I have ds 15 with an ex partner, however I have been with my DP since ds was 1 years old and he’s been much more of a father, a role model and a consistent in his life.
I do believe that a totally absent father is somewhat better than a dad who’s in and out when the please. This is coming from myself who never knew my father and struggled with this and neither are good obviously but when it is on and off lacking stability, it can really affect children imo.
for context, ds is autistic, struggles understanding his own thoughts and feelings, he’s not a typical teenager who wants to be out with his friends all the time, in fact the opposite, he enjoys time with adults more than people his own age. Ds thrives on routine, consistency and uncertainty, he doesn’t get any of this with his father. Uncertainty makes him anxious, in the past his dad has been late, has changed plans last minute and not even turned up at all last minute which has often led to meltdowns and sometimes when younger and his dad was meant to be collecting him, ds will ask where they are going, who with etc and his dad will never give him an answer which again causes uncertainty. I believe with age ds has realised all this and decided to avoid his dad on the few times a year his dad shows an interest.
anyway, his ‘dad’ wasn’t too bad when he was younger. He’d pick him up, visit paternal grandparents, go swimming etc but it has got worse over the year and pretty much hanging by a thread.
I have no doubt that my ex loves our son, as does my son with his dad however, it can be weeks and months with no contact at all, then his dad will message him and ask if he wants to go out next weekend, he gets offended when ds says no. There’s no messages in between asking how ds is, how’s school etc, in fact in the past ds has messaged his dad with no response or he says he’s too busy dealing with his other kids!
it’s always an excuse - work, illness, break ups with his younger sons mum, helping a friend, car issues. But I am calling BS on all of it. He only lives 10 minutes away.
I don’t want to be the person who says no contact, as it’s really up to ds, but I feel like this is going round in circles, hanging by a thread. He’s perhaps seen him 2-3 times since last Christmas, including half an hour on his birthday.
I feel like no contact would be easier. But I always end up the bad guy. When his dad lets him down, I’m the bad guy and he takes all the frustration out on me, when I try and talk to his dad, his dad thinks I’m the bad guy. I don’t like confrontation but it’s not fair on anyone anymore.
when he has had ds on occasion, it’s been 1-2 hours max, not worth it at all. Ds isn’t particularly hard work, he’s quite chilled and would be happy just spending time with his dad and brothers.
ds barely knows his brothers!