AIBU to wonder if I simply do not like this mum?

[Crazycray]

I know this sounds really bizarre that’s why I’m posting on an anonymous forum rather than talking to anyone in RL but can someone tell me - HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU DONT LIKE SOMEONE? I don’t mean romantically as that is easy for me but friendship wise. I have all my life tried to get along and be nice to everyone I meet and have put up with crappy people due to my childhood trauma. I think it’s called “fawning”. So it’s fight, flight or fawn- apologies if I’m not explaining properly so in other words my trauma has made me a people pleaser and I put up with anything and be nice to everyone.

But issue is as in getting older my attitude is changing. There’s a mum in my child’s class who my kid is best friends with but I sometimes wish they weren’t as I feel I have to make effort with the mum, she hasn’t done anything to me but I just feel negatively towards her for some reason. I’m trying to make sense of my feelings!

If she hasn't done anything wrong and you have a pattern of putting up with crappy people, is it possible you cant recognise a genuine person and are defaulting to the negative? I usually know I dont like someone when they are rude, cruel, mean or sly. Those are my main boundaries and not liking someone is a heavy response for me, it needs to have meaning. It's ok to not gel with someone but dislike is a strong word in my opinion

I wonder if the first post is on the something. That would be my first guess too. Is it something she said (as in her beliefs) that makes you think of her negatively?

edited to say: I had (and still have) a bit of a complicated relationship with my mum and she was very much the type that if you didnt agree with her or didn’t think like her it must be wrong and she would think negatively of them and only as an adult I realised how wrong that is. People can be different but wonderful. I suppose my point is we learn behaviours from our parents that sometimes we need to unlearn.

Do you know when you do genuinely like someone? It could be easier to start there.

For me there’s a vast continuum ranging from people I adore whose company I actively seek out and enjoy (close friends) through to people I absolutely cannot stand who make my flesh creep. And in between are people I’m relatively fond of, people I get along with OK, people who are nice enough but a bit draining, people I find annoying or overbearing, people who give me bad vibes I can’t quite put my finger on, and people I find actively unpleasant and will avoid.

It’s fine not to like someone all that much for no reason. It’s also fine not to make a big effort for someone you’re not particularly close with. It’s perfectly OK just to be polite.

Sometimes there are people who are perfectly nice, but you just don’t click with. There is a mum at my kids’ school like this. Perfectly nice, but prattles on in an endless monologue about the most mundane things and never asks you anything about yourself. I can see she’s just a bit oblivious to how she comes across, is maybe ND, but I find her tough company. And that’s OK. I wouldn’t be rude to her but I also wouldn’t choose to spend time in her company if I didn’t have to.

My advice to you - listen to those feelings. You've had years of fawning and people pleading as a way of keeping yourself safe, but the authentic, real you is slowly emerging. It's perfectly normal not to like certain people and that's ok. you don't even need a reason. It's confusing to you because you've never allowed yourself to just ' be'.

@VoltaireMittyDream post is perfect

I think your unable to recognise good and bad people so just take a disliking to most people now. I am the same my child's best friend mum is absolutely lovely we have a lot in common, but took me a while to warm up to her due to the way I have been mistreated by people previously. I am like this with everyone once ive reliesed they are good and won't take advantage I warm up to them over time. Im just extremely wary as far to many people have took advantage in the past including my child's ex best friend mum. (Think wanting free lifts, free babysitting, loans she refused to pay back etc)

I was relieved to read this after Ella31’s post about disliking ppl who are mean or cruel! I recently met a mum who launched into conversation at the school gate about how they’d left incredible careers in London to come to our apparently remote and destitute northern town for the wildlife etc. I suppose dislike might be strong but the repeated references to ‘hope I don’t miss COO life!’ Etc were so grating

I feel that sometimes you just dont click with someone. Not neccessarily because theyre not nice but just because you cant find common ground. I would say you dont have to force a friendship. As long as you're civil and polite with her, you dont need to be her bff just becsuse your dcs like each other. My dcs were often friends with children whose parents i didnt engage with much. Xxx

You need to label the negative feelings you are associating with her.

I had to pick apart my changing feelings for a long standing friend recently. I went through a few feelings and tried them on for size before discarding them as not fitting.

Jealousy,
Untrustworthy
Stupid
Unkind

These were all discarded and I realised I was having negative feelings about her because she has become incredibly smug. By labelling it, I can just notice it when it happens and then move on.

As an aside, you absolutely do not have to be friends with your children’s friends parents. You simply have to be able to message them to make the odd arrangement.

Nobody likes everyone. You are just being human , feeling like this. Most of us know some people we need to make an effort with.

You are not going to get along with everyone. Not everyone will be a friend, although it's easy enough to be perfectly civil to them. I have met so many other mums through my kids, sometimes conversation flows naturally, the woman is funny and engaging, interesting, someone you could imagine having a coffee with or going to the pub with. Other times although the mum is polite and nice enough, that connection just isn't there and you have no interest in getting to know them better. And that's fine.