AIBU to feel confused about focusing on myself in relationship difficulties?

[Judy35]

I have been with my bf for 3 years.

Over the last year or so, my physical and mental health has plummeted and resulted in relationship anxiety. He’s not perfect but he is lovely. He tries his best and I struggle with ADHD and OCD.
I compare us to other couples, worry about whether he still feels excited about me/us, get anxious when he makes plans with friends, and sometimes make assumptions about what he’s thinking or feeling. I then ask questions looking for reassurance, and I can see how this has become exhausting for him. I only realise this after I spiral!

Recently we had a really serious conversation. He cried and he told me that he loves me, wants our relationship to work more than anything and doesn’t have one foot out of the door, but he also said he can’t continue with some of the patterns.

He says that I sometimes make him feel like he’s under a microscope, I make up scenarios in my head about how he feels and then blame him for them, I don’t listen to him, and make him feel like he’s not good enough because I have expectations he doesn’t know about.
He said let’s pause house hunting and thinks we should give ourselves 2–3 months to see whether things improve.

I completely accept that I have things to work on. I don’t want to continue making him feel like that, and I am genuinely trying. I’m looking at therapy, my physical health, exercise, my mental health etc. i am in a terrible state atm. I also know I need to learn to sit with some of my anxiety instead of constantly bringing it to him.
But I’m struggling enormously with something else.

He keeps telling me that I need to focus on myself and not the relationship. I understand what he means, because my self esteem is in the floor and I never put effort into filling my own cup… but I’ve interpreted this as meaning that I shouldn’t be sad, shouldn’t ask for reassurance, shouldn’t suggest dates or things for us to do, shouldn’t worry about how close we feel, and shouldn’t have needs because I’m supposed to be concentrating on fixing myself.
He also wants me to have a more positive attitude and not dwell on things.

I feel like I have to prove every day that I’m improving or I’m going to destroy the relationship. what if in the process the actual relationship between us dies? What if he starts resenting me? What if he doesn’t feel close to me anymore? I don’t want to spend three months becoming better at managing myself while feeling like we’re becoming strangers.
He sees this as me deflecting from the things I need to change and me focusing on everyone else is being detrimental at the moment.

I dont want people to just say “break up” or “that’s too difficult” - I’m not looking for that answer so don’t bother.. I’m genuinely trying to understand what a healthy version of this looks like, because right now I feel completely lost and terrified of getting it wrong.

Your relationship sounds really unhealthy tbh.

It seems like 100% of the blame for any relationship difficulties is being handed to you, with a demand that you change. I don't think many people would respond well to that.

It might be a fair comment that you have patterns in your thoughts and behaviours that you might want to change. But, there's an extent that if your partner doesn't want to be with you, he needs to end things rather than delivering ultimatums.

It sounds like you are really frightened about the relationship ending, but it doesn't sound like the relationship is making you happy. Would you really be worse off alone? I wonder if your anxiety would be better or worse without him?

If you do both want to make things work, I'd suggest couples counselling.

“He keeps telling me that I need to focus on myself and not the relationship.”

This is the key. You don’t say how old you are but I recognise this in my younger self. Making my whole life about the relationship, and being entirely needy of that other person. Instead of being an independent well rounded person bringing something to the table and sharing a life together. There is a distinction.

Have you ever travelled? Lived a full single life? Developed hobbies or interests outside the relationship?

I think he’s telling you he loves you but it’s all too intense and he’s feeling stifled. Not that he doesn’t care.

If you were content and confident in yourself, you’d be less likely to need to continually seek the validation. I think what dp is suggesting is focusing on making yourself is an important parallel step, alongside you both investing in the relationship. I think he’s trying to kindly nudge you towards this, but the long and short of it is whoever you are with needs to make you feel safe and valued. Only you know if his behavior does do that (and if it’s therefore something about your reaction which needs addressing) or if he is behaving in a way which doesn’t work for you. It’s totally fine to say eg ‘when you say x I hear/feel y, so could you try z’.
It certainly sounds like the counselling is a good way to go.

Read your post back because it is glaringly obvious that you are still stuck in the cycle of trying to read his mind rather than taking what he says at face value.
You can't work on your relationship and get closer to him by ignoring the fact that you are still making up stories about what he thinks in your head.
This is self-fulfilling prophecy in action. You are afraid to drift apart so you are acting in a way that pushes him further away. Which is why he is saying that you need to work on yourself and deal with these messy feelings and emotions you keep (unnecessary) bringing to him. You made him into your emotional caregiver. Nobody wants that in a relationship.

You need someone to talk to that isn't him. At the moment, a thought comes up, you spiral and have to let it out to him. And in doing so you know you're creating a self fulfilling prophecy.
When the thoughts come, talk to a friend, post on here if there's no one. You can get it out, be talked down and he is none the wiser.
After a time, this should pay off in more positive interactions with him rather than the ones you're currently having, and this will bring reassurance.

“I’ve interpreted this as meaning that I shouldn’t be sad, shouldn’t ask for reassurance, shouldn’t suggest dates or things for us to do, shouldn’t worry about how close we feel, and shouldn’t have needs because I’m supposed to be concentrating on fixing myself” <- You shouldn’t ask for reassurance and need to find a way to handle the worries other than putting them on him if you’re making any serious effort at all to deal with your relationship OCD.

You’ve turned him asking to change your focus into another way to obsess over the relationship, that’s a symptom again.

The irony is that you might of course end up driving him away if you can’t get out of these patterns.You can’t ever know 100% that a relationship will last, or what is in another person’s head. If you care about him and the relationship then take him at face value and get therapy specifically for OCD. If you just displace your reassurance seeking onto friends or forums you won’t have actually altered the pattern and will end up back in the same place and with fed up friends too.

Excellent post - if you trust him, listen to the words he is saying and act on those not the layers of meaning you are adding to them.

When did you see your GP last? Sounds like there is a LOT of anxiety swirling around your head. Sometimes medication can be helpful for anxiety.

I'll be honest. I think buying a house together is the wrong thing to do for both of you.

There is nothing in this relationship that sounds healthy.

Do either of you work?

Yes we both work. Of course I’m giving you a snapshot and I haven’t gone into detail about the amazing parts of our relationship which are very much there and we are very loving and affectionate. I’ve just been having more and more off days as things have been going on in my personal life as well.

Thanks all for the above advice, I’ll certainly take it on board! I’m thinking of trying medication again as I was on it before this relationship for anxiety and it did work well for me.

I felt a bit thrown as he said I wasn’t putting enough into myself this week, he used the example of worrying what my siblings thought of me.. I just don’t want to be a robot haha

Are you worrying about what your siblings think, if so, why? Are you accountable to them?

He’s right. You’re focussing on him too much and every little thing in the relationship, I would feel suffocated. He just wants you to be happy and relaxed and go with the flow. You need to work on yourself and your confidence

Thanks everyone