AIBU to think my parents should settle the house money themselves?

[Roui]

My parents separated in 2014, mum's choice, she left the family home and my dad who was the sole person on the mortgage continued to pay it until it ended a couple of years ago.

Both parents have moved on and have been living with their new partners for 10 years, but the house was either empty or family rented it for a while. Its been empty for the past 18 months, and me and my husband were in a position to buy it with an equity gift for the deposit from my dad. We completed a couple of weeks ago and my dad had the money put in his account.

Now... my parents aren't divorced. So the plan has always been than my dad would give her a good chunk of the sale. Now this has all gone through my dad is sat on the money, and my brother is "mediating" between them to come to an agreement on the split.

Personally, it's none of our business and I am of the belief that two grown ass adults who raised two well rounded kids should be able to come to an agreement between themselves. However, my brother is trying to keep the peace, and even though he doesn't want to deal with this, he has taken both of their figures and made a spreadsheet. There was small £1k in favour to my dad, but my brother said just spilt fairly and have done. I was like yeah fair enough - but my dad feels disgruntled and he's getting a lot of flack from his partner.

When I re-hashed the "spreadsheet" I removed debt in their own names, and all this thing about who paid what towards the mortgage. I just said, any maintenance and repairs in the last year and council tax debt, and there was one secured debt that needed paying (my dad paid it). It's resulted in more of a 3k favour to my dad.

My brother is not happy because i have said our mum left, she had a spending problem and racked up a load of debt, and although she has now paid it, it shouldn't be my dad who has to lose out because of it, when he was the one who had a decade of worry about paying the mortgage and bills on his own, plus a load of debt. My mum walked away, she didn't want to know, but she wanted to keep the house as a plan b to fall back on regardless.
She can't have her cake and eat it.
I think a 3k in the favour of my dad is reasonable to be honest.

I don't want this ending up in a messy and expensive legal battle. My mum is also selling another house she co-owns with my uncle, and has agreed to give my dad half of her profits. They will end up with roughly the same amount regardless, we are not talking thousands of pounds, but my dad is worried she won't stick to her side of the bargain.

I know my dad's health isn't good, and he's 70 soon, I think he's worried that he will cough up half the money and he will never see what she promised him. My brother is now being a bit shirty with me because of what I have suggested. Am I being unreasonable, to want to see my dad who has struggled a lot of his life and worked so hard to get my brother through a private education and pay off a house lose out on a few extra quid, and is it totally unreasonable for me to say to them sort this out between you? My brother thinks it will cause family bust ups, and I'm of the view that we shouldn't be parenting our parents!

Can they just not get divorced and let the courts divide the assets accordingly?

At the very least, they need a third party mediating this for them, not your brother or you.

Just do an offset. Whatever money he has, your dad keeps his share plus his estimated share of equity from the uncle/wife house sale and sends the rest of wife’s remaining share. If her share of their house is less than his estimated share of the other uncle&wife house, then he keeps all the money for now.

I suggested this and my brother thought I was stupid! It’s honestly like talking to a bloody brick wall, everything I say gets rubbished, like I don’t have a clue! This is why I’ve been trying to stay out of it.

Your plan sounds reasonable, but really if you say you want to keep out of it, then you and your brother should do just that and actually leave it to your mum and dad. I get the temptation to help though!

They just need to divorce and settle it in court. Your brother is being silly.

They need to divorce. What if one of them dies? Do they have new / good wills?

If they have not divorced yet then maybe it’s better not too from an inheritance tax point of view? Might that be the thinking.

I'm with your brother on this

You can't just ignore who has paid for the house costs since your mother walked out

Also who paid the costs of raising two children

If she has not paid anything towards the house since moving out

I would look at what she would have got at that point in time, allow some for inflation and then just give her that minus any costs

Not your problem

don’t get involved. You bought the house.

they should have got divorced ages ago and now it’s between them,

There is no point in this. Until they’re divorced with a financial order it’s all up for grabs again. Your mum could spend her payout and then take half of dads again.

do you know why they haven’t sorted the divorce?

Can’t understand that since if one dies the other (mum or dad) get the inheritance and not the kids anyway

They should sort it themselves.

Do they both have pensions?

It would be crazy to just do an equal split at this point and not do it properly and divorce.

They need to get divorced officially and split everything. Otherwise your mum could come back again for more. Finish it before handing any funds out.

Strongly agree with this. Just stay out of it. They will sort it out between them! If your brother gets you involved again, just say no!

You have tried to mediate and put a sensible solution forward. It hasn’t been accepted so now it’s up to the “adults” to sort it amongst themselves. You are best keeping out of it and letting them get on with it. You have fulfilled your obligations on the house purchase so disbursement of the proceeds is not your responsibility.

It's highly possible your mother will shaft your father.

Your brother sounds like a bully so step away.
Tell him YOU will not allow your father to be bullied and shafted.

Age UK could be of help here if your brother continues to cause trouble.

Your father should not part with one penny until your mother provides him with whatever figure he is due.
Your father should deduct that from your mothers half, plus half of any costs for maintenance on the home since 2014.

Your mother sounds like a right piece of work, as does your brother.

Your father needs good legal advice.

That’s not what my brother is saying. He’s saying she should get 50%. We were adult kids when she left I had left home my brother was about 21 I think.

My dad paid £46k in mortgage since she left. And maintained the place. Mum feels she is entitled to 50%

Have you gained over your brother?

Apologies I misread what you said

She is not entitled to half

Though they really do need to divorce

Though the other thought occurs

When she moved out assuming she moved into rented she would have had her own housing costs to contend with

A judge could take the view that because the house was not sold she was unable to get a deposit to buy so was stuck renting

Maybe then the view would be taken that she would be entitled to a higher amount

They need to come to an agreement, divorce and get legal advice (or an independent mediator)

You have my sympathies. It sounds like your family are just happy bickering.

Honestly, it’s a bit hypocritical criticising your brother for getting involved and then doing so yourself. If it’s the difference of a couple of k there is no point arguing over it and you are just creating drama. There should be a written agreement about the share of the other house though, and your parents should get divorced. Both you and your brother should keep out of it.

Legal advice needed here even just a quiet half hour for your dad to get advice and know his position. I think you need to look out for him here not to shaft your mum but to make sure he isn’t going to get shafted as your brother doesn’t seem to be looking out for him.

I think on balance, he keeps his portion of money (maybe transfers a balance of your mums half of equity on family home if that’s more than your dads half of profits from her other house) till she shares her profits. In a divorce it should all be done at the same time.

what’s the difference between sharing 50/50 and what your dad thinks he should get, when estimated profit from your mums other house is also added? In a marriage, 50/50 is the starting point and what would be decided in court or advised by solicitors may not correspond to what we’d see as “fair” (eg taking amount the mortgage/school fees your dad paid alone).

So I’d work on 50% unless it’s a vast difference. There’s no point in having a quibble over £1-3k (assuming the amounts involved are in the £100k+ region) as it’d cost far more if solicitors were involved. I’d also want to get a divorce and financial consent order to stop any further claims.

it may not seem fair to do 50% but unfortunately that’s what a marriage consists of even if they behave badly. I get it as my ex had an affair and I had paid all the house deposit and entire mortgage and bills for 7 years while he “started his business” but he still got 50%.

I think it’s the opposite. There’s no IHT benefit from remaining married to someone you don’t like enough to bequeath your assets to them. It’s preventing either of them from marrying their current partners and using the spouse rules to plan sensibly for the future with them.

Firstly sympathies to all of you x secondly just because you said that your mum left and racked up debt, is there any chance she had to leave because of less money and had to spend more to get on her feet? Obviously I don’t know your situation but it would make sense in a woman/ man scenario thst she makes less so has less and so needs more to get her on her feet hence the debt

When the property was rented out, who got the rent money?