AIBU to feel betrayed by my husband's secret gambling and lies?

[Sineadjb]

I dont even know how to react to this and really need some advice. I recently had to ask my husband for a copy of his bank statement for mortgage stuff which he delayed sending me for ages. Turns out when he sent it there was hundreds of pounda going on gambling and thousands coming back in!. He pays towards the bills and i earn more than him so i pay more in to the house but the pressure is constantly on me financially and i never ask him for anything!! We went away in august and i paid for everything whislt he was sitting on extra grands in his bank and he never offered to pay for anything. Whilst i get its his money and he can do what he wants im gutted that he thinks its ok to literally risk spending 900 regardless of a return when hes got a wife and 2 kids. It feels like hes taking me for a fool thinking its ok because ill sort it ive never ever been bothered about him having a bet on a saturday or whatever but this feels massively excessive and selfish. He also hid it from me thats a big win he got and never said a word. Around this time we were at a bbq and i swore i heard him having a convo about putting money on spins and 'just kept winning' so when we walked home i asked him about it and he fully gaslit me telling me i hadnt heard that and he dont know what im on about making me feel like a wierdo for questioning him. This is only one months statement my concern is how many other times has he not been so lucky and lost hundreds leaving me to pick up the slack? Hes fixated by money constantly complaining when i suggest doing stuff and questioning money and how much itll cost but is willing to bet hundreds every month. I feel betrayed i feel taken advantage of and i dont trust a word he says. I havnt said anything to him yet i dont no how to approach it or even if i should. Like i said i get its his money and he can do what he wants with it but then when im the one paying for everything all the time cos hes telling me hes skint it feels so selfish. He thinks money comes out my arse and hes seen me budgeting hes seen me worrying like everyone else and knows hes been doing this for god knows how long. Also if hes lying about this what else is he hiding.

its only a matter of time before these wins become losses and he’s in all kinds of trouble.
It seems to me that your financial relationship was very dodgy before all this so now it’s dire.
I think you need to protect your finances and stop paying for this delight of a man.

He is an addict and this won’t change until he accepts his addiction and gets some help.

You need to get his bank statements and credit cards to see how seriouslybaddicted he is. Fifty ponds on the grand national, not a problem, hundreds every week is.

The statement you saw may have been a good month, but what about previous months? How much has he lost?

Don’t let him drag you down with the gambling and secrecy.

Been there. He promised to stop. When I opened a joint statement to see hundreds gambled in one weekend and confronted him, he said that he had only told me what I wanted to hear and had always gambled. It's exhausting never knowing what you don't know, and it will be a tissue of lies not just a few. You can't be in an effective partnership with someone who is a liability. Get rid of him.

I’m sorry but this is a betrayal.

You have been betrayed.

This won't get better @Sineadjb - you're going to have to make a tough decision. So sorry x

Gambling is a serious addiction that is very hard to beat. He has to acknowledge there is a problem and work at stopping it. This would include closing and blocking all gambling accounts, signing up to the service that blocks gambling and giving you full access to all his bank accounts.

if he won’t do this, divorce him and get financially independent before his gambling debts drag you both into bankruptcy.

Mine does it too, although it started off as matched betting, and now he ‘plays the sites at their own game’ and ‘never loses’.

Last month he ‘won’ and subsequently lost £800. All comes from his own accounts, not joint. He still, according to him, has never finished a month down, but he spent literally hours glued to his computer chair while we got on with family life around him. All to end the month £247 better off. That’s a big loss to him in my opinion, DS is only 5 and the time while he’s little is flying by.

Get savvy, I am, slowly, while I work out a long term plan. He had spreadsheets on the computer saying what was coming in and out. He belongs to a website called ‘outplayed’ that tracks winnings and they have a chat forum where loads of them compare notes. I took screenshots of everything and if he’s doing the same you should to. He is more transparent in some ways now because we had a HUGE falling out about it when I nearly left him, but I still do not fully trust what he tells me and never will again, so that’s very sad- he broke that.

slightly different in my case as he does pay for holidays etc but he’s always buying himself bits and bobs whilst I sell and buy on Vinted for things I need, go without haircuts etc. everything he chooses to do with the money is on his terms, always. I know he has £50k dotted around on various platforms, and I’ve kept all the evidence I can. I’m learning how to be more financially savvy and get on top of everything coming in and going out. I always left the admin of finances to him- not anymore.

I wouldnt want to be financially tied to him.. Speak to a family law solicitor ASAP.

In the meantime make sure you have your own bank account. Close/ freeze any joint accounts. Close any joint credit cards and check your credit score.

It sounds like he's not contributing fairly to the household. With you carrying a the financial burden while he's blowing money gambling. The thing with gambling is that really only the house wins. Gamblers are always chasing the next big win. Eventually, they come undone as does everyone around them.

Oh this is terrible.

It isn’t his money to do as he wishes whilst you’re covering his costs. You cover the extra costs as he doesn’t have the funds. But he actually does! I would see this as he’s happy to steal from me.

You mentioned he’s taken ages to provide his statement. My guess is, he was waiting for the ‘good’ return to happen. To lessen your questions and fury. Go back to months 2-3 and it’s probably very concerning.

Sounds like you have an addict on your hands. I’m not sure where you go from here.

I would be telling him you are no longer going to be financially carrying him and he needs to contribute 50% to everything.

What a stupid selfish prick to risk money like that whilst claiming poverty!

But the lying would be game over for me. You directly asked him about what tou heard him say and he lied to your face. Your trust in the marriage is gone.

I think I'd be asking him to move and give you some space.

Nice to know im not going crazy and that this is a problem. Thanks all will have "the chat" today and see where we go. Although shit its also nice to know im not the only one but a relationwhip without trust is nothing and theres no excuse for the lies. Thank you so so so so much for such supportive comments

Tell him all of that plainly

He is an addict, he has to come to his own solution

But you don't have to sugarcoat your feelings to assuage any guilt or anger he may feel on being called on it

Gives yourself time to think about how this changes your lives. You can't be wrong about how you feel, so give yourself permission and do what is best for you and the kids

"AIBU to feel betrayed by my husband's secret gambling and lies?"

I can't imagine anybody feeling any other way about it OP! I'm sorry you had to find out like that. Hope he has been sweating since sending it you, he must know something is coming from it!

So your money is his and his money is his??????

Plus he's an addict.

See a Solicitor urgently, stop his access to any of your earnings and get a divorce ASAP.

So it would appear!!! X

Exactly that like how has he not even mentioned anything!!!!

Love this thankyou defo need to not rush this xx

PS

Take all you can out of any joint accounts. He owes you.

Also lived this. We are no longer together. He constantly lied, I knew the truth and he still lied. I found a bank statement threw it at him and he still denied it. He just "got better at hiding it", so he thought. Made more money than me but was constantly taking the odd bit of money here and there from the joint account.
I worked in a pub and someone proudly told me they won £30 on the bandit, I asked how much he had put it. £40. I said so you've lost £10.

The likelihood is your partner is at a loss. They forget about the loss when they win. Chase the high, its never ending. All I can say is you need to think if you can live like this.