Recently my daughter and i went away for a couple of nights. My Mother offered to check up on the cats, this wasn't a necessary visit, the cats had plenty of food and water, so more a 'Mother wanting to feel useful' thing.
On return home i discovered the downstairs loo seat up. We are a man free household, so i instantly panicked. I messaged my Mother to ask if my Dad had been here with her, unlikely as he has very limited mobility. She said no. My daughter's house cat was also missing. I spent the next hour panicking that my abusive ex, who assaulted my DD12 had been into my house, going round the neighbours' houses to see if they had CCTV coverage of my ex being there, he still has a key as i haven't been able to afford to change the locks due to money, but i know he wouldn't have the balls to enter our property uninvited. After an hour of feeling so physically sick i thought i would vomit, searching for CCTV coverage and debating wether or not to call the police, my Mother pocket dialled me. It then comes out that her key wouldn"/ work (it's always been dicky, she's refused to get it sorted over four years), so instead of ringing me or my daughter to ask what to do, she rang my abusive ex, who she knows we no longer see and that their is bad blood (he physically assaulted my DD), she rang him and got him to not only let her in my house, but left him to roam round my home for a good hour while she played with the cats. She wouldn't have told me he'd been here if the loo seat hadn't given it away and only told me by accident after pocket dialling, as i said i was going to call the police. No apology, no accountability, no explanation. I had to pay £102 for an emergency locksmith, meaning my daughter snd i went with barely any food the following two weeks, just cereal. I will never give anyone a key to my home again.
Since then she has denied responsibility for letting out DD's cat, which hasn't returned. DD is autistic with depression and poor mental health and that cat was her therapy. DD has behaved with such grace, as she "doesn't want to destroy her relationship" with my Mother/her Nan.
DD is now struggling with hearing her door handle rattle at night and feels like there are noises in her walls. She is aware that this is likely in her head, i have told her it is hypogogic (spelling probably incorrect!) hallucinations and not to worry. She has a CAHMS appointment next week, i am under the care of the community mental health team with weekly visits.
This is not the first time my Mother has trampled over my boundaries, particularly with regard to my house. A fortnight previous we were away for the day and she offered to walk my dog. The dog is elderly and doesn't need walking daily, so again, it was for my Mother to feel useful and needed, rather than for the dog. While we were at our event, i get messages saying her key doesn't work, she and the dog are locked out. Mother only lives a ten minute walk away for my home, so the normal thing to do would be to take my dog to her house, until we returned three hours later, when we could have colllected the dog on our way home. But no, i receive a string of texts saying she has hot three neighbours to try to get the key to work and was going to get my neighbour, whom i've had a crush on for the best part of five years TO CLIMB THROUGH MY BEDROOM WINDOW to open the door. I full on panicked and was desperately ringing her to say do not under any circumstances let ANY MEN into my home. (I have deep man trauma and hideous social anxiety, so she was really hitting all my key triggers). Finally she answered the phone and i almost shouted at her to never let anyone into my home, how upset and stressed i was etc (i'm not a shouter). This is all in the context of constant bombardment and boundary trampling. My mental health nurse and wonderful best friend have helped support me as it has all spiralled my anxiety, which was alrady dire, i'm currently on 10mg daily of Diazepam and have taken a massive step back from My Mother and put cast iron boundaries in place, but am just struggling with the whole thing. My Mother has refused point blank to take any responsibility for any of her actions, or to apologise and has denied any part to my daughter in her beloved cat getting let out, regardless if it was my ex who let him out or my Mother, she is still the responsible one as she invited that demon into my home.
I am just struggling so much with this. She has never been a mother to me, is a total narcissist and i can now see her with full clarity for what she is. I don't know what i am asking for here. Maybe AIBU for distancing the hell out of our relationship and AIBU to say that without accountability and an apology, which will never come, that our relationship is dead in the water, and henceforth i will go through the motions but minimally, for the sake of unoty of the family as a whole (my Dad and sisters) when i just want to scream and shout at this women. AIBU to think she never loved me and i am better off alone?
How do i make DD feel safe in her own home again? How do i stop spiralling? Please please help.
Thankyou if you got this far. It's a long one, with far more to it.