AIBU to consider distancing myself from difficult parents?

[Livefreely]

What would you do in my situation? My husband thinks I should seriously distance myself from parents..
they are in late 60’s/early 70’s and have lived the last decade in France after retirement. Mum had struggled with alcoholism for decades now, refuses help, denies, stops for a bit then carries on. My dad ( very old school) feels I should do more to try to get her over her addiction. I’ve told him she needs professional help, I’ve supported her, tried everything but she continues.
as well as my mums addiction, over the past few years my dad has become increasingly angry over not a lot, trying to start arguments with me, looks for problems. Most recently at our house we were ordering food for friends coming round on the weekend. He kept saying, how many people have you got coming round? Why are you doing so much? We laughed of off the first few times but he wouldn’t stop and I got angry and he started shouting at me saying I should focus on my family not my friends. He argues all the time with me like this and telling me I shouldn’t live my life the way I do and I’m influenced by my husband! I’m just bored of not standing up for myself!
my parents by the way have one friend who lives in England, they have never really socialized and don’t have a good marriage.
I just want everyone to be healthy and happy. Why does he not want the same?
would you distance yourself in this situation?

I distanced myself from my parents when I went away to uni as a mature student. It was a convenient time to drop the rope and go low contact. Fortunately there were no mobiles back then - only landlines.

I agree with your husband that you should distance yourself from your parents.

It's none of your dad's business if you are close to your friends and enjoy their company. It's obviously no fun at all being with your parents so don't let them guilt trip you. Do they come and stay with you often? If so, I'd cut down the amount of time you host them in your home. It's certainly not your job to cure your mum's alcoholism.

Sounds like a touch of the little green monster.

Yes that’s how I feel, always guilt tripped that I should be relaxing at home doing nothing and not out or hosting!

Yes it must be right?! I just can’t understand as a parent why you wouldn’t just be over the moon that your daughter is settled, has a good job and has a family of her own and happy. Blows my mind

You only have one life and you should live it as you see fit.

It’s odd that your father thinks you should help your mother - his wife - with her addiction problem.

Absolutely back away.
Do not have your parents to stay again.

Argumentative people have a personality disorder and I stepped away from the member of my family who was like that decades ago.

Life is too short.
Do it and stop wasting your time on people who will not change but take your peace.

Yes he says I should do more although I don’t know what more I can do if she doesn’t want to help herself. I have always been there but she bottles everything and won’t talk.
my dad thinks it’s a duty to do absolutely everything for family like he has

My dm was a single dm since I was very young. So never paid anything or really saw me. When I had my dd she seemed very resentful. And in fact quite smug when we split. She told a lie that put any chance of a reconciliation off the table. Haven't seen her for best part of 25 years.
I'm 55. She is 76..

Thank you for your advice. The argumentative side has certainly worsened over the last few years.

YANBU Your father has no right to tell you how to live your life. You are an adult.

Essentially, he wants you to help your mum because he cannot be arsed to do it himself. He is completely unreasonable. If their marriage is unhappy, he needs to deal with that. You cannot.

If your mum is an alcoholic, the only person who can sort it out is her, with encouragement from her life partner, ie your dad.

I would agree with everything & say do it now before further complications of aging increase any guilt.
Also recommend the stately homes thread on here… as it of course we we good parents we took you to visit stately homes.

You can’t help an addict from within the family system easily… also worth looking at narcissistic family systems.

you deserve happiness & your health matters 💐

If they wanted more attention from their kids they shouldn't have moved to France.

You can't fix addicts. If he's never managed it, what makes him think you can?