of course it's weird to want to work with children having left one behind.

Foster parents are in very short supply. The LA are solely concerned with how good a foster parent they'll make and presentably judge that being an absent parent doesn't contraindicate suitability for the role.

To my mind, though, being an absent parent suggests that you don't understand or care about a child's best interests. This parent may have changed but could - and of course should - get their own house in order before looking after other children.

I'd be absolutely livid and heartbroken for my child. Sorry OP.

I would doubt he would be approved. Did the assessor speak to your child also? Whilst your child doesn’t see their dad the assessor would need to establish how the dad would manage if they child did want contact and how they would facilitate with with foster children. Perhaps the assessor didn’t go into loads of detail with you because they know it won’t be approved?

I'd contact the local authority from where the assessor is based...

There are also many different types of foster care, some look after children full time, some offer respite care or weekend care. Applying to be a foster carer doesn’t mean they’d have full time care if another child.

It’s also often the case that an ex-partner purposely tries to sabotage the application - I’m not saying you’re doing that - but the assessing social worker has to consider the possibility and will weigh an ex-partners input accordingly.

My ex and one of his partners tried to foster and the conversations the assessor had with me and his other ex he has children with (doesn’t see any of them) was a large factor in him being turned down.

i think it may depend in part on how they portrayed the no-contact. I know my ex pretended to be the wronged party desperate to be a doting father but the evidence was very clear that that is bullshit.

Thank you for the replies & all of the different insights are considered fairly. Just writing it out has made me feel so much better.

I will continue to read but may not comment further. In my experience they know how to navigate things to an advantage & I will leave it at that.

That would not make sense to me but the type of person who would behave this way has likely developed a charm on the other side that means he can take others in easily.

Your poor child. They will feel the rejection so much harder once they know that he was quite happy to care for random children but couldn’t be bothered with them.

Someone who is oblivious to the needless additional emotional pain this would be likely to inflict on their own child (or, alternatively, doesn’t care about doing so) lacks the emotional capability and empathy to care adequately for any child in my opinion, especially a fostered child who likely has trauma, hence being in care.

Whether the LA will care though I do not know. Sadly many LA staff don’t give a damn about children, either.

Unfortunately the system is desperate for children's places so the bar is very low.

This happened with my ex SIL. She walked out on her own twin babies. Intermittent contact for years. Fast forward, we find out she's a foster carer with her new DH. I was amazed, I couldn't get over it. I think maybe she lied and/or agencies are now so stretched that they allow anyone to foster when they wouldn't have done in the past.

You are being unreasonable in a sense that you assume "this is allowed" and that they will be approved. An assessor is not going to make you privy of any considerations and decisions. Your role is to provide information which you did. An assessor is not allowed to discuss with you their personal or professional opinion on the matter so don't jump to conclusions.
Broadly speaking, it is fairly common for a parent to not make any effort with their child and then go on to have a family where they dot on subsequent children. This is the case for both men and women. There are plenty of mothers out there who gave up their child for an adoption as teenagers and young adults and then went on having wholesome families later in life. And even more men who abandoned their children and then had a second family where they behaved very differently. I don't know why and how it happens but it does happen.

When we went through the fostering process (about12yrs ago) they REALLY looked into our past, would interview past SOs. We had to give a number if referreences and they chose who to speak to.

My DS had never met his father, father's choice, never had a penny from him but I still had to provide the address I knew him at which I did even though I knew he had moved and we had not spoken or had any contact in 20+yrs.
SS attempted to contact him to check whether he thought there were any issues of me fostering! Well and truly pissed me off but was a hoop we had to jump through.

They should contact you and you just need to be truthful as to how his relationship with you and your child was/is.

Your DC will.need support in that they may believe that they 'aren't worth' having contact /support but a strangers child is. We have had similar issues from our FC regarding their parents.

Respectfully, the impact on you as a parent wouldn't be a big part of the fostering assessment, though they would consider the impact on the child. I would say generally with fostering assessments most foster carers have some family struggles in their lives - that's often why they think about becoming carers - so the assessments are usually looking at how serious/how long ago and importantly, what they'd learned from it. Eg someone who has experienced childhood abuse and is still really struggling with it wouldn't likely be approved, but someone who had gone through similar and worked on it and had enough distance could.

In this case it might be hard for the assessor to unpick though, if you both give different accounts for the reason he's not involved. They do usually take multiple personal references about someone to try and get an accurate picture though. And usually (depending on where you are) the assessor only makes a recommendation, there's usually a panel with multiple people who have to agree, and then senior managers after that. So it isn't a foregone conclusion at all.

I suppose they can look at different views though, someone can say their do isn’t involved, but if that’s because they’re working all the hours under the sun/ live too far away etc they can spin it a certain way/ they might be able to say things have changed